I know the title sounds harsh, but there’s a whole lot of background here. I’ll hit on the main issues.
She’s financially illiterate. I don’t know exact details, but Im assuming based on the info I have it’s roughly $100k+ in credit card debt alone, not to mention other loans or things I don’t know about. I know she pays the minimum every month just so it won’t go to collections, but does not try to actually reduce it. If she has money left over after bills, it’s spent on splurges, she has 0 savings. She’s in the perfect situation right now to pay off some debt and get in a better financial position (she’s living with her 89F mom, my grandma, to take care of her and not paying any rent) but she refuses. Her brother is an accountant, I’m debt free and decently financially literate, we’ve both tried to explain and help her, she just says “yes, this is a great plan, I’ll stick to it!”, then a week later she’s buying a new car or doing something else idiotic.
I’m her only support system (in her mind at least). She has no friends, she frequently tells me I’m her only friend. If her brother and sister didn’t reach out to her first, she’d likely never talk to them again, not out of anger or malice or anything wrong with the relationship, but she just refuses to cultivate relationships outside of me. The kicker is I haven’t lived anywhere near her in almost 10 years. I had hoped when I first moved away she would be forced to branch out, but despite my best efforts to encourage it she’s refused. I know she’s lonely, and I hate it, but she will not attempt to fix it herself, and I can’t keep feeling responsible when I have my own life to live. It’s breaking me.
Then there’s the logistics. I live in a foreign country. She has no reliable way of getting a visa. Her plan seems to be to come live with me for the initial 3 months she’s allowed to stay while she finds a job here to get a visa. She does not speak the language, and has no specialized skills. I’ve explained exactly why this will not work, she doesn’t believe me.
So now, my grandma isn’t doing great health wise and I think realistically she’s got maximum 2 years left, likely a year or less. My mom is starting to realize that she needs a plan for when grandma passes and she doesn’t have somewhere to live anymore. She absolutely can’t afford to live where they are now alone. She has no savings, no plan, and she’s always wanted to live in Europe and close to me again, so naturally I’m the solution. Except I can’t do it. I can’t be her parent anymore, I can’t pause my life to plan hers, and I absolutely refuse to be responsible for her financially in any way at this point. I feel horrible and guilty and evil, but I can’t fuckng do it. Her siblings would never let her be homeless, but I also know she would be unhappy living with either of them because they will get on her case about her spending issues. Without their help, she’d be in a bad position. She genuinely seems to believe I am her only option at this point. Please help me figure out how to tell her no.
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
You absolutely can not have this lady moving in. Especially as you are very young and NB or not you will likely want a partner and family. How ever that is or what ever that looks like for you.
Mom is similar. I’ve told her from a very young age that I wouldn’t take care of her when she’s older. My response to things like this now are “you cannot stay with me but happy to support in different ways”
Tell your mom clearly that she can’t live with you. Let that statement be part of every conversation.
“I understand that it would be easiest for you to move in with me, but unfortunately I’m unwilling to allow that. You’ll have to figure things out for yourself.”
Don’t give her a “you’re too financially irresponsible” or any other reason aside from “I just don’t want to.” If she thinks she can make you believe she’s suddenly financially responsible she’ll think she can move in with you, and I get the impression that you wouldn’t want her moving in even if she wasn’t completely idiotic with money.
If you can afford it.
Can you lease an apartment in your name in her country so she won’t be homeless?
Yes, you’ll also have to pay utilities but she can sort out food and everything else and you can hold firm on this boundary.