Feeling guilty for wanting to leave.

I’m not quite sure why, but every time I, 18F, bring up the fact I’m looking for apartments to move into, specifically to my mother, 41F, I genuinely feel like a horrible daughter. For context, I pay more than half the rent currently: she’s on low income, so it’s already cheaper than it would’ve been. I pay three hundred and fifty every month, and that’s only the rent.

My paychecks are only around nine hundred, but I’m training to be a supervisor, so it’ll be going up, along with the fact I’ll be going from part-time to full-time since I’m out of school now. From 20 hrs. to 40 hrs. My mother’s rent in total, along with utilities, is nine hundred and sixty. I pay for the WiFi and all of my siblings (15F, 11M, and 20M) phone bills, which is around two hundred in total. I’m also the one who pays for all the streaming services, which I’m not quite sure what those add up to.

Recently she’s been having me buy some of the groceries as well, which I wouldn’t really mind if it weren’t for the fact I don’t eat at home—sure, my snacks, but I don’t eat any of the actual food I buy. My work pays for my meals, and I only really eat twice a day at most. I purchase the groceries that are considered ingredients, like meats, dairy products, and so on, and she pays for all of the snacks and easy meals like pizza.

I’ve been the one putting gas in the car, mainly because I’m the one who drives it more often. I’ve taken it in for a tune-up and all that fun stuff. I’ve recently just purchased new tires for the car.I’m getting frustrated with the fact her money doesn’t seem to be benefiting our family like mine is.

She gets both SSI and child support from my younger siblings father, along with food stamps, and I believe she has a partnership with a church that is paying for the lights. Her food stamps total six hundred, and she gets six hundred and fifty per kid from child support, so thirteen hundred every two weeks. I’m not sure how much her SSI is.

From what I do know, she is making far more than I am, yet I seem to be putting more of my money towards things. She complains about being broke by the first week and a half of getting her benefits. I do think it is partly her addiction to alcohol and cigarettes, but that doesn’t really explain why I’m putting in more effort. Anyways, I got a bit distracted.

I think the reason I’m feeling so conflicted is because she’s financially leaning on me: everyone I’ve talked to in person has said so, even my siblings are noticing. I suppose the reason why I’m feeling guilty is because once I leave, all of it will fall back onto her. Anytime I mention moving out, she always mentions how sad she’ll be, she asks how she’ll pay rent and get the kids food.

On the topic of my siblings, it isn’t only the fact she’s struggling with her finances but also being a mother, I suppose. I’ve also taken to doing things she should be doing for my siblings. Like taking them to their appointments, scheduling said appointments, bringing them out to the fair and carnival, or simply to the park.

I’ve also been working with my sister’s (15F) school counselor to get her caught up because she missed a year. At fault of our mother, who didn’t care to wake her up or even take her to school when she did get up. Summer school, though, has been helping, I believe.

There is plenty more I can add on, like the fact I’m also taking care of my cat along with my sister’s and now a dog because my mother decided it was a perfect idea to get a golden retriever. Which by the end of the month I’ll end up taking care of, as that is what happened with all of their past pets.

My older brother (20M) is currently working on getting his own place because our mother kicked him out about a month ago (again), but since he doesn’t have a place, I’ve been taking care of his daughter (14 months old), which recently added to the financial stress and overall stress.

I feel like I am playing the role of the parent, which isn’t my job. I can’t stop feeling this crushing weight of guilt any time I think of leaving.

I want to make it known I do not think she’s a horrible mother: she’s not perfect and has plenty of flaws, and so do I. I’m just realizing how much this is draining me and not at all beneficial for myself. I just need help getting over the guilt that’s keeping me stuck.

What can I do to elevate some of this overwhelming guilt?

TL;DR
OP is having overwhelming guilt for wanting to move out because her mother is heavily relying on her financially as well as filling the gaps of her parenting, all while taking care of the pets and OP’s baby niece, while her mother makes more in a month than she does. Yet OP doesn’t want to leave her family stranded and struggling to get used to not having someone to lean on. OP wants advice on how to alleviate the guilt she is feeling.