My son is about to turn 18, and while he’s an amazing young man — kind, thoughtful, smart, and hygienic — he struggles deeply with confidence, especially when it comes to dating. He often says things like “I don’t get why girls don’t like me” or “there must be something wrong with me,” and it absolutely breaks my heart.
From the outside, I think part of the issue is how he presents himself. For the last few years, he’s worn extremely oversized clothing — not in a trendy or intentional way, but to the point where it looks like he accidentally bought clothes five sizes too big. He gets most of his clothes from thrift stores with his friends, and I respect that he’s finding his own style. But the fit is so off that it hides his figure entirely and honestly makes him look like he’s a small child wearing his Dad’s clothes.
He also has long, beautiful hair — truly gorgeous — but he wears it hanging directly in his face like a curtain. Not only does it hide his eyes and expressions, but it’s also contributing to constant breakouts across his forehead and cheeks. I’ve tried gently suggesting a haircut or pulling it back, but he brushes it off.
I want to help him — not because I care about his “image,” but because I know how cruel the world can be, especially when you already feel invisible. I’m scared that if he continues down this path of isolation and rejection, it’s going to do real damage to how he sees himself long-term.
But he’s almost 18. He’s independent. He makes his own choices. I don’t want to shame him or make him feel like I’m saying he’s not good enough the way he is.
So I’m asking other men: did you go through a similar phase at this age? What helped you come out the other side of it? And what can I do — as his parent — to support him without pushing too hard?
My husband insists this isn’t a big deal and he’s just trying to find his style but it’s been consistent for several years now and he’s almost 18.
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You can’t. The only way to stop struggling with girls is to throw yourself at them and get rejected repeatedly until you learn…the lesson.
I think back to how I dressed/looked at 18, and it’s so cringy. I remember my aunt suggesting I shave my dirty sanchez, and feeling like she should mind her own frickin business. There’s not much you can do to influence his style. An 18 year old is gonna think what does mom know about style? Encourage him to spend time in the gym. The results are almost guaranteed to keep up or build confidence.
He dresses like someone that actively hates himself in a way no parent can get through. He probably needs an actual peer to actually express they like the way he looks or to give him advice as a peer because that’s like half the point of developing with peers.
Nobody is going to take “Oh you’d be such a handsome young man if you let me dress you” seriously because that’s what literally like half of all parents say, even if your observations are correct. Making that decision for himself is the whole mark of growing up, even if he chooses badly.
Send him out with a bunch of other teenaged boys and let him figure it out for himself.
There’s not much you can do. Does he even care about getting girls? A lot of men that age don’t even really care about what women think, honestly.
He should focus on being himself and finding a woman who will want that. Once you start pretending to be someone you’re not or dressing a different way to get women, you just come off as insecure.
Be real with him ” hey I know I’m not part of your generation but your style does not mesh with what’s in, and it does not flatter your natural beauty.” You have to conpl8ment him while also telling the truth. ” if you changed things up a bit it would highlight your natural attributes and let women see you in your best light”
Why use chatgpt for this?
You’re a good mom, and I can relate deeply to the sentiment, even tho my kids are much younger. But you have to believe that as much as you’d like to save him from the torment of the world (which can feel very personal if you experienced it as a kid yourself), we only learn and grow when we’re challenged.
I dressed in a style that was me at that age, which was a lot different than how other kids dressed. I could’ve dressed to meet a more average norm, but it was just who I was, and even if I could go back and time and be like, you could get more girls if you had more mainstream style, I cannot fathom getting through to myself – and I wouldn’t want to change that for a heartbeat.
Being an individual, to me, is far more of a strong suit than following the pack for the sake of acceptance. Part of being an individual is learning that life doesn’t come as easy as those who act like everyone else. It can hurt at first, but it can be a superpower for life if you can accept it.
I would mainly be on the lookout for personality traits that would make him have difficulty meeting potential partners. Any sort of “I’m owed a girlfriend” kind of thing, or other kinds of toxic thoughts. Or, a loss of self confidence and a retreat to isolation. But a kid who gets most of his clothes from thrift shops with friends sounds pretty cool to me, and I’m there are girls out there who will agree.
I dont know if this helps, but when I got to high school I was always the outsider. Never had a girlfriend, got bullied. I became a silent recluse, that bullying killed all the confidence I had for a long time. I always thought I will be alone forever. I had my first girlfriend with 22, but it was pretty abusive. I was the classic nice guy girls would go to to cry about their asshole boyfriend just to run back to them right after. When me and my friends were going out they would almost always be making out with girls while I was standing in a corner alone. I was really stressed out and beating myself up about it. And then there came a time when I thought to myself “fuck it, I will just have fun going out. I dont care anymore what girls think about me.” And thats when it finally clicked. Its not that much about how you dress (I always wore bandshirts). You need to be “presentable” of course. But most of all it comes down to confidence in yourself. I cant tell you exactly when it came back, but the moment I became confident and secure about myself girls started noticing me. Its not like they ran after me in droves of course, but it was nothing like before. He needs to stop stressing about having to find someone. Girls will notice that somehow, as well as lacking confidence.
He’s clothing and method of shopping sounds to be exactly on trend. The hiding of his pimple face doesn’t sound great though. The best you could do is get him to a dermatologist so someone more official AKA not his mother to tell how to get rid of them. It’s also much private and won’t involve friends, family or the big one – just being public in general, looking at products in acne aisle.
You also didn’t mention hobbies. What is he into? Music, get him an instrument or keys/beat maker for his computer. Skateboard, art supplies, or anything like that. Chicks dig guys with a passion besides gaming.
Tell him to focus on himself, learn to live his own life independently without a woman. Come 30 years old, he will have the pick of the litter and can make choices about who he wants to see.
Work on himself, and the girls will come.
I wish my parents had really told me the truth as a teen that a lot of your success in this world is based on how you look. I vote you have a frank conversation with him. He may not want to hear it and maybe not everyone will agree, but I’m personally trying to pick up the pieces of not trying with my appearance for over a decade because I can’t find a partner.
He’ll figure it out. He’s just a late blommer. Be thankful you’re not a grandmother yet.
I think your son trusts you enough to be mention to you about his struggle. That’s something a lot of teen boys wouldn’t do with their kids. It’s great that he’s comfortable being transparent with you about how he feels about himself. In turn, I’d say it’s important for you to be just as honest and straightforward with him. Maybe have a sit-down conversation and ask him why he feels like girls don’t like him or why he views himself that way because that’s more important (how he sees himself). Once you understand where he’s coming from, you can gently share what you’ve observed—how he has so much potential but his appearance might be sending the wrong message. It’s not necessarily about changing his looks to fit a standard, but more about how he presents himself. Sometimes a style or a way someone carry themselves might not be as attractive to the opposite gender.
What do u think he’d say if when he mentions girls again u casually say like “what if u tried a different look?” But just say it like it randomly popped in to your head
(M60) Idk how to help, but I’m going to tell you what happened to me. For whatever reason I wanted long hair. I’d get comments like “is that a girl?” When people obviously knew I was a dude.
I had an entry job where my dad worked. There was this classy guy, who my dad probably talked to. He was obviously a handsome man, a lady’s man if you will.
One day he suggested that i go and see his hair dresser. She was really nice and cut my hair in the 80’s style. Bangs in front, feathered on the sidestep. I seriously looked good.
I also started buying my own clothes and I think that helped too.
Girls noticed me right away. I was shy and didn’t realize half the girls that were hitting on me. From then on I never had a problem attracting women.
I suppose maybe you need to find your son a trusted wingman who can “guide”’your son. Maybe a friend or relative who can “help” gently guide him.
I don’t think any talk from my dad would have had the same effect on me…
I’m 31 now and have never had a wife, fiancée, or official girlfriend despite trying regularly since at least the age of 15. Here’s what I’ve learned about advice.
Let’s say person A gives person B advice and then things go well for person B. Then person A gets credit for helping person B. But let’s say person B follows person A’s advice but things keep not working out. There is no negative consequence for person A for giving Person B bad advice.
I’ll put it another way. Let’s say person B works part time 20 hours a week for $20 an hour. Person A gives person B advice stating “You should allocate an hour a day for the gym to get a girlfriend”. Person B goes “Okay Person A, I will follow your advice” and then works 15 hours a week instead of 20 hours a week so he can allocate 1 hour each weekday for the gym. Person B follows person A’s advice for one year but still no girlfriend. Person B is upset and angry. At the end of the year, he goes back to Person A and says “Following your advice costed me $100 a week ($20 a day times five business days a week), so $5214 over the past year, and I still don’t have a girlfriend. I want you to pay me back the $5214 I lost over the past year for following your advice”.
Then Person A is like “Woah, woah, woah, I just gave some harmless advice. I am not liable in any way if the advice I gave you doesn’t work out or if you have negative consequences for following it.
Anyway, going back to what I wrote before:
“Let’s say person A gives person B advice and then things go well for person B. Then person A gets credit for helping person B. But let’s say person B follows person A’s advice but things keep not working out for person B. There is no negative consequence for person A for giving Person B bad advice.”
In this case, Person B suffered negative consequences ($5214 less money over the course of a year and still no girlfriend) and Person A suffered zero negative consequences for their bad advice.
In short: Advice is shit. Don’t give advice unless you are willing to take out money and guarantee to pay it if your advice doesn’t work out.
Going back to your advice. You think his problem is his clothes are too baggy. You don’t KNOW this is his problem, you just THINK it’s his problem. I would advise you to take one of two paths.
Path #1… You say “I am so confident that I am right that I am willing to put my money where my mouth is. If you (son) wear good-fitting clothes for a year and are still single with no female partner, you get $5000 that I put in an escrow account set aside for you (the same sort of account money is set aside in for real estate purchases that don’t transfer until conditions are met). If you do get a female sexual partner within one year, I get the money in the escrow account back on completion of the year”.
Path #2… You shut your mouth and keep your advice to yourself. Talk is cheap. Anyone can talk whatever bullshit they want to talk. Unless you have proof or put your money where your mouth is, talk is worthless. I’m a 31 year old straight man and I have followed so, so much advice over the years. “Go to the gym regularly, that will change things”. It changed nothing for me. “Get a good paying job”. Amazon paid me $150,000 a year for two years working as a software engineer and during those two years I got zero pussy, and then after that I spent two years collecting $30,000 a year in disability benefits for mental health reasons and slept with two different women while collecting disability. Nobody ever said “You will get more pussy on disability benefits than you ever will working as a highly paid software engineer for respected companies”. Advice is shit. Put your money where your mouth is or shut up.
Continuation: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/s/0j9xztwW9p
Let him do what he wants ! Don’t worry about it
When I was younger I was skinny and malnourished, so I wore all baggy clothes because I was really ashamed and embarrassed of my body. I started hitting the gym around 17 and it made such a difference in hindsight. If your son isn’t going to the gym or doing some exercise I’d fully encourage it if he’s open to it. Not only will it make him appreciate his health, but also his appearance, especially when he sees improvement. Plus it’s a life long hobby that has immense benefits to mental health, self image, health. Everything.
All you can really do is be there for him. At around his age I starting trying anything to get attention from girls. It never worked and I eventually gave up and still have never been in a relationship but there’s nothing my parents could have done about that. His clothes alone are unlikely to be the sole reason he’s struggling. You can try offering him advice but whether he heeds your advice or not things may not change for him and the best and only thing you can do then is be there for him. It’s good that he tells you these things. I rarely tell my parents about that kind of thing because I don’t want to worry them knowing they can’t really help unfortunately.
This shouldn’t come from his mother I don’t think.
If you have a sister, a friendly person your age, best friend get her to take him out for a make-over.
Do these changes and I promise you will get some dates, some interest- but the problem is him letting it happen. Like changing clothes, doing the hair.
I know what its like feel invisible but I don’t think I’d want to hear the hard truth form my mom.
you could try gentle suggestions, buy him a few tops “thought they would be cute” hey I saw this on tik-tok try this hair style out I think everyone will love it”
But don’t go full honest truth.
Your son is not a teenager, but a man. I would leave him alone to figure this one out when the time comes, and only offer guidance if he seeks it.
Being confident is important, but it’s not something you can prescribe to your son, he needs to get there on his own.
Get buzzed with him and put on some ZZ Top 😎
My dad just made sure I was grooming well. He let me know the basics like shaving all the way up to the nostrils and a lot of “Girls notice that.”
He also made sure we had weights etc., not for attracting girls but so we could be strong enough to fight other men and win.
He also corrected me so much I used to think of him as a total jerk.
He was not. Sometimes he was a jerk, but the vast majority of the time he was teaching me good lessons and teaching them well.
Girls have broad tastes, so focus on building him a strong character more than building him a strong body. Looks aren’t half as important as today’s girls tell us they are; and character is hardly ever mentioned by them… but is absolutely the determinate factor imo.
I like that you have concern for your son. I hope it goes well for the both of you forever. 😌
Try Proactive for his acne. That probably why he’s hiding his face with his hair, which is just making it worse.
oof
He needs to go to the gym. Go with him. He starts putting on some muscle and he wont want to hide in an ocean of cloth as much.
Give him an experience abroad if you have the budget. Something that forces him to socialize outside his immediate environment. It will change him.
You can only offer. Offer to talk to him, maybe share some stories of your own that he can relate to. But not „success“ stories but stories when you struggled and about how you felt. Maybe, just maybe he might open up and then, and only then you can offer help.
I think the best thing parent can do is to be there and ready to listen, without „fixing“ anything as the main intent.
Or maybe he can better relate to your husband in this matter, so maybe he can try to share about his life as a teenager and his struggles. I hope he the type of man that can have a serious convo about feelings
The best thing I think you could do is not to try to help with his appeatance and looks. That is for him to decide.
What you can help with is help how to interact with and communicate with women. And especially prevent that he takes any interest in the “manosphere” and “Andrew Tate” kind of bullshit that ruins the mental health of a lof of young men.
If he has a unique style it is okay, he will find a girl who likes that. But having the wrong mentallaty towards women could ruin a lot.
Have him hang out with kids his own age that aren’t outcasts. Have him empathize with what kids go through. Ask him to think critically about what he wants and what he’s doing to get there. At the end of the day you can solve his problems, he has to see it and build himself from the ground up.
I would suggest better male role models, a group of friends , or learning a high skilled activity.
Figuring out confidence is anyone’s journey. To figure out who they are. The questions on “I’m doing every thing right why am I not rewarded for what I was supposed to do” feels more like lack of identity issues. Why do you need a validating confirmation from an idea you never experienced and why is that sole experience a canker to any other emotional growth?
This “man” a few months back was still raising their hand to go piss. And all the suggestions to go to the gym are great. But how many stories have you read of “I am shredded af and women still don’t like me” I’m positive most men meant it has growth and any growth is better than being the same has yesterday. Just keep walking eventually it’ll start to make sense but staying stagnant is depression.
Just let em grow n know when to just get critical and not a moment before then. Suggestions are fine just don’t say what he’s trying to be is wrong. That’ll lose him forever.
Firstly, you sound like a wonderful mum. It’s really lovely that you’re so in tune with how he’s feeling and that you care enough to look out for him in this way—seriously, that speaks volumes about the kind of parent you are.
In my experience, people are most open to advice when there’s already a foundation of trust and understanding, and when you approach it with their permission rather than pushing it on them. So maybe you could start by telling him exactly what you’ve shared here: that you love him, that you’re proud of him, and that you’ve been thinking about what he said about feeling like there’s something wrong with him and how far that is from the truth. Then gently let him know that you have a few thoughts that might help, but you want to respect that he’s his own person now and you’ll only share them if he wants to hear them.
That way, you’re affirming your love and support while also giving him the space to choose how much he wants to open up. Sometimes, just knowing someone is there without judgment can be the biggest comfort—and it might make him more willing to talk when he’s ready.
I work in tech with mostly young men, same company for almost 15 years now. They started being interested in dressing up towards 30, in skincare -towards 35 🫠 I know because they come to me for routine help 😅
Body confidence issues among men and boys are on the rise. Wearing baggy clothing, using his hair to hide his face, etc. Is he really skinny by any chance?