My husband and I and let my friend Lucy and her husband Kevin stay with us after they came back from being in Europe for a few months while they found an apartment to rent. They were here for a week and tensions were a little tight at first but we tried to make the best of things.
Lucy got a little testy with me the 2nd night when I tried letting her know how we like things done in the kitchen and she got bent out of shape the 3rd day when she didn’t want to put some nesting storage containers back together the same way she found them when she unloaded the dishwasher.
But when my husband noticed his candy and my cashews were disappearing much faster than usual, and several of my tea bags were gone especially since they didn’t ask first we weren’t very happy. I did say something about my cashews since I had offered some to Lucy the first day she was there so she did replace them but she acted like she shouldn’t have had to.
I mentioned the candy in the title because it needs to be said that Lucy had said that Kevin was pre-diabetic and needs to watch his sugar especially since she had scolded him for eating 7 large chocolate chip cookies in one night. So for hubby’s candy to keep disappearing seemed a little odd and it was about 5 to 6 oz of candy with the big ‘S’ on them in about 2 days time. Now, the only reason I knew it was him was because I saw him do it on our puppy cam one night when I was looking at why the house alarm went off after we were all in bed. Cameras they were made aware of the first night they got there.
So, when I asked her to please tell Kevin to stop eating hubby’s candy, she went absolutely ballistic. She started going off on how uncomfortable we made her feel and how she felt like they were being surveilled because of the cameras. I told her the only reason I saw him was because of the alarm and I wanted to try to see why it went off and I just happen to see Kevin take some.
She claimed that none of her other friends wouldn’t have cared if she had taken the candy because that’s the type of friends she has. I guess my other friends were raised with better manners.
Then she started going off on how I was “sooo ocd about everything”. I laughed at her and said if that was the case my bathroom wouldn’t be a mess 90% of the time. She then said I was so rigid and had to have everything exactly perfect. Not at all, I was raised with manners that when you’re a guest in someone else’s home, you put things back the same way you found them and ask before eating food you didn’t buy. They did buy their own food the week they were with us.
She kept going on and on about a bunch of other nonsense and that we are no longer friends. 🤷🏻‍♀️
They packed all of their belongings tonight and left without having secured a place to live first.
So, were they thoughtless with bad manners for consuming food they had not purchased without asking first, or AITAH?
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My husband and I and let my friend Lucy and her husband Kevin stay with us after they came back from being in Europe for a few months while they found an apartment to rent. They were here for a week and tensions were a little tight at first but we tried to make the best of things.
Lucy got a little testy with me the 2nd night when I tried letting her know how we like things done in the kitchen and she got bent out of shape the 3rd day when she didn’t want to put some nesting storage containers back together the same way she found them when she unloaded the dishwasher.
But when my husband noticed his candy and my cashews were disappearing much faster than usual, and several of my tea bags were gone especially since they didn’t ask first we weren’t very happy. I did say something about my cashews since I had offered some to Lucy the first day she was there so she did replace them but she acted like she shouldn’t have had to.
I mentioned the candy in the title because it needs to be said that Lucy had said that Kevin was pre-diabetic and needs to watch his sugar especially since she had scolded him for eating 7 large chocolate chip cookies in one night. So for hubby’s candy to keep disappearing seemed a little odd and it was about 5 to 6 oz of candy with the big ‘S’ on them in about 2 days time. Now, the only reason I knew it was him was because I saw him do it on our puppy cam one night when I was looking at why the house alarm went off after we were all in bed. Cameras they were made aware of the first night they got there.
So, when I asked her to please tell Kevin to stop eating hubby’s candy, she went absolutely ballistic. She started going off on how uncomfortable we made her feel and how she felt like they were being surveilled because of the cameras. I told her the only reason I saw him was because of the alarm and I wanted to try to see why it went off and I just happen to see Kevin take some.
She claimed that none of her other friends wouldn’t have cared if she had taken the candy because that’s the type of friends she has. I guess my other friends were raised with better manners.
Then she started going off on how I was “sooo ocd about everything”. I laughed at her and said if that was the case my bathroom wouldn’t be a mess 90% of the time. She then said I was so rigid and had to have everything exactly perfect. Not at all, I was raised with manners that when you’re a guest in someone else’s home, you put things back the same way you found them and ask before eating food you didn’t buy. They did buy their own food the week they were with us.
She kept going on and on about a bunch of other nonsense and that we are no longer friends. 🤷🏻‍♀️
They packed all of their belongings tonight and left without having secured a place to live first.
So, were they thoughtless with bad manners for consuming food they had not purchased without asking first, or AITAH?
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> AITAH or should I have just ignored my friends husband taking the candy?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA bad guest manners
NTA. Your are right though. You were obviously raised with much better manners than your friend and hubby. They are entitled at the least, and narcissist at the worst (since they seem to think the world revolves around them) .
I know the type, it is in your best interest that they walked out of your home, and hopefully out of your life for good.
You do seem like a pretty overbearing host, but you’re allowed to set boundaries in your own home 🤷‍♀️
ESH Are You seriously counting teabags when you have guests staying?
NTA – But maybe a bit more discussion should have been had before they moved in, like what the deal was going to be for groceries, what’s gonna happen with the dishes etc. I think a lot of these misunderstandings come about from one side assuming that the other will just do and think like them.
Like I wouldn’t have had an issue with cashews or candy. And if pre-diabetic Kev wanted candy in the middle of the night, that’s not my circus, not my monkeys. I would’ve been far more annoyed at being woken up in the night and spoken directly to Kev about that. Like if getting up in the night and eating is a thing in your family, can you take food to your room so the alarm doesn’t go off?
I don’t think you were too rigid, because your house your rules, but I think some of this could have been avoided by setting expectations straight away, even for things you think are obvious.
NTA. If you’re a guest in someone’s home, you don’t raid their snacks without asking, especially when you’ve been told not to.
ESHÂ
Seemingly shortly after getting there, she tried to contribute by unloading the dishwasher and you jumped in to tell her she did it wrong.Â
If you offered her cashews earlier, I would not be surprised that she thought she could get some later. I think it’s odd to help yourself to someone else’s food if the host didn’t say to make yourself at home.Â
But you all clearly needed to sit down and set some ground rules for food etc. To instead tell her you knew what was up because of a puppy cam and to stop, I would be ready to leave, too.Â
YTA. Why didn’t YOU tell Kevin to stop eating the candy if it bothered you that much. Why is it your friends’ responsibility? Better still, why didn’t you just move it to somewhere he couldn’t get it.
Please ask them to leave. No guest has the right to make you uncomfortable in your own home or disturb your peace. They are entitled and ungrateful.
NTA. I would reconsider this “friendship”
YTA.
You are keeping track to the ounce the Skittles?
Counting the tea bags?!
And arguing about the nesting of bowls?
And using puppy cam to make sure you can catch them at it? Sure… alarm, but then you mentioned it.
Stay out of their business. Don’t be surprised if they move to a hotel. I would.
ESH
I think you probably aren’t the type of people who should have guests to stay. Most hosts would tell their guests to help themselves to anything in the kitchen. I can’t imagine confronting someone over an handful of nuts or a couple of teabags.
I would have to be pretty close to the friend if I allow them to stay in my home so I’d also do my damndest to be a lovely host, which imo you weren’t. Sharing food is a big gesture of caring and love and you can always buy more. I would have offered my whole kitchen for my friend and to make themselves at home and not nitpicking over snacks and teabags. Making a stingy and nitpicky environment does not seem like you’re good friends at all. You’re entitled to your own rules in your home but to me YTA as a friend.
Hell no!! Good riddance to bad rubbish!! Selfish , entitled BRATS!!!! Hope they have fun sleeping rough, haha! I wouldn’t have complained about nesting the kitchen stuff, or the teabags, to an extent, but helping themselves to the Candy and Nuts is just plain rude! I would have put that stuff in my bedroom though, since they were freeloading on the snacks, haha!!
This is why you don’t invite friends to live in your home.. it always somehow goes south.
ESH
To correct your guest in how they sort plastic containers and count tea bags is just super wierd. Its not proper host behaivor.
To walk in the candy storage after everyone has gone to bed and take candy is totally out of line. Its not proper guest behaivor.
But why you don’t adress it to the husband directly is beyond me. I would have told him ”since you had suger craving and raided the candy storage without talking to us about it we would apprechiate if you could replaced it, thanks”
I’m going with ESH. from what I’m reading, a friendship just ended over some cashews, skittles and teabags. These are all things that over a week, i wouldn’t give a 2nd thought to if my guests were eating them.
As she went “ballistic” when spoken to, sure, that seems a bit much. But I’d LOVE to hear her side of the story.
ESH
ESH.
neither of y’all know what OCD means, but you were further off than her…..
you checked cameras because someone walked the house at night. thats so creepy. why would you have it set up that way if you have other people in the house.
he ate something he was specifically asked not to. neither of you are angels.
YTA If you like everything the way you want it, and measure candy to the ounce, and consider it bad manners when someone doesn’t see things the same way you do, you should not invite people over in future. There is a broad range of what is considered “good manners” in this world. For example, where i grew up, its considered bad manners to correct houseguests or question their food intake – you just smile your way through it and never invite them back. Houseguests are generally encouraged to make themselves at home, and would not expect to be treated like children, which is what you did. I would rather not be invited at all than invited somewhere and then constantly made to feel unwelcome.
NTA. If you are particular about your home, that’s your right. I’m glad they left, so you don’t have to deal with them. (You probably could have just ignored the consumption of that rainbow candy. It’s not a huge loss and doesn’t seem like something worthy of conflict.)
Honestly you sound overbearing. And the comment about “how could i have OCD my bathroom is always messy”…. I have OCD. It manifested as cleaning OCD for a few years around the time my son was born. I wasn’t actually diagnosed until three years ago and i have “checking and counting” OCD. I’m so freaking messy. I have 3 loads of unwashed laundry, a half unpacked suitcase from two weeks ago, and just random shit everywhere. It doesn’t bother me. Do i still have OCD? Yes.
YTA, don’t host if them eating your food was gonna start a melt down in your head…
I’m like you, OP. I notice everything. Things bother me. I’m stingy and have trouble sharing (certain things).
Yet, I can only conclude that YTA. Expecting house guests to ask for permission to make themselves a tea using one of your tea bags or before snacking on your candy, is wayyyyyyyyy beyond typical expectations.
This is ESH for me – but only because of the sweets. When people are staying with me I try to be a good host and make them feel at home. If they empty the dishwasher, buy their own food, and clean up after themselves they are good house guests. Should he have taken the sweets – no, but the rest really does make you seem like a controlling host and the cameras and monitoring them are quite weird to me. You treated them like flatsmates or tenants, not guests
You also dismiss your friend as speaking ‘nonsense’
I can see why your friend felt so uncomfortable in your home
YTA and a stingy hostess.
YTA – Because I believe the friend’s version. “…she didn’t want to put some nesting storage containers back together the same way she found them when she unloaded the dishwasher” tells me everything. OP is very rigid in her habits, and can’t accept that something is not being done the exact way she wants.
Lucy and Kevin are temporary guests. If OP invited them, she should have anticipated that some things in her household would be a bit different than usual. That’s how it is when people share a space. Everyone has to compromise, and let some things slide. To start worrying about some cashews and teabags..? I would be embarrassed to ask my friend to replace cashews.
And who cares about that little amount of candy!? Of course he shouldn’t take it, that’s clear, but it’s really bad manners to make a big deal out of it. It really isn’t worth it. I would be slightly annoyed, but just silently start placing my candy somewhere else while they are staying.
Tea bags hahaha. Ger a grip. They were guests!
YTA
YTA and probably a little OCD. If you cannot handle having guests, don’t have them. They are guests. They eat your food, put your dishes away incorrectly, drink your tea etc. it’s called being a guest. You are the host but not being a good one. Expect this all to happen when people visit. If you don’t want things used, put them away but don’t berate your guests for using what is readily available.
They should have went shopping upon moving in. OP was doing them a huge favor.
NTA. Good riddance, I hope for your peace of mind the friendship truly is over! They sound like awful guests, just terrible.
I don’t like people in my space and my stuff being moved, so I just don’t invite anyone over for longer than 2 nights, and that only happens maybe every 2 years.
You can’t invite people for a longer term and then freak out about things being used and moved, they’re human beings just living and moving around.
You probably should not invite anyone to stay over ever. I think that you were both AH’s. You for being over the top and they for not being good guests.
YTA. This is funny. It sounds like you and your husband are stingy. If you really can’t afford a few tea bags and candy, you should say something ahead of time. “We are on a tight budget. I am happy to host you, but is it possible for you to pay for groceries/whatever while you’re here?”
If you’re just stingy, don’t invite people into your home and then make them feel unwanted.
Bloody hell stealing your teabags??? The horror. How dare a guest help themselves to a cup of tea.