So my best friend and I live two hours apart. We are both in our 40s. I’m currently separated from my husband, and we had planned on getting together for the day to catch up.
The last time we got together, we met halfway, and we drove to another city to have lunch, and do some shopping. When I met her, she had her 14-year-old daughter with her. No big deal, I love her kids, and we had a good day.
But the second time I called her on my way there I got about 30 minutes along the drive, and she lets me know that she’s been called into a work meeting over lunch, and we’ll just drop me and her daughter off at the mall so we can shop and eat.
I told her that, as much as I love her daughter, I was really hoping that we could have adult time, and since the plans were to have lunch and then catch up, I felt like maybe we needed to reschedule whenever we could have time for just the two of us. I don’t feel comfortable talking about my marriage, or any adult like issues in front of her.
This was over a week ago, and even though my friend said that she understood, she hasn’t spoken to me since.
Am I the asshole?
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So my best friend and I live two hours apart. We are both in our 40s. I’m currently separated from my husband, and we had planned on getting together for the day to catch up.
The last time we got together, we met halfway, and we drove to another city to have lunch, and do some shopping. When I met her, she had her 14-year-old daughter with her. No big deal, I love her kids, and we had a good day.
But the second time I called her on my way there I got about 30 minutes along the drive, and she lets me know that she’s been called into a work meeting over lunch, and we’ll just drop me and her daughter off at the mall so we can shop and eat.
I told her that, as much as I love her daughter, I was really hoping that we could have adult time, and since the plans were to have lunch and then catch up, I felt like maybe we needed to reschedule whenever we could have time for just the two of us. I don’t feel comfortable talking about my marriage, or any adult like issues in front of her.
This was over a week ago, and even though my friend said that she understood, she hasn’t spoken to me since.
Am I the asshole?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Am I the asshole for canceling what we’re supposed to be adult plans when my friend decided to include her 15-year-old daughter?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I’m confused, your friend dropped her daughter off with you and went to a work meeting instead?
a 14 year old should be able to either go on a solo spree while you catch up or stay at home chilling a few hours…
NTA
NAH. Maybe she’s busy with other things and your stance is understandable
NTA. It seems like what you thought of as a casual meet-up over lunch had morphed into free baby sitting services.
NTA. It’s totally fair to want one on one time, especially when you had personal stuff to talk about. You didn’t do anything wrong by asking to reschedule
NAH
Your attitude is understandable.
So, honestly, is your friend’s (I don’t mean bearing a grudge, if she is – but “not spoken for a week” is a pretty short period of time to assume she is bearing a grudge).
Having lunch and shopping with a 14-year-old daughter whom you like and get on with isn’t being asked to be an on-the-spot babysitter – it’s an offer of alternative plans when the original plan didn’t work out due to her work schedule. You declined – that’s fair enough.
Her daughter may regard spending time with you as a treat because you are a wonderful person! That doesn’t give you any responsibility or requirement to spend time with daughter, but I don’t see anyone behaving badly here.
Message your friend and say you’re looking forward to the next time you can both meet up, and – if and only if you enjoy spending time with daughter – say you’d like to meet up the three of you sometime, and next time be just you and your friend.
100% NTA. Your friend wanted free babysitting.
nah at some point you have to clear the air of your issue with her bringing her kiddos
NTA She should not have brought her daughter the first time without giving you a heads up. That definitely changes the dynamic and the topics that can be discussed. Her move the second time was wild. You were right to set a boundary. Here’s a wild thought — could it be that she doesn’t want to hear about your marriage and is using her daughter’s presence as a buffer?
NTA, just honest. it was supposed to be time together and she bailed AGAIN. it’s not outta pocket to want space to talk about real stuff without a kid needing all the attention. her going radio silent is her own BS not urs
nta