I married my husband a little over a year ago. We got married after not much time of dating which yes I know was dumb. He has a child from a previous relationship. A daughter whos not quite school aged yet. I got pregnant 2 months in to our marriage. Our child together is 6 months old, a son.
I’d love to sleep in bed with my husband at night every night but when his daughter is with us which is 6/7 nights he has to sleep with her. She has major separation anxiety. She was also very jealous before I got pregnant. We cannot kiss, hug, hold hands, cuddle with her around because she will get in between us instantly. So we just stopped. It was very hard and lonely during my pregnancy as he didn’t come to any appointments, not even to find out the gender. We started to fight a lot and split up when I was four months pregnant. He didn’t check on me or the baby for 3 months straight. Towards the end of the pregnancy he reached out and started discussing him being there for the birth. I agreed. I had a scheduled c section and he drove me. A few hours after his daughters mother called saying she needed a sitter. So he left. I spelt that first night alone. He came back to stay the next night and drove me home with the baby. I couldn’t drive due to medicine and he was supposed to get formula and diapers when I needed them snd id give him the money for it and gas. He’d flake constantly. Eventually he started staying at my place a little and so his daughter did as well. He would never hold the baby, give him a bottle, change him or buy him anything. He makes minimum. He started getting upset because I wasn’t the one always giving his daughter a bath or dressing her. I did help out a lot while he did nothing for our baby. I was depressed and sad and said I’m not her mother. Her mother is active in her life. He got mad and said he wasn’t going to let his daughter be treated that way and they left. My son was 3 weeks old. He did not text or call or visit for a month. It would’ve been longer but I reached out. He said he wanted to give me space and thought I’d reach out if I wanted him to see the baby. He expressed a lot of guilt over it in the following months. Once again I take him back. I have no idea why I thought things would change just because we communicated about the issues. We still never sleep in the same bed. He has only ever bought my son a bottle because we were moving and needed one right then and he complained about the price of the bottle, meanwhile every time he takes his daughter to the store she gets some kind of toy. One instance a friend gave my son a car you put him in and push around and his daughter a doll house. I told my husband about it and he instantly started saying the baby couldn’t use it and his daughter should have it. I didn’t push the issue because I can buy my son things and always have. I do buy his daughter things as well. He won’t ever watch the baby for me to even go to the store because he says two kids is to much to handle but I watch them both. He’s great with his daughter. The whole world sees he loves her more than anything in the world and they also see he isn’t as close to our son. I try to not be to demanding when it comes to myself due to the fact that was his reasoning to making me go through my pregnancy alone but I miscarried a few days ago. I didn’t even know I was pregnant. His daughter was supposed to be with her mom for the night and my mom was watching our son. A rare alone moment. I was sad. I asked if he could just hold me for a little. He said yes let him get ready for bed. Then his daughter and her mother and mothers boyfriend show up because they needed a sitter. He takes her and of course that means I’m supposed to let go of the one thing I asked for when I needed him the most. I lost it. He plainly told me his daughter is more important and he doesn’t care about anything else. I left. He’s since claimed he didn’t mean it but I don’t want my son to grow up and realize his dad loves her more. He deserves more but if I leave he won’t ever see his dad and I’m not sure which is more damaging. Also gonna add in that when he doesn’t have her he spends that free time running errands and hanging out with friends. Something I never get to do because I’m a full time mom.
Any advice is appreciated or just brutally honest opinion thanks
Edit to add he normally calls our son “your son” he says it’s because I always call him my son
Comments
You’re a single mom already. The only difference is, right now, you’re also catering to a man who treats you like an afterthought.
Divorce.
Hello there, firstly I take a moment to recognise and to tell you it shows how amazing of a mum you are and how hard you are trying to give your son the best and all of your love which is something that must be recognised, you are a first time and new mum, you are doing amazing and you’ve got this. You and your child deserve SO much better than this. He has clearly shown you time and time again that both you and your child are not his priority, even the fact he refers to him as “YOUR” child instead of “oud” or “his” too already speaks volumes. I understand that he wants to care for her as it seems her mother is just passing her to her father and not caring enough, which may further affect her separation anxiety, but more than indulging her he should be getting her professional help because it’s something that poses a bigger issue, its affecting all of you. They are both children, his children, his favoritism and dismissal of your feelings and your child’s well-being are an issue that won’t be solved until he works on it and it seems so far he is not thinking of doing so. Believe me, your child would be better off with you only instead of growing up feeling less than his sister. And if he wants to be a part of your baby’s life he would make an effort, it’s not your responsibility to make him a good father to your child, it’s his responsibility to step up and be a good father and decent human. You don’t have to stay together for it to happen, you dont have to reach out first.
In simple words (TLDR): You are doing amazingly, he has done nothing to improve his situation with his daughter for you or your child. He clearly is irresponsible and dismissive and overall IF HE WANTED TO, HE WOULD. He would work with professionals for his daughter, do more for you and your son, etc… It’s not your responsibility nor your duty to teach him how to be a father. It’s up to him, you take care of you and your son.
End it and request child support through a judge.
This is not an excuse, I think what he’s doing is diabolical, but I would be curious to know if he was like this with his daughter as a baby? Some people just want to be around kids when they “develop a personality”- ie can communicate clearly. They have no interest in the early years where the child is dependant. Which is awful I know. I’m just trying to ascertain if he was like this with his ex, leaving her to do all the early years messy stuff, cleaning up poop etc and then gets involved when the kid can be entertaining to him & is more self sufficient in terms of needs not needing 24/7 “hand on” care that a baby needs. It’s quite an old fashioned way of doing things, but wasn’t uncommon 50 years ago for men to be completely hands off in the primary years. Again, before I get downvoted I’m not saying it’s right, it’s awful and he’s been awful to you in turn. (Also you’re a stronger woman than me for putting up with it for this long).
I can only suggest couples counselling as a last ditch effort to not tear your family apart. But girl honestly on a personal level I would have already gone. He’s not been a husband and he’s failing as a father.
This is not going to get better. He’s not ready to be a husband or father to his younger child.
Nothing is worse than feeling completely alone in a relationship. You might as well be estranged alone, instead of stewing all day every day in unrequited desires and anxiety.
Did you ask him why he saw his son as a baby from another union? Does he prefer girls? What’s his problem? Because this is absolutely not normal. Have you expressed to him your feelings about the unfair treatment between the two children and his DUTY as a husband that he does not honor at all?
I’d just divorce and just be realistic that you can’t expect anything from that guy. The court mandated agreements will help make sure he doesn’t get off scott free but otherwise create your own happy family without him. Why set your son up to be forever disappointed? You will do a much better with the freedom of parenting and running your life the way you want without making room for his unreasonable needs and poor judgement calls.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it sounds incredibly tough. You deserve support, and your son deserves a dad who shows him equal love; maybe consider setting clear boundaries or seeking couples counseling to address this imbalance, but prioritize your and your son’s emotional well-being for sure.
Divorce and file for full custody. You’re husband sucks so hard he’s creating a black hole
You should have never married him the first place with the way his daughter was behaving. You’ve ignored more red flags than a communist party parade
There is no fixing this. There is NOTHING you can say or do to fix this. Short of divine intervention, nothing will change
I was going to say you’re just the bang-maid/nanny, but it sounds like you two aren’t even having sex. You’re just a free maid/nanny to him
He doesn’t respect you, please respect yourself and hire the best divorce lawyer possible. Does he even know his son’s birthday?
Get rid of him
You do everything alone that has to do with “your” son. Your husband doesn’t care about you or the baby. If the daughter is not with you, your husband will leave. So he doesn’t care about you again. You are for him only the baby mom and the caregiver of his daughter. If you were important to him, he wouldn’t treat you like that. Do you really want to give your son such a family dynamic? Your son will never feel seen or loved by your husband. He will later blame your son for things his daughter screwed up. You must protect your son from him and his daughter! So what advantage do you have of staying in this marriage? You are already a single parent! Please stop being treated as a babysitter and domestic help. He won’t change his attitude as long as his daughter needs him. So do you want to wait that many years until your husband is interested in your son? Make a line and finally separate yourself from him. You will see, your life will become much easier without the mental stress.
Its worse for a child to grow up with a parent that doesn’t love them, especially if they watch that same parent showering all their affection on a sibling. That is a wound that never heals.
If you walk away, at least that is not in his face and you give yourself an opportunity to be with someone who actually loves you and your son. I’m sorry, but your husband is clearly not that person. He is not over his ex, and he has not moved on, I have no idea why he married you unless its because he thought you could parent his daughter for him.
Run, don’t walk, away.
Please, for your sake, get on some birth control. I highly recommend a mirena IUD. After insertion, there is absolutely nothing for you to worry about or remember to do.
This will never change. Make sure you get as much as possible. Document everything. Make sure you get full custody. Then, never see him again. There are great men out there. You seem to be really nice, please, stop becoming a doormat. This man is bad for your son.
The sooner you leave the sooner you will find a good person.
This sounds like an intolerable situation and it’s not going to get better. It sounds like your husband is wracked with guilt about leaving his daughter and is letting her control him in a sad effort to make up for it. He is not likely to change.
You’d be better off to get a divorce. At least then, you won’t have to put up with his daughter and her mother constantly disrupting your life. You can live in your own place in peace and just focus your attention on your son. I wouldn’t even allow his daughter in your home, if I was you. She’s not your responsibility and shouldn’t be calling the shots in your life.