Girlfriend’s old friend is a psycho

Hi Reddit,

6 months ago, I (M32) was introduced to my partner’s (F30) male friend during his birthday. We live in a large city that he was visiting with his wife and his wife’s family, and they’d arranged a birthday party at a sports bar. This was a gathering of maybe 10 people. My partner’s friend used to be her roommate, 10 years ago, and she considers him like a “brother”- her words.

Unfortunately there was a game on that night, and the bar was busy and noisy, so loud nobody could hear each other in our group. Like as soon as my girlfriend and I walked in, we could see this wasn’t going to work out, the atmosphere was nuts.

Unfortunately, my parter’s friend reacted to this situation badly. As in, he had the biggest anger fueled meltdown I’ve ever seen from an adult human being. He started yelling at his wife, yelling at his wife’s family- even yelling at me. And I’d known him all of 10 minutes. Realizing there was something really wrong here, my partner and I searched for an alternative bar, 5 blocks away, and suggested we move location, and I planned for the exits for us.

For the next 10 minutes, her friend’s meltdown spilled out into the street. He got so worked up, all because his birthday was ruined, that I witnessed him slapping himself in the face. 

All while stamping his feet like a child, and continuing to yell at his family.

What really got me, though, was his wife’s reaction. She responded to his aggression with a complete blankness of affect. Like a total empty expression. Which led me to two conclusions: one, she’d seen this before, and two: she’s the victim of abuse. Because his behavior was utter abusive toward everyone around him.

By the time I’d realized that he’s an utter frothing psychopath we’d reached another bar, he’d started to calm down, and we found a table. I told him to hang back with me, so I could tell him I wouldn’t tolerate further outbursts, and he started to become angry again. He started yelling in front of the staff and the bouncers. Not at me- just yelling in general about his birthday being ruined.

This time I yelled back, reminded him his wife and my girlfriend were there, and that he needed to knock this off, right away. 

He immediately stopped and became very sheepish and contrite. Like as if I’d snapped my fingers. There were no more outbursts from that point.

I realized later, the fact he stopped his tantrum as soon as I slapped him down, meant that he could do so at any time.

He just chose not to. 

So I came away from this situation, understanding I’d just met a serious abuser. Someone who believes he can get what he wants by losing his temper.

I tell my girlfriend that I never want to see him again. I tell her that I’m concerned for his wife (who my partner assured me is fine, after she checked in on her). My girlfriend tell me she understands how I feel, and agreed that his behavior was utterly appalling.

A few months pass, and my girlfriend and I are going to a rock concert. Several actually, for a band who we both like. These gigs are going to be a few weeks out. We have a few extra tickets we were going to offer to friends, and what does she do? She invites him to one of them.

So I remind her what we’ve experienced and let her know I’m extremely uncomfortable with this. I remind her that I’m not willing to be in a 5 mile radius of this man. But, he’s like a “brother” to her, and she’s not willing to dis-invite him. I tell her I’m equally uncomfortable her being anywhere in the vicinity of him in any situation alone.  Again though, she’s not budging on this, and went so far as to accuse me of being controlling. I tell her that it has to be her decision, that I am not about to say who she can and cannot see. Then she accuses me of setting up a trap.

This has led to fights between us, and me being completely miserable.

So what I’ve done is, I’ve told her outright I’m not going to any of these shows. She’s on her own. She knows full well how I feel, and I’m not about to sacrifice my principles when it comes to an abuser. I’m walking away from this entire situation. I have said that if he crosses any line with his behavior I will step in to protect her, however.

But I don’t think I can continue with this relationship. Which is hard, as we’ve been together for 3 years and living together for 2. But I’m not seeing any way forward- she’s adamant she’s not willing to lose him as a friend and won’t uninvite him as a result.

Any ideas how I can navigate this one?

TL;DR I met my girlfriend’s old friend during his birthday party and he had a prolonged temper tantrum over nothing and I realized he’s an abuser. Despite my concerns she invited him to a concert with us, later. I’m noping out of that, and coming to the conclusion I should probably walk away from the relationship, but need some additional perspective.