My partner and I have been together for three years. After being together for 1 year we had an unplanned pregnancy. I became pregnant with an IUD and after being told the pregnancy could be successful I decided to continue with the pregnancy. We were both super excited about becoming parents but at the time I was a student and my partner didn’t have a job nor did we have a place to live. Eventually my partner ended up getting a job and finding us an apartment a month before our daughter was born prematurely at 29 weeks. Given the circumstances I did not bring up getting married even though he knew it’d always been my desire to marry before having kids. The conversation would come up and he would just say it would happen sometime in the future.
Now our daughter is almost two and I am preparing myself to get back into working and doing my own thing, all of which he is very against as he thinks I should just stay home and is hoping on having more kids soon. I brought up to him that I want to pursue my own interests and marry before even thinking about having more kids. The conversation on marriage didn’t continue but lately after every minor argument he’ll say “this is why I don’t wanna get married” or “this is why I don’t even think about marriage.” His attitude makes me so upset because he knows how important it is to me because I need marriage in order to feel secure to continue having a family with him. What makes this worse is that he’s been married before and used to claim it wasnt “a big deal” but somehow it’s too big of a deal now to the point where he has doubts about marrying me. Part of me wants to continue pressuring him to marry but at the same time I feel so silly for having to do so when I already give so much of myself to him (having his daughter and playing “housewife”). How can I have a conversation with him about this?
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
I would look into why you need to be married to feel secure.
A piece of paper means nothing in the grand scheme of the universe. I was married 20 years and got epically fucked over. I have friends that have been together 40 years with no paper.
My attitude has changed surely. If your partner is gun shy stop pushing him. Sometimes once you get married everything turns to shit. If you truly need marriage you might need to find a new man.
Don’t force him, you’ll get a shut up ring and you don’t want that. I’ve had two partners who were married before and they have the same views on marriage. Not saying everyone who is divorced feels that way, that’s just my experience. If it’s that important, you need to have a serious conversation with him. Don’t let him dodge the question and try to end the conversation. You may have to come to terms with the fact that he simply doesn’t want to. Then you need to decide whether that’s a deal breaker or not. You also need to think about your daughter, growing up with parents that are unhappy is worse than growing up with parents that are divorced but are civil with each other. Good luck.
You don’t, you get out. Your post is full of controlling red flags from him. im just not in a good place to run you through them. I will let calm heads explain the flags.
No more kids. Do not have more kids with this man. Get a job immediately. I have massive alarm bells going off from this post. He wants you to be a stay at home with zero financial security in the event of a divorce (no marriage, so he can bypass the legal systems put in place specifically to protect stay at homes), who keeps popping out kids. Translation: he doesn’t want you to be able to leave.
I guarantee if you do what he wants, he will become abusive. This is textbook abuser behaviour. He’s trying to put you in a position where you cannot leave if he starts hurting you. This is what they all do. He wants you pregnant and financially dependent on him. That should be a massive fucking red flag.
And before you say it can’t happen to you, it can. It does – more often than you think. I know a woman who was in a happy marriage for years, until the day he drove her to a secluded location and tried to kill her. She barely made it out with her life. It can ALWAYS happen to you.
Marriage was always important to me too. You have to decide if it’s a deal breaker. You need to tell him if it continues to bother you, you might make the decision to leave, since he can’t give you, what you really want.
There are no accidental pregnancies. Termination is always an option. That was your first mistake. You could continue to make a mistake by staying with him.
So he wants wifey privileges for girlfriend prices? Add that to the fact he’s been married before?
I could understand if he was honest and communicating if his aversion was “Divorce is extremely expensive, mentally difficult, and emotionally exhausting. I’m hesitant to ever reenter that situation” and then discussed what a future without marriage looked like before y’all became parents.
He didn’t though, he let you believe marriage was a possibility and is now using it as an emotional weapon against you.
I’m not going to say leave, I’m going to suggest you get on relationship counselling and decide properly what the future looks like and how best to ensure you are both happy and healthy for bubs. Whether that’s a marriage you both enter happily, a relationship without marriage you exist in happily, or seperate relationships that make you individually happy.
Start building your own life with just you and your child. He is not good husband material.
You don’t need another conversation. He’s told you very clearly that he has no interest in getting married. It also sounds like you’ve been very clear to him on not wanting to have more children without getting married.
I know you don’t want to hear this, but you’re no longer compatible. This is sad since you’ve been through so much together, but I don’t see any reason to believe either of you will change. Given this, now you need to decide how you want you and your daughter to live going forward. I highly recommend seeing a lawyer privately to determine what legal situation you’re in, but it is likely that he has very limited liability except child support, depending on custody arrangements.
I’m so sorry it’s come to this, but at least you know before you get pregnant again. Also, remember there are no nonsurgical fail-safe birth control methods, so be careful.
Best wishes ~
Make sure you don’t have another kid with him until you get this all resolved. You went to school for a reason and you need your own way to make money and support yourself so you are not dependent on him for everything.
Do not try to marry someone who doesn’t want marry you. And do not procreate more with someone who doesn’t want to marry you.
He has an escape plan is what it sounds like. Do you have one? Better get one.
you want to experience a life you can have. he wants you to be his baby making bang maid. you leave, covalent and pursue the aspirations you want to achieve. the fact he’s told you he doesn’t want you to pursue a life outside of him. you’re too young for this and he’s old enough to know better. maybe his controlling attitude is what made his first marriage end. run OP. he’s waving the red flags and he won’t change. you don’t stay to show your daughter the kind of man she needs to look for is like her father. trust me, my mom not divorcing early on, I married a man like my father. your bf ain’t it. run OP, for your kid, please.
Marriage should not be the goal.
The goal should be to get married to someone who wants to marry you, and if you have to pressure him…….
In addition to this you’re not being treated well. That’s two reasons not to get married to him.
The kid is a 3rd reason. Raising kids with a guy like him often leads to them needing therapy later in life. Do yourself and the kid a favor and move on.
PS: You definitely should not have more kids with this guy. You’re going to be stuck with him. Any future kids are being used to trap you. I’ve seen this before. He’s already trying to make you stay home, which isn’t what you want.
I’m sorry for your situation. The truth is, your BF doesn’t want to marry you. 🚩But he does want you to be tied down and dependent on him. 🚩any time there is a problem, he throws “this is why I don’t want to marry you.” 🚩 he knows this is important to you, yet he does nothing. 🚩he is incapable of having a mature discussion with you despite being 27. This is a man child.
Here’s the truth. If he wanted to marry you, he would have proposed when you found out about the pregnancy. He is using you. He doesn’t care about you.
Get a lawyer to figure out child support (don’t do it without one). Get a place of your own. Get an app. To figure out how to co-parent. Find someone who appreciates you, respects you and wants to genuinely be with you.
This is exactly why you should be glad you didn’t get married. Time to work out custody and move along after you get back to work. He sucks.
He’s telling you how he feels. Listen to him. He wants you at home taking care of his home and kid, he doesn’t want you as a partner in life
Soooo he uses all arguments to say “this is why I’m not even considering marriage”, but wants you to stay at home and have more babies.
Your needs aren’t getting met now. More kids and even marriage will not fix that.
You said marriage before children was super important to you. You then had a child. Do not have more!
You are 100% right that you should be experiencing life, investing in your career, and experience marriage, without adding more children. Him demanding you reproduce some more is NOT a stand-in proposal and ultimately it’s not really commitment even though it seems like commitment.
Consider perusing and also posting on the waiting to wed sub.
This guy ain’t it. He is no prize. He seems like a jerk to me.
I’d consider moving out and demanding child support.
Why are you sacrificing your dreams for a man that has not shown he is committed to you? Why are you waiting around for a man to see your worth? If you side line any more of your life for this guy you will continue to suffer. A man is meant to bring extra value to your life, not cause confusion and stress because you don’t know what he wants. A man should be able to tell you his intentions and his plans for your relationship. Especially when you are the mother of his child! If a man does not make you feel emotionally safe you leave and stop waiting for him to listen to you.
You don’t. He’s doesn’t want to get married and that’s painfully obvious . You either accept that you’ll be never be anything more than a girlfriend- or you leave , and find someone who does want to get married. You’ll just look desperate bringing this topic up over and over- the response will remain the same . Focus on getting your life together so you can leave and most importantly DO NOT have any more kids with him.
He doesn’t want to marry you. There’s nothing to talk about. Case closed. Nothing you can do or say is going to change his mind. Even if you did, you will never be happily married to this man.
If that’s what you want out of life it will not be with him. If he is what you want, this is the best it will ever get.
There are a few pragmatic reasons that it’s important for women to seriously consider marriage before children
This is a huge burden to carry alone, and if you’re unmarried you’re also relatively unprotected.
You absolutely need to get back into the workforce and support your own career and independence. It’s extremely concerning that he doesn’t understand that.
If he doesn’t want to marry you now, he never will. He’s had a child with you, he’s been with you long enough to know you well. If it’s not something he’s excited about doing with you now, the person you are, then he’s not going to be any closer in the future.
I’m sorry OP.
He’s also not the husband you want. The husband you’re searching for understands and supports your goals, listens to what matters to you and helps you achieve. He doesn’t push you back into a SAHM role because it suits him.
You’re priority right now is getting back into the workforce, and having him start to pick up more of the parenting load.
What is there to say in a conversation? Isn’t it embarrassing having to beg this man? He doesn’t want to marry you. You’re not going to force him. It appears you may have made a mistake with choosing this man. In your shoes I’d move on.
Don’t have another kid. Get a job. Get out.
And then make better choices ol in your life than having a baby with someone that doesn’t have a job and you’re not in a committed relationship with.
Staying or having more kids is going to be disastrous for your life m
Even if he’s the father of your daughter do you want to marry a man that doesn’t want to get married??
You shouldn’t have to beg someone to marry you. Unfortunately, after this many years and a child, if he’s not done it yet, it’s unlikely to happen. Please get back into the workforce and start your career again; you need good earning power to support your daughter. Make an exit plan and get out