I met a woman while we were both pregnant. We became extremely close—we bonded over being expats, pregnancy, birth, early motherhood, even watched each other’s dogs while giving birth.
For over a year and a half, we talked about going to a famous local club together. With toddlers, it was hard to coordinate. Eventually, she and her husband got to go while her in-laws watched their kid. She later told us about how amazing it was, how they met another couple, and how they wished we’d been there.
Later, her university friends came to visit. I didn’t see her during that time—understandably, she was spending time with them. Toward the end of their visit, my husband and I met her husband at the park with our kids, and he said they were going back to the club that weekend, and how great it’d be if we could join. My husband offered to watch our kid so I could go, and I was thrilled.
I texted my friend to say I could come. She immediately called and said, “I don’t really want to split my time between you and my close friends. I want to focus on them.”
I was stunned. This was a club—a loud, social environment where the more the merrier. Not a dinner party. I wasn’t asking to third-wheel a private girls’ night. I said “Okay, that’s fine” and we hung up, but I felt rejected and hurt. Later, I texted to say so. I said it came across as a little “mean girls”—like I wasn’t allowed to sit at the table, metaphorically. I told her I was genuinely excited and surprised she didn’t want me there. I also said I would never make a friend feel like an outsider in that kind of situation, especially over something we’d talked about doing together for so long.
She said it was her friends’ last night, they wanted time alone and she didn’t want to have to divide her attention for me. I tried to explain that I wasn’t asking for anything like that—I just genuinely thought it’d be fun. I told her maybe we had different views on friendship: if close friends were visiting me, I’d love for them to meet someone important from my life.
She got upset and said she felt like she couldn’t tell me things without fearing I’d expect to be invited. I told her I understood, but also that this was just one particular case that hurt because of all the build-up, and how she responded made me feel excluded.
But after that, she distanced herself. Cold messages, no effort to meet. Months later, when we finally got together, she brought it all up again—saying she still felt that pressure. I told her I’d message her after, but didn’t—mostly because if she was still holding onto it months later, I didn’t think there was anything else I could say to fix it.
So, AITA for being hurt and telling her how I felt?
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I met a woman while we were both pregnant. We became extremely close—we bonded over being expats, pregnancy, birth, early motherhood, even watched each other’s dogs while giving birth.
For over a year and a half, we talked about going to a famous local club together. With toddlers, it was hard to coordinate. Eventually, she and her husband got to go while her in-laws watched their kid. She later told us about how amazing it was, how they met another couple, and how they wished we’d been there.
Later, her university friends came to visit. I didn’t see her during that time—understandably, she was spending time with them. Toward the end of their visit, my husband and I met her husband at the park with our kids, and he said they were going back to the club that weekend, and how great it’d be if we could join. My husband offered to watch our kid so I could go, and I was thrilled.
I texted my friend to say I could come. She immediately called and said, “I don’t really want to split my time between you and my close friends. I want to focus on them.”
I was stunned. This was a club—a loud, social environment where the more the merrier. Not a dinner party. I wasn’t asking to third-wheel a private girls’ night. I said “Okay, that’s fine” and we hung up, but I felt rejected and hurt. Later, I texted to say so. I said it came across as a little “mean girls”—like I wasn’t allowed to sit at the table, metaphorically. I told her I was genuinely excited and surprised she didn’t want me there. I also said I would never make a friend feel like an outsider in that kind of situation, especially over something we’d talked about doing together for so long.
She said it was her friends’ last night, they wanted time alone and she didn’t want to have to divide her attention for me. I tried to explain that I wasn’t asking for anything like that—I just genuinely thought it’d be fun. I told her maybe we had different views on friendship: if close friends were visiting me, I’d love for them to meet someone important from my life.
She got upset and said she felt like she couldn’t tell me things without fearing I’d expect to be invited. I told her I understood, but also that this was just one particular case that hurt because of all the build-up, and how she responded made me feel excluded.
But after that, she distanced herself. Cold messages, no effort to meet. Months later, when we finally got together, she brought it all up again—saying she still felt that pressure. I told her I’d message her after, but didn’t—mostly because if she was still holding onto it months later, I didn’t think there was anything else I could say to fix it.
So, AITA for being hurt and telling her how I felt?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my friend I was hurt that she didn’t want me to join her at a club we had talked about going to together for over a year. I might be the asshole because I made her feel pressured or guilty for not including me, and she now says she feels like she can’t be honest about her plans without worrying I’ll be upset or want to be invited. Maybe I overstepped by expressing how excluded I felt.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
A gentle YTA, I completely understand why you feel the way you do, but i also think she has the right to hang out with her out of town guests without you.
NAH
You met that woman randomly because you had lots of things in common. You became close, but there were other people that are clearly closer to her ( uni friends ). They might be a close friend group that didn’t get together for a long time, so it is understandable that she just wanted to spend time with those exact people during their visit rather than also involving someone who doesn’t know/interact with those people at all, so she can’t be considered an AH
From what you wrote it sounds like you are upset because she un-invited you to her party. That is a pretty annoying thing to do, a better way would be to think everything out before inviting other people to her party rather than already doing so and then changing her mind. Again, you may have had other plans for that day that you moved/cancelled in order to meet up with her, so you’re not an AH here either
YTA – asshole feels harsh but it sounds like your friend is the one who planned the trip and that she never actually invited you. Her husband invited you and you, understandably, took that invite to heart without realizing you were intruding on her time with a completely separate friend group. Like it or not, you going would change the dynamic and your friend isn’t wrong to not want that dynamic to change.
What makes you the asshole is you calling her a mean girl and saying she made you an outsider in a situation where you are inherently an outsider. You guys being close friends does not mean she has to include in a completely separate friend group that doesn’t even live in the same place as you.
ESH. You have a right to feel hurt and you’re NTA for telling your friend. However, from what you’ve written, to me it seems that it became apparent pretty quickly that your friend was not going to see the situation the same way as you saw it, and you should have dropped the matter. YTA for keeping at it to the point where your friend felt she could no longer be candid with you. If you want to restore the friendship, you’ll need to do some work to create a sense of emotional safety that allows BOTH of you to speak your mind.
No one is TAH. You’re hurt from being excluded, and that’s okay, because you were and that does suck. She’s also allowed to spend the last night her friends are in town with them, wherever and whatever they want to do, and you’re not invited. As an expat, reuniting with friends is something you can surely understand. She’s not wrong there either. None of this was about you, you’re making it about you because they went to a club you want to go to and have spoken about before. Do you think you got a little over excited at the thought of a fun girls night out? Also understandable.
This can be the end of the friendship if you want it to be, or you can be adults and talk through it and make plans to go out again, together.
Gentle YTA. You are allowed to disappointed at not being invited, but your friend is allowed to spend time with her friends without you. You would have changed the dynamics of the group, especially since you did not know the other girls, if you had, it would be a different matter. Those other girls probably wanted to have a girls night and have fun with your friend and each other and you would have complicated things.
> She got upset and said she felt like she couldn’t tell me things without fearing I’d expect to be invited
Remind her that you WERE invited
Nta
NAH. I’m guessing your friend wanted a night where she felt like she was young and with no responsibilities again, hence wanting to hang out with her uni friends without anyone from her ‘current’ life – some people are like that. I do agree that you have different expectations for friendships so perhaps it’s best to cut the tie now?
YTA and quite entitled. Just because she didn’t want you, where you weren’t invited, there that evening she’s a mean girl?! No, her husband invited somewhere he wasn’t even going or the host. She wanted time with her friend. Just because you really wanted to go she shouldn’t have to accommodate you in her friends last night there. You owe a huge apology. It’s reasonable that she didn’t want to have to entertain you. You went way overboard.
YTA. While feeling hurt in this situation is natural and I can understand you being shocked at your disinvite from the club, you were not invited by your friend. Her husband invited you without her knowledge and created an unfortunate situation where feelings were hurt.
However you escalated this situation quickly and into a place where you can’t get back to the friendship without some serious conversations, apologies and self reflection- on your part.
YTA. Her husband shouldn’t have invited you. You were fine until you called her a mean girl. I’d distance myself from you too.
YTA
Your friend gave you a kind, honest explanation, she didn’t want to mix her friend groups. That’s not personal, that’s just a boundary. Instead of respecting that, you made it about your feelings and tried to guilt her, like she was responsible for the rejection you felt.
She didn’t exclude you to hurt you, she just wanted to keep certain social dynamics separate. That’s valid. Not everyone wants all their friends in the same room, and it doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about you.
You weren’t owed an invite just because you’re friends. And pushing her after she explained herself, that’s what makes you the asshole here.
Definitely YTA. Just because you thought it was a “more the merrier” situation doesn’t mean that she did. You have no idea what the dynamics are with her old friends. Maybe they wanted to all do synchronous dance moves together. You would have completely changed the dynamic. But all that matters is she wanted to spend quality time with her friends and you felt entitled to encroach on that time (and get mad at her for it!). I wouldn’t want to be friends with you either. I’d be worried that you’d get offended every time I wanted to do something fun without you. I’d be scared you’d find out and invite yourself.
Her husband obviously mistakenly “invited” you. I put quotes there because it was not his event and he did not have the right to invite you. You should have realized this. Unless you are invited by the host, you are not invited. And she called you immediately to tell you that she wanted to spend the time alone with her friends – again, totally reasonable! I would have said “oh geez, my bad, of course you want to spend quality time with your university friends! Have so much fun and I hope we can still visit that club together in the future!”. Instead you got all pouty and weird and offended. Yikes, I’d be thinking huge red flag if I was her. Stage 5 clinger!
if you wanted to go to the club so badly why not invite some of your friends/family to visit and go? Or get a babysitter and go with your husband? Sounds like she has a more active social life and you got jealous. You need to reflect on why you reacted so weirdly.
NTA – it’s a club, I don’t see why she couldn’t introduce to her Uni friends. Once her husband invited you she shouldn’t be banging on like you’d invited yourself along, did she know he invited you?
Honestly though, I would drop her. It’s one thing in the moment to be upset but her dragging this out for months is just shit behaviour and you didn’t do anything wrong, being upset at being uninvited is hardly wrong.
She’s an arsehole, you should stop chasing her for friendship because she’s showing she isn’t worth it.
YTA, once you called her a mean girl for wanting to hang out with her friends who I’m guessing she doesn’t see nearly as much as you, you lost all my sympathy. That sounds so high school and very emotionally exhausting to deal with. Adults are allowed to have separate friends without being guilted. Her husband shouldn’t have invited you but you are grown and should have handled her response more gracefully.
YTA, but I do think the friend should lay some of the blame at her own husband’s feet, not just yours
NAH
Mixing friend groups is the worst, it’s so much pressure to divide your time and make sure everyone feels included. You’re not wrong for feeling left out, but she’s not wrong for going out with her friends. I have close work friends and I have a close outside of work friend group.
I don’t have fun when I’ve mixed the two.
Mild YTA. When hanging with a close group of friends who already know each other, you are inherently an outsider. They probably want to at some points talk about situations and people they all know/remember but they wouldn’t be able to do that with you there because it’s rude to not include everyone in the convo. Your friend would indeed be forced to split her attention between you and her friends. It’s her friends’ last night. They deserve to have her whole attention for it. I get it’s a club and prob not a whooooole lot of talking will go on, but still. They want to enjoy their time together. It’s not really a great time or place to meet/introduce someone new. It wasn’t excluding you or done with any ill intent.
Your friend did not invite you; her husband, who was not going and didn’t have the authority to invite you shouldn’t have invited you without clearing it w his wife, so he sucks for that.
If you’re so desperate to go to this club, why not go with your husband (get a sitter for a night), or invite some of your own friends to visit. You’re not entitled to piggyback on another persons hangout even though you’re friends with one of them.
NTA. Your friend’s husband is, though, for inviting you without her knowledge, thus requiring her to uninvite you so she could be with her uni friends one last night. For all you knew, her husband could’ve been given the green light to invite you. How would you have known otherwise?
Um…ouch, but she doesn’t want to be friends. NTA as long as you don’t chase her, which it seems like you’re not.
soft YTA , you have the right to be disappointed but she never invited you and wants to spend her last night with her friend from a different friend group, friends that she never gets to see, its 100% understandable as an expat. I love mixing friends but it does change the dynamic, and you don’t know them.
YTA. Your friend never directly invited you, and you basically invited yourself. Obviously you could still attend since it’s a public space, but your friend’s attention would have been divided. You kinda put her in a tough spot. I think it’s great she was honest in telling you she preferred to spend time with her friends that were visiting, it didn’t seem personal. It would have been different if you two already had specific plans to go together, and she ditched you for those friends or something. Also, it’s okay she wanted to devote her time to her friends on their last night and not want to invite other people..people have different views on that topic like you said.. I think YTA for trying to make her feel guilty about that.
Eh, I love all my various friends dearly but I also recognise when some groups just won’t mix. I understand what she said about not wanting to have to split her energy between you and her old friends.
You can have the best will in the world, but it’s still tiring to make sure everyone is having a good time if they don’t all know each other, and actually I’d rather do that at a restaurant where you can talk than a club where you’re all shouting at each other. Friend groups develop a flow – who likes to dance, who will get tipsy and need keeping away from the creep, inside jokes that you can’t explain over the bass, small facial expressions that make sense when you all know each other well.
YTA because while I understand feeling hurt, she didn’t even invite you and your reaction was over the top calling her a mean girl.
If you really want to go to that club with her, organise it. Both your husbands are clearly happy staying home with the kids, so do it!
ESH. I think that, while it’s understandable that she would want to hang out with her close group of friends on their last night with just the group, her refusing to understand why that would hurt you sucks. Holding onto this for months is a shitty move. I think others have covered why you’re TA for pushing after she said no, but her not understanding why you’re feelings are hurt and keeping this grudge when her husband invited you is also shitty