My ‘40M’ partner and I ‘31F’ have been together for two and a half years. When we met he was still legally married and living with his wife and daughter. They had to agree to separate but live together in the same house until their child graduated. It wasn’t an affair. She knows about me. Last summer after their child graduated we moved to the other side of our state to be closer to his parents. They are getting older and needed help. I moved with him because I love him. We have had many conversations about want we want in our relationship and from each other. Marriage has always been something we both wanted. But we had to wait because in our state you have to be living separately for a year before you can start the divorce process. That year has come and gone. When I asked him about it he said he will ask her about it but didn’t want to push her because she can make the divorce very difficult for him. Months go by then finally in February they talked and agreed to go ahead and start it. She said she will have her lawyer come up with the paperwork. Then everything stopped. Her father died. I was understanding and didn’t bring it up again until a few months later. I asked him again, this time it was her father’s birthday. Then it was Father’s Day.
I was never thought I would ever get married. But then I met him. And all I want is to be his wife. I asked him a few weeks ago if he wanted to get married again because at this point I feel like neither one of them really want to go through this divorce. Not because of them being in love but for their own personal reasons. I told him that if he doesn’t want to get married again but still be together then that is fine but to please let me know. I don’t think. I feel lost and alone. I gave up everything to be with him. I don’t have any family near me. I want to be with marriage or not. But if it’s not going to happen then I deserve know so I can process it.
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Let this be a lesson to not mess with a married man. Do you know how many men say they’re separated and “just living with their wife?” Even if they’re poly, have an open relationship, or whatever if you’re looking to settle down and get married this kind of thing (ie him not wanting a divorce) is just way too common. Cut your losses and move home. Respect yourself.
It was unfair of him to bring you in when he wasn’t all the way out. Now you’re ready for more and he isn’t. You will either have to be patient and wait, or bail on him.
If you push him, it’ll push him away and you don’t want that.
Leave him. He’s not ready and doesn’t want to make you a priority. Don’t you deserve your be your potential life partner’s priority?
Believe them when they show you who they are…the first time.
Don’t settle for crumbs.
Sit him down and ask him again. Its dragged on far to long. Its up to you if you can’t accept just being his long term girlfriend or not. He needs to push her for divorce the fact that he isn’t means he’s not ready to marry you. Maybe deep down he does not want to marry again but you deserve to know that. Communication is key.
Honestly I think you need to think about this really long and hard. Weigh the pros and cons. Making excuses hardly sounds right to me , seeing as how the phrase goes “if he wanted to he would”. He’s got baggage he’s not willing to let go of , and since you already gave up everything to be with him, he knows you’d be willing to keep waiting . I’m not one to say give an ultimatum, but I definitely think the conversation needs to be had where the two of you sit down and discuss this. He cannot commit to you if he cannot commit to a divorce . First it was the kids , then her father died, then the rest as you started. It’s a cycle because he’s unsure. Marriage and divorce are something you should be sure about. And if he isn’t, he shouldn’t have moved on so quickly. This sounds to me like you’re a place holder until he gets his emotions and wants in check. It’s not fair to you. That being said I’m well aware things aren’t black and white in relationships. But I do think you need to have a heart to heart and a back up plan. I personally was legally married when I met my current man . My ex husband and I were separated and living together. We have children and still amicably agreed to divorce while agreeing to co-parent as a well working team to support the children.
This was me many yrs ago. Divorce unfortunately can bring up a lot. Its not planned & you cant foresee it. I say cut your loses and move on. As long as theyre legally married youll have no legal rights, or questionably murky ones & this situation seems un predictable with him having mixed feelings. Do NOT settle. i got married and had kids w/ someone else and thank God every day i didnt stay w/ my ex
Please move on before you waste any more time
When you get to the point of saying to yourself “I mean technically it’s adultery, but under the circumstances I think anyone would understand…” you have already let yourself go too far. You know you don’t respect yourself or him for this move. He doesn’t respect you, because you knew what you were getting into. Love is not a feeling, it’s an action that causes us to treat the person we love with dignity, respect, honor, and better than we treat ourselves. He doesn’t love you or he wouldn’t do this to you, he enjoys your presence, there is a difference. Get out of this situation and find a person who will love you the way you deserve.
Please go back to your family. You can find someone so much better