Hell of an intro, but I just found out my abusive stepfather died. I don’t even know how to feel.
My stepdad put me and my family through absolute hell growing up. He was abusive, manipulative, and left scars (mental and physical) that we’re all still dealing with. It’s hard for me to even think about the few nice things he ever did, because they feel so overshadowed by the bad. And honestly? I don’t miss him.
But… I didn’t want him to die. Especially not like this.
He died of a drug overdose a few days ago. They found him in a crackhouse. The last time I saw him was in 2022 when he was attacking my family and I had to call the cops on him. The last thing he said to me was that I was a liar and a “shithead” for getting him arrested. Since then, he’s been in and out of jail and still calling my mom constantly—right up until three days ago.
I thought I’d feel… relief? Maybe even nothing? But instead, I feel this weird mix of sadness, guilt, and anger. Back then, I probably said I wanted him to fuck off and die. But now that I’m older, I realize death isn’t just “not having to deal with someone anymore.” It’s final. It’s heavy. It’s complicated.
I don’t know how to process this. I don’t miss him. I don’t want him back in my life. But I also didn’t want this for him either.
Has anyone else been through something like this? Am I “crazy” for feeling bad for someone who caused so much pain?
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Sounds like he’s not really worth the effort that goes into feeling bad. I’d probably go out for Mexican TBH.
No. You are not crazy for feeling bad for him. It just means you are a good person.
You aren’t crazy for feeling bad for the way he died. It shows you have compassion.
Even though you weren’t expecting the mix of feelings, the sadness, the guilt, the anger just let yourself feel them.
Name them and give each one some of your focus and time, that helps process more than if you shame yourself for having that feeling.
I am sorry that he overdosed, and that your last interaction with him was so violent, and that your stepdad wasn’t the relationship it could have been if he had made loving choices towards you and your family.
Now there is no opportunity for him to make ammends or have a different stage of his life.
I hope you and your family are able to support one another through this grief, and heal from the pain he dealt you all.
Therapy!
You are agonizing for no reason.
I went through something very similar to this several years ago. Your feelings are normal, even though you didn’t do anything wrong. Give yourself some time to process everything. If you would like to discuss this more feel free to message me.