I’m not even sure how to start this, but recently I had a conversation with my boyfriend about us moving in together after I finish my master’s next year. We’ve been together for almost two years, October will make two, and I’m very serious about our relationship and wanting to move forward. He has a 9-year-old daughter with his ex-wife, who now lives out of state with her current husband (who was also her affair partner) and their children. He recently visited his daughter, and during that trip, he and his ex had a deeper conversation about him getting his own place for him and his daughter. Apparently, she’s been bringing this up for a few months in our relationship.
Which brings us to now: he told me that he needs a place of his own for when his daughter visits (right now he’s living with roommates), and that I’ll be invited over. I was under the impression that we would be looking for a place together, doing the whole moving-in process side by side, furniture shopping, planning, all of that. But it seems like he wants to do this solo, to make sure he owns everything and has a place secured for himself and his daughter in case we ever break up. I get that part. His daughter is his first priority, and I respect that. I understand him wanting stability and security for her. But I feel wrong for feeling sad about this. It’s hard not to feel like I’m being kept at arm’s length. Like I’m not part of their lives, just a guest being invited into them. He keeps telling me I’m not “just a guest,” but how can I not feel that way when we’re not building something together? It’s his place, his plans, and I’m just being included from the outside.
And honestly, I can’t help but to think his ex-wife has something to do with this shift. Since we got together, she’s been more vocal, asking about our relationship, whether we’re still together, how serious it is, and if we’re getting married soon. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt because she has a right to know who’s around her daughter, but it started to feel like prying. Even when his daughter comes to visit, she tells her to make sure to spend up all of her dad’s money, make sure I’m not around them so often (I already make sure they have their own time).
When I paid for us to go on vacation to celebrate my first year of grad school and his job promotion, she had a bitter response, telling him he better do the same for his daughter. And while I totally agree he should make plans and create memories with his daughter (and I’ve encouraged him to do that ), I also think he should be allowed to have adult experiences with his partner. Plus, no 9-year-old is asking to go to Punta Cana for vacation. It just felt like a red flag. If she really felt strongly about out-of-country trips, why wasn’t that ever brought up before? And it could’ve been said in a better way. I even told him it’s a great idea to plan a special trip with his daughter, and ask her where she wants to go. They already do things together, like amusement parks and day trips. It’s not like he’s neglecting her. And to be honest, he just got his passport because of the trip I planned. This was his first international trip since he was a kid.
Maybe I’m just overthinking. Maybe I shouldn’t feel a way. But I also haven’t fully expressed how I feel about his ex’s comments and how it feels like she’s planting seeds, that he’s doing more for me than his daughter, and it’s starting to affect how he sees our relationship. But I don’t ask for much. I planned and paid for the trip, I let him use my car, I plan thoughtful dates, I buy groceries for both of us, and I even bought extra for when his daughter visited. I got her a birthday and Christmas gifts too. She’s such a sweet girl, and we have a good bond, I feel like. I’m just trying to be more involved because they both mean a lot to me. I want to be a part of their lives, not just someone who gets invited in. I feel like I just need advice or another perspective on this situation and how to approach it without it being weird or messy.
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How long have you know the daughter personally?
Dating a man with kids often slows the timeline for milestones like moving in together.
It sounds like to date, his daughter hasn’t visited him due to the housing situation and you’ve never met her. So a condition of him getting to have her is that he has his own place. She needs to feel secure being with dad solo before introducing you into the mix. And then you meet her and see how that goes and that can take time too.
It’s not uncommon for the ex to be a little extra about having their kid around another woman. Often quite a double standard too. But that’s life. So it seems to me he’s playing the long game here and trying to get more access to his child.
Personally, I think he should be working with an attorney to get a custody order in place instead of getting parenting time at the whim of his ex. Right now, she has far too much control.
I would not date a man with a child who didn’t have a CO because it means mom pretty much runs your life.
What a hypocrite! Her attitude is rich, considering that her daughter is living with her and her husband, known cheaters. Ppl who contributed to the breakup of her marriage, and putting her daughter in the situation she is currently in. The ex is way overstepping, and your bf should have your back. It does sound like she is planting seeds, as you said. Unfortunately for you, your bf seems to have very fertile brain dirt. Have you really told him how you feel? Your feelings are NOT wrong.
Since he has a kid, I don’t think you should Mo in unless you’re married. She’s already seen one family break up, you live in and play family with her and you break up, it’s more loss for her.
It’s been two years, I think the question you need to ask him is what does the future look like? What is the timeline for your relationship to progress? I find it ironic that his ex, who married her affair partner, is policing his relationship. Where was that concern for her child’s stability when she upended her marriage to be with her new man?
I want to remind you though, that while your boyfriend may be influenced by what his ex says, he’s still the ultimate decision maker in terms of how he runs his life. If you get vague answers to the aforementioned questions you should accept that he’s just not that committed to you and he’ll just waste your time.
This sounds like way too much drama. And he doesn’t sound all that serious about you. Stop wasting time, end it and move on
He’s in a position where he needs to build certain things to improve his life with his daughter. While you’re looking at the about if time you’ve put into the relationship it has to be different for him. Unfortunately for you she’s a higher priority. She will always be his child you might not always be his partner. While everything else you mentioned might be important for something else its irrelevant to the housing he needs to create. It seems to be like you didn’t have a proper discussion about what your relationship would look like before and now you’re paying the price.
He’s told you his priority – getting his own place with his daughter so he can increase his custody. That is what he should be doing, and while I understand it hurts finding out this way, the future with you is not his priority right now.
I get where he is coming from but if you are not ok with waiting in the wings for years, I’d just move on. You are young, you don’t need to hold out for a guy who isn’t moving in the same direction that you are.
He’s putting his child first, as he should. You’re not on the same timeline as he is. Accept it or move on.
So for the next 9 years, you’ll be allowed to go and visit.
I’m not sure there’s room for you in all this mess. I guess that depends on your depth of feeling for him. Are you willing to be the third wheel (fourth, fifth,…) for a couple of years?
You shouldn’t move in. Actually you should rethink this relationship. He is very influenced by his ex not you.
He need to grow a pair of ball and be his own man. Don’t move in. You’ll be miserable. He did you a favor. Stop paying for vacations etc.,, you’ll grow resentful and unhappy.
I would move on. The ex wife seems to have too much say. He should prioritize his daughter but that shouldn’t mean your relationship can’t progress.
You are taking him on trips and buying groceries and letting him use your car and planning thoughtful dates. It seems one sided.
I hope he doesn’t expect you to help pay for his place.
He’s actually making the decision to do the right thing. His daughter has to be his priority until she is grown. Until then he shouldn’t cohabitate or marry. If you marry there will always be conflict between him putting you or her first. If you then have a child you’ll naturally put your child first. Let him go and move on to someone who doesn’t have children to build your life with.
Ask him some questions.
First one. Why is it ok for his ex-wife to cheat, marry her affair partner, take his daughter out of state, then STILL question his relationship with you and insist that he gets a place ONLY for him and his daughter, who only stays with him on holidays? They live in different states so he clearly doesn’t have shared custody.
Ask him how long he intends to allow his ex to dictate his living situation?
Then ask him how long he thinks that you are going to actually accept HER rules.
You need to end this relationship. He is more concerned about the feelings of his cheating ex than he is about your feelings. Is that how you want to live your life? Tell him that if you are living as single people so that he can have his daughter use a room for 6 weeks a year then you want to be single and find someone who will treat you better. His ex can control him but she doesn’t dictate your future.
If you’re not interested in being less priority than his daughter, then just end things and find someone else that will give you more priority to advance the relationship.
he had this child when he was 19. I think it makes sense his ex is asking questions about his relationship and making sure she knows your relationship is stable if you’re spending time with their child. it also makes sense that he’d want stability for him and his daughter in terms of housing.