Before coming home from uni I (f20) promised my bf (m19) that we’d be a team and stay together over the summer and if my mum told him to leave I’d go with him. I kind of felt pressured into promising this but I did. He came over after a week of me and my mum being alone together and after two weeks my mum said to me that it was time for him to go home for a bit because she wanted some time with me just the two of us. Just for context, my dad died earlier this year and I have no siblings so my mum wanting to spend time alone with me is understandable. I made a fuss with my mum because I thought my bf would break up with me if I told him to go home and I didn’t go with him. Anyway, after I told my bf he refused to stay in the house and slept in my car. I slept in there with him. My mum booked him a flight home and a return flight for three weeks later. The following night he again refused to stay in the house so I managed to convince a friend to let us stay at hers. I tried explaining to him my mums point of view but he felt I wasn’t defending our relationship.
The next night my mum left the house and stayed at a friends so as we would stay back in the house. Even though he said earlier that he would not stay in the house, I asked my bf if he’d stay in the house with me even but he said no. He ended up walking off into the darkness. After a while I drove around and found him. He said that my behaviour was disgusting in making him believe he was going to sleep outside. I ended up convincing him to stay in the house. Note that throughout this he knew how anxious I was and how worried I was about my mum.
Me, him and my mum eventually made amends and he agreed to go back for the three weeks. However he booked his own ticket for the same flight my mum booked. The second day he was back home his attitude completely changed and demanded that I have to do something to rebuild his trust because I broke the promise I made to him, disrespected our relationship, and for abandoning him. I felt really guilty and booked to go over and see for the next Tuesday. When I came to him with that the next day he said it was half arsed as it was the day after our 8 month anniversary and I chose it because it was the cheapest option (I’m a student?). Anyway he said I needed to do something to show that I loved him so I ended up, out of panic that he was going to break up with me, booking a flight for the Friday, despite saying telling him that me coming any earlier would damage my relationship with my mum, and I also had work on that weekend. The next day, it wasn’t sitting right with me and I told him it felt like an ultimatum, and that I wouldn’t choose between him and my mum. After loads of arguing I booked another flight to come on the Monday instead.
I told him I’d felt controlled throughout our relationship and he said he’d change if I came over and we could talk about it in person.
My mum and aunty today sat me down for an intervention saying they were worried about me and my mum said if I get on the flight she will come too and make a massive scene until I come back with her. They both have this idea in my head I am in a toxic coercive relationship. I told him my concerns and theirs and he wants to work on things, providing I come.
I have felt pressured into things and felt controlled in the past and felt that he overreacts to things. I told him this now, he said he’s willing to change. I’ve had a bad feeling in my gut for a while but I love him so much and he loves me. He doesn’t think he is in the wrong.
What am I supposed to do???
TL:DR – is my bfs behaviour emotionally abusive or toxic, do I take a chance or trust my gut?
Comments
Yes this is toxic. Your partner should never make you have to choose between them and your family and punish you if you don’t comply to their ultimatums.
Please don’t get on that plane.
Too many red flags. You need to run away from him!
Your mom is terrified because your boyfriend is insanely abusive. If you were my daughter, I would be panicking because this is the kind of behavior you see from people who isolate their partners and then often end up killing them.
Please, please break up with him and don’t get on that plane. If you can’t do this for you because you’re worth more and deserve better – do it because your mom is already grieving the loss of your dad and she needs you to be safe and there with her right now.
This is super toxic. Why wouldn’t you be able to spend time with your mum without him?
You are in a toxic and coercive relationship.
Your mum and aunt are 100% correct.
As far as what to do – you leave him. This will not improve. This will not get better.
Healthy partners don’t throw down outrageous ultimatums like this that separate and isolate you from your entire support network
Omg OP PLEASE don’t go to him, he is trying to isolate you from your loved ones. I am genuinely worried for you.
Yes this is toxic.
He’s not changing to change — not for long — just until he thinks he’s got the hooks in deep again. He doesn’t think he’s wrong. He just knows you’ll be easier to bully, in person.
The promise was unwise to begin with, but the fact he was pressuring you was already signs of problems.
You’re teenager BF/GF, not a married couple. It was foreseeable and fair for your mother not to want him to say for months and months. That’s why he started manipulating before he even arrived.
Listen to your mom and aunty. They know what’s up.