AITA for kicking out my (now ex) partner knowing he would be homeless?
I (50F) ended a ten-year relationship with my now ex-partner (52M) last night. He’s been living in my home that I own. He contributed very little financially and even less emotionally and left all the domestic stuff up to me. After years of trying to make it work, I finally reached the point where I just can’t keep doing it. I told him that he needs to leave.
Now he’s saying I will be making him homeless. He thinks I’m heartless and unreasonable. And part of me feels guilty, because I know he has no money and nowhere to go. So I guess I want to know if I’ve gone too far.
I have spent the past ten years being loyal and supportive. I bent myself into whatever version of me I thought might finally be enough for him to want and love. I supported him emotionally, physically, financially, and in every other way I could. None of it ever felt like it was truly returned. He was very happy to take whatever I had to give.
For at least the first five years of the relationship, he was cheating. He insists it wasn’t cheating because he never met anyone “in person” and it was all “just online”. But he was very active on dating apps, sending and receiving explicit photos and videos, sexting, emailing other women, video sexting, and having ongoing sexual and romantic conversations. He says it was all just fantasy and that I’m being unreasonable for calling it cheating. And he gets mad at me for having trust issues.
He moved himself into my home and paid a tiny amount of board, only when it suited him. I still, after ten years, have not met any of his friends. Not one. Somehow that’s my fault too. Meanwhile, he fully integrated into my world. He connected with my friends and family, including going behind my back to “borrow” ten thousand dollars from my mother. Apparently I’m being unreasonable for my reaction to that, because he plans to pay her back eventually.
Now that it’s over, he thinks he should be able to go live at my mother’s house while he gets back on his feet. Not his own mother’s house. My mother’s. Because it’s my fault for making him homeless.
I know he doesn’t have many options right now. I know this is hard. But I am so tired of everything always being about his comfort, his crisis, his needs. For ten years I twisted myself inside out trying to make this work, and all it did was wear me down.
So yeah. I told him to leave. I meant it. And now I’m trying to sit with the guilt.
I know I’m a fool for spending so long grovelling at the feet of a man who never loved me and who was never grateful for all I gave him.
But AITA?
ETA – I gave him notice to move out over two months ago but he keeps finding ways to drag it out and not go. I haven’t just dumped this on him with no notice.
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AITA for kicking out my (now ex) partner knowing he would be homeless?
I (50F) ended a ten-year relationship with my now ex-partner (52M) last night. He’s been living in my home that I own. He contributed very little financially and even less emotionally and left all the domestic stuff up to me. After years of trying to make it work, I finally reached the point where I just can’t keep doing it. I told him that he needs to leave.
Now he’s saying I will be making him homeless. He thinks I’m heartless and unreasonable. And part of me feels guilty, because I know he has no money and nowhere to go. So I guess I want to know if I’ve gone too far.
I have spent the past ten years being loyal and supportive. I bent myself into whatever version of me I thought might finally be enough for him to want and love. I supported him emotionally, physically, financially, and in every other way I could. None of it ever felt like it was truly returned. He was very happy to take whatever I had to give.
For at least the first five years of the relationship, he was cheating. He insists it wasn’t cheating because he never met anyone “in person” and it was all “just online”. But he was very active on dating apps, sending and receiving explicit photos and videos, sexting, emailing other women, video sexting, and having ongoing sexual and romantic conversations. He says it was all just fantasy and that I’m being unreasonable for calling it cheating. And he gets mad at me for having trust issues.
He moved himself into my home and paid a tiny amount of board, only when it suited him. I still, after ten years, have not met any of his friends. Not one. Somehow that’s my fault too. Meanwhile, he fully integrated into my world. He connected with my friends and family, including going behind my back to “borrow” ten thousand dollars from my mother. Apparently I’m being unreasonable for my reaction to that, because he plans to pay her back eventually.
Now that it’s over, he thinks he should be able to go live at my mother’s house while he gets back on his feet. Not his own mother’s house. My mother’s. Because it’s my fault for making him homeless.
I know he doesn’t have many options right now. I know this is hard. But I am so tired of everything always being about his comfort, his crisis, his needs. For ten years I twisted myself inside out trying to make this work, and all it did was wear me down.
So yeah. I told him to leave. I meant it. And now I’m trying to sit with the guilt.
I know I’m a fool for spending so long grovelling at the feet of a man who never loved me and who was never grateful for all I gave him.
But AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my ex to leave my home, even though I knew he had no money and nowhere to go. He says I’ve made him homeless and that I’m heartless. I feel guilty because I know it will be hard for him, and part of me wonders if I went too far by not helping him more.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Drive him to a homeless shelter. Problem solved. He did you wrong first and you’re not even married so you owe him nothing. And him having the audacity to say he should stay with YOUR mom is insane.
NTA. As stated, you can do your due diligence by driving him to a homeless shelter. You’re not married to him so you don’t owe him anything and at some point enough is enough. He refuses to contribute so he’s basically a leech.
He’s clearly a con artist who doesn’t deserve one more second of your time, energy or money.
He not only adds zero value to your life, he subtracts from it.
Of course you’re NTA, but you already knew that.
NTA, not at all. And you really shoud read this BoRU: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1m3mr52/aitah_for_not_letting_my_roommates_boyfriend/
He is a dead weight, he’s been mooching off of you, and he’d be happy to keep doing that forever. If you let him stay, nothing will change. He is a full grown man, and he needs to figure out how to support himself. There are resources he can connect with to get help getting there. But again, he’s a big boy and can figure it out himself
NTA. You’ve been in this dead-end, deadweight relationship for FAR too long. He needs to lean on some of those friends you’ve never met. Tell your mother not to let him in and to call the cops if he shows up at her door.
Drive his deadbeat, hobosexual butt to a shelter.
He has options. He just doesn’t like the ones he has. Tough shit. Ten years of using you? Time to adult and realize he and only he is responsible for HIS choices. It will be hard. But there IS a better partner for you. You won’t find them while your blinded by guilt. Open your eyes and clean house. Good luck 🤞
Tell him that when you broke up with him, that includes your mother and your friends. He will find another victim, unfortunately.
Absolutely NTA. His failures are all his. He got a free ride for ten years and paid you back with cheating. Keep him away from your mother!
NTA. He took advantage of you, contributed nothing, disrespected your relationship, and is now shocked and amazed that you don’t want him to continue living off your goodwill. Sounds like he has family. He has options. It’s not your problem to sort out for him.
Cut him loose. You aren’t his mother.
NTA. What in heavens name has he been doing these past ten years?
He can go live with his friends or his own mother while he gets back on his feet.
Info: Do the laws where you live allow you to kick him out with no notice? Some places require you to go through a legal eviction process
NTA, he made his bed, now he’ll have to find a bridge to live under.
Yeah, it sucks that you spent so much of the prime of your life supporting him when you should have been building wealth so you don’t have to work until the day you die.
You need to find a partner who provides synergy to the relationship, i.e. 1+1=3.
This guy pulled you down; 1+1= -1.
He’s 50, let him figure it out. There are 20 year olds living on their own.
Not only are you NTA, you need to be in combat mode. Not aggressive, but defensive, and proactive. He’s literally telling you that since he can’t mooch off of you anymore, he’s going after your mom.
If you’re 52, your mom is an elderly woman, probably trusts your Ex to an extent, and is possibly vulnerable to his exploitation.
You need to take this seriously. This is so beyond AITA territory. You have someone literally trying to go after your mom financially, after he’s run the well dry with you.
NTA. You are not making him homeless: he is.
So in summary he:
What a charmer. It’s only sad that you didn’t kick him out earlier. NTA
NTA
NTA. I mean..he shouldve thought about being homeless BEFORE that behavior. I’m sure his family or friends or whoever he was meandering around with will give him a place to lay his head. Esp not my MOTHERS! Just how I would roll.
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NTA. Why did it take 10 years? The first year of him cheating should have been more than enough. Good that you finally kicked him out… but MAKE SURE he does NOT GO TO YOUR MOTHER’S. He will rob her blind.
NTA.
Though definitely contact a lawyer. You might need to evict him to actually get him out.
NTA. Maybe being homeless will give him time to think about what being a decent partner looks like. Not cheating (whether or not he met anyone in person, cheating is cheating). He’s lucky you’ve put up with him this long. Also, if he wasn’t contributing much financially to the household, where was he spending his money? If it wasn’t towards bills, he should have money to fall back on and to find a place to live. How lack of effort isn’t your responsibility. Good riddance.
NTA.
Call the Marshalls office and have him escorted off your property. That should be a big enough hint that not only are you kicking him out, you are severing all ties with him. Absolutely do not cut him any slack or do anything else for him. He’s a taker, that’s it. Don’t fall for his guilt trips.
Let him be homeless. He’s 52, an adult. He can figure things out himself.
I could have written your message. I cut my ex loose in 2023, after 10 years of bullshit and abuse.
NTA. You did great!
NTA. His homelessness is his problem. Bed made lie.
NTA
But I think you know that, it’s the guilt you can’t shake.
But at the end of the day, what option did you have really? What cards were left to play? It seems you pulled all the rabbits out of the hat.
You had two choices:
Completely accept what he was offering and acknowledge that there was nothing left to try. That the rest of your life would remain this miserable at the cost of his security.
Accept that he needed to leave so you can try and build a life less miserable.
It was a pragmatic choice.
Now, there is something else to consider here. You are only calculating out the outcome of your decision in terms of what he has historically done with the options he had in place. Think about that for a moment – he wouldn’t work or assume responsibility for his existence when he had you to do it for him. So yes, you kicked him out into homelessness.
But! You have no idea what he will do now that his options have changed. He probably doesn’t either as it has been 10 years and he probably never thought he would have to work it out. But in reality there are a great deal of options available to him, he just has to sort through them and make them happen. His homelessness might be very fleeting.
Try very hard to ensure he doesn’t just swap in your mother for you. Let him find someone else (or ideally even himself) to carry the next 10 years.
OP, I’m sorry you’re hurting and tired. You know it’s past time to cut him loose, but you need to get him out of your life. Tell him if he tries to stay with your mom, you’ll report him to your local office on aging for financial elder abuse for taking her money. Then do it. Those people take a very dim view of people who take advantage of seniors.
You deserve better. Go find your peace.
NTA
NTA
The term you are looking for is hobosexual
NTA You and your family are being taken advantage of. Its scary youre even considering giving him an inch. 🤷♂️ He will take a mile and it..wont..end.. until you end it, like you have the opportunity to do now.
Cheating? Borrowing $ from your parents behind your back? Not acknowledging ANY of it was wrong.. 😬 and you’re considering not going full no-contact from him?
P.S. Wait til you have to evict him and he claims squatters rights, or borrows more $ (from your parents or friends) or jades your family against you, convinces them you want them to sign things over to him, etc;
NTA but just remember you can’t just kick him out and change the locks against his will, you could get in trouble for that. If he refuses to leave you will have to evict him since he resides there. Hopefully for you he doesnt know that, and once you get him to leave on his own you’re good.
NTA. Of course. But it’s OK to come here to validate your decision. He’s spent 10 years convincing you not to listen to your gut. We got you, though. Trust your gut. He is a grown ass man who apparently has, checks notes… no money, no job, and no friends. Kick him out and sue him for the $10k he conned your dear sweet mama out of.
Did you give him any notice? If not, YTA.
NTA. He’s nothing but a lazy, manipulating and inept bum. You should’ve kicked him out years ago, as soon as you found out he cheated. He’s done nothing but use and abuse you for 10 years. He was never worth your time and effort. Good for you for kicking him out. Drive him to a homeless shelter and say good riddance. Tell your mom if she takes him in you’ll go no contact with her asap.
NTA. He had 10 yeard to get his crap together. Put his stuff on the porch and move on.
NTA except to yourself for feeling guilty. don’t waste another minute thinking about him or his needs.
Please come up with a more entertaining story next time. Too predictable.
Perhaps if you made your ex a literal demon-worshipping cannibal, it would add some suspense. You could even have a twist ending where it’s actually your ex writing the post.
Now that’s a twist!
Nta, dude had 10 years of mooching and not a single dollar stashed away for himself?! Loser. He’s a hobo sexual! Block him and don’t let him anywhere near your mom!! I mean like restraining order if he does! You’re gonna need some serious therapy for why you put up with him so long. You twisted yourself into something you aren’t and got your brain rewired to make it happen and that is going to take time and help to unravel.
NTa
Generally no, you‘re NTA.
However, it really depends on how you kicked him out. If you just told him to pack his things and threw him out the next (or even same) day, then yeah, I‘d consider YTA.
Regardless of his behaviour, you should at least give him some time (3 or so days) to prepare.
Matter of fact, in my country it is illegal to throw someone out without at least giving them a 2 weeks (or so) notice, provided it‘s considered their primary residence. So, even if you owned the place, if he used it as a primary residence and you threw him out without notice, you‘d be breaking the law in my country.
NTA, I’m so proud of you for getting him out of your house. Change the locks and only communicate with him via text so you have a paper trail from now on in case you need to make any police reports for you or your mom. Is she safe? Will she listen to you if you tell her not to talk to or give him anything? Unless you have anything in writing, she’s probably never going to see that
Money again but it could have been much worse.
You are just setting yourself up for legal problems if he knows his rights as a tenant.
If it was a woman they would be entitled to half of your house
NTA – kick him out and change the locks.
NTA.
Force him to leave.
If he refuses, start the process of selling the house.
(You don’t actually have to accept any offers, but will probably help him get his butt in gear.)
Who knows, you might end up getting a nice sum of money if you do sell up.
Info: how much notice did you give him to vacate? You’re absolutely not the asshole as long as you gave him sufficient time/notice.
NTA
And.. not your problem.
He should have thought about what would happen to him once you finally got sick of his BS and wanted him gone.
NTA. Give him the address for a homeless shelter.
He’s been taking advantage of you for years. Borrowing $10,000 from your mom is possibly elder abuse (the most common form of elder abuse is financial exploitation according to the council on aging when I was a volunteer).
He brings nothing positive to the relationship, neither physically nor emotionally. Why have you waited so long to throw him out?
NTA. It’s not that you are making him homeless. He is making himself homeless. He has taken advantage of you for years, cheated on you, and is trying to make you feel guilty to continue his free ride. You deserve so much better than this.
NTA.
If the relationship’s over, it isn’t your job to take care of him and provide him with a home.
Granted, if there’s family or someone else he can move in with, then maybe help him get there, if feasible. But…no. You’re not obligated to house him, if the relationship’s over.
NTA at all here!!! I beg you to not let this man take more from you or your mother. He’s a grown man, fully capable and responsible for himself, please don’t feel even an ounce of guilt over kicking him out of your house and life.
He’s a hobosexual. He dated you for a place to live and convenience, not because he loved you. Go be single and meet a guy who’s actually interested in being with you. Nta
NTA.
I’ve known several people who ended up with partners that “would end up homeless” if they split up. The last shred of lingering love they had, felt responsible for them.
Just because you were the most recent person to cross their path in a significant way, does not make you responsible for financially or emotionally maintaining that person for the rest of their life.
NTA. He shouldnahb plenty of $ since he skipped out on paying for anything for 10 years. He also has friends and probably family. It’s past time to find your worth and stop enabling him.
Nta. Follow local laws and give him notice in writing that he needs to be out by a certain date. You’re not making him homeless, but you should evict him if he refuses to leave and change the locks once he’s been legally removed.
In another few years, you’re going to be very proud of yourself for doing this. I’m older than you. The true “I deserve good things” kicked in later in life. I look back at how I used to be and realize that it took this long to be ok with being happy. You will be fine. Better than fine, you will be spending all that money and energy on someone who deserves it- you.
Technically he has 30 Days by law you can’t just throw him out he lives there that’s his address all he has to do is call the police you might be right and justified and feel justified but by law you can’t just throw him out you have to give the man time to find a place to live 30 days notice
NTA. If he ends up homeless it’s 100% his own fault and not yours.