TL;DR: I, newlywed & newly moved out due to housing crisis F27 feels suffocated by my mother F60, how much contact is normal as an adult?
I feel like the relationship feels very much like an obligation for me at the moment.
I got married and moved out a year ago-ish. I lived at home (and payed rent) before that because of housing crisis where I live.
She calls (or I call out of obligation) at least every week, maybe every fourth-fifth day. Text in between. See each other at least every 3rd week.
She says she misses me but I rarely feel the same in return which makes me feel guilty. I feel like I don’t get the time to start missing her.
It’s so weird because I love her and my younger brother but lately I’ve just felt a bit sick of them, my mother especially. It makes me feel so guilty but I feel the need to have more space. Growing up I was that kid that was always home and spent a lot of time with family. Never really had a teen-phase of detachment. Never spent much time with friends or going out because I don’t drink and I’m very much a homebody.
She moved out at 16 and had soo many years to herself before getting married and having kids. She did so much traveling, lived with different boyfriends, got married at 32. She was not as close with her mom, moved to another city etc. Times where different back then when it came to housing and the economy. I spent my 20s saving everything I could. My husband and I managed to find an apartment to rent in another town finally but we want to buy a house one day. I dreamt of doing it when we got married but we have decided to wait more in order to not become house poor.
I always thought I would have kids around 28 and I feel like I have barely lived on my own/had my own adult life. I want kids but the thought of having them now makes my head spin and it makes me almost panic because I know my mother would want to see them/us even more often that we do now, she loves kids and would probably go nuts.
I feel pressured and suffocated by her and the amount of contact she wants and I just want to know what’s normal? How often do you talk/text/see your parents? Anyone ever felt the same? Any advice?
I love my mom but we are also very different as people. Growing up she rarely spent time with friends just me and my brother. She calls me “her best friend” and says she doesn’t like other people as much as she likes us. She is in a new relationship finally and I hope that can take some of the pressure of me.
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she needs to learn to be an independent adult. I see my parents maybe once or twice a month. occasional text or two a week. That’s been going on since I moved out at 19. I’ll meet up when they plan for family dinners at restaurants with their grandkids (my sister’s kids) and all…even that may be once a month. Never had that close bond with family period, but they do know I appreciate all that they’ve done for me raising me.
To me, that kinda sounds like a normal amount for a close relationship. Myself and the few people I know pretty well who are close to their mom talk to them about as often, or more.
But really that doesn’t matter, does it? YOU feel like it’s too much, and even if EVERYONE talked to their mom as much as you do, you’d still feel this resentment about this expectation. Maybe have a conversation with her about it? I’m sure you don’t want to stop talking to her completely, but maybe between the two of you, you can come up with a better routine. Just remember, this is coming from a place of love for you. I’m sure she would never have wanted to make you feel suffocated. I know I’d want my own kids to let me know if I was unknowingly putting too much pressure on them in certain areas.
I’m not seeing how she’s “pressuring” you?
I haven’t lived at home since 1997. Haven’t lived closer than a 7 hour drive and often more like on another continent since 2001.
When long distance calls cost a lot, I spoke to my parents once a week for about 20-30 min. Since LD has been free, I often speak to my mom daily for a few min but certainly at least once a week and my dad once a week min (my parents are divorced).
We text a little but mostly just memes or links to articles.
My partner’s parents live within a few min of us and we see them 1-2 times a month and talk to them rarely in between. We do have a group text but it’s mostly around planning gatherings or communicating about grandpa.
There’s no normal but a once a week call doesn’t seem that stifling to me.