Our wedding is in 3 months, we’re in the thick of paying final invoices and finalising the details.
She recently came back from training for her new job (over a month away from home) and has been extremely depressed and distant lately.
She initially said that she’s upset with her day to day routine and can’t cope with the fact that she’ll never be able to ‘live out her twenties.’
She cares for our 1.5yo day to day while I work full time and study part time. She works 1 night/week so we rely on my income for rent, food and bills. I typically do most of the household chores and cooking as she gets overwhelmed daily from trying to manage a very cheeky toddler.
She opened up to me yesterday and said that she’s not sure what she’s feeling. She’s not sure anymore if she’s marrying me because she loves me or for our child.
My initial instinct is to postpone our wedding–how the hell can we get married if she’s thinking this 3 months out!? But if we postpone it, it would make things very awkward and difficult with my side of the family (European, very close, VERY judgemental (in a nice way haha))
I don’t have any friends who has kids so it’s hard to get advice as your perspective of life changes once you bring a kid into this world.
Do I continue with the wedding which may end in a messy divorce or postpone it making things very awkward with family and friends?
Theres a lot more to it but I don’t want to write a novel so any context questions feel free to ask.
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She works one day a week? Check for PPD and if she doesn’t have it just coparent. Better to lose deposits than a divorce
Despite financial setbacks and potential familial upset, I would postpone the wedding. You can make more money and you aren’t going to be living with your family the rest of your life but with your wife instead…so I’d make sure you’re both sure, marriage is a big deal. No amount of money spent or family upset could make me marry the wrong person or the right person at the wrong time. Just my two cents, but it’s only two cents so take it or leave it 🙂
Go to therapy if you can afford it. I would think couples therapy is needed. It would be more awkward to get married and then either get cheated on or divorce in 3 months.
She sounds like she needs some therapy to figure herself and her depression out.
In the meantime, I never understood why people live to please their family and friends. Who cares what they think, that’s not their marriage and relationship. They should stay out of it until you two figure your stuff out. I would definitely speak to them and forbid them from meddling in my marriage. If they don’t, then I would limit contact so they learn not to.
Recently came back from a month away and is now all of a sudden getting a case of the FOMO claiming that she’ll “miss out living out her 20s”?
That raises alarm bells to me.
Definitely postpone. If your family gets all judgey that’s a reflection of them not you!
Never be able to ‘live out her twenties’? Dude, I hate to break it to you, but it sounds like she may have cheated while away for work. I would investigate that. How did she act communication wise while she was gone? Has she been very protective of her phone since she’s been home?
It also might be normal “cold feet”. She needs to speak to someone immediately, the longer you wait to postpone/cancel the wedding the more it will cost you.
She went away for a month of training, but only works one night a week? What kind of job spends that kind of money on training for a part time employee?
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Updateme
Find out what happened on that trip. She either cheated or met someone she can’t stop thinking about.
Leave this nightmare in your rear-view.
She went away for a months course and she only works one night a week, something doesn’t add up there.
She had some alone time and realised what she is missing, this is awful to say but you don’t know if she met someone while away. Do not get married as she will resent it. You need to have a serious conversation with her. Cancel the wedding as she is in no shape to get married at this point.
This is going to be hard on you but it may also be over if she thinks that she might just be doing it for the child to get a father.
I think she’s going to have to realize that she’s got a kid now. She isn’t going to be able to “live out her twenties”. At least not in the way she’s thinking, I’d imagine. If she needs to go to therapy to get her head screwed on straight it’s fine, but your comments about her texting that guy non stop are not promising.
The training was more than half the amount of days that she works in a year? Who trains for 30 days for a once a week job?