30s. Living together 1.5 years now.
My partner believes that making the bed is really, really important. I think it’s stupid but I will. I rarely do because I’m usually the first one up. We are both fine with last one up makes the bed.
I slept in today until 730 – he was already awake and downstairs. I woke up and I was going to make the bed, but I needed to take my medication first and use the bathroom. He actually believes that was wrong of me, that getting out of the bed and making the bed should 100% happen at the same time, no matter what. I think that REAL NEEDS should and could come first. This is now a huge fight.
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30s. Living together 1.5 years now.
My partner believes that making the bed is really, really important. I think it’s stupid but I will. I rarely do because I’m usually the first one up. We are both fine with last one up makes the bed.
I slept in today until 730 – he was already awake and downstairs. I woke up and I was going to make the bed, but I needed to take my medication first and use the bathroom. He actually believes that was wrong of me, that getting out of the bed and making the bed should 100% happen at the same time, no matter what. I think that REAL NEEDS should and could come first. This is now a huge fight.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I need to know if me choosing to take my medication and use the bathroom before making the bed makes me an asshole. Does that clarify?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA frankly he sounds controlling asf
NTA
This is bullying behaviour from your boyfriend.
If he wants the bed made, he can make it
Wow. Thats wild. NTA. It’s probably not about making the bed first thing though. Ask what it’s really about.
NTA
But it seems you two might have some significant differences here. And – that your partner is making it a huge fight over the fact that you didn’t make the bed the second you got out of it . . . yeah, this does not appear to bode well for your relationship.
Sorry.
NTA Tell him it’s best to air the bed when you get up rather than make it straight away. It apparently dissuades bed bugs from moving in!
NTA, that’s ridiculous. If it’s that important, he can make the bed.
Wow. Just wow. NTA. 🚩
NTA. The benefits of making the bed are more psychological than hygienic. Regardless of whether you think it’s important, it’s hardly a life-or-death matter that has to precede all else.
I am firmly in the ‘you need to make the bed’ camp. Making the bed is sometimes more than just making the bed. It’s about starting the day off in the right mindset, and at the end of the day, getting to climb into a comfortable made up bed.
So I applaud you, OP for being willing to support your partner and do this.
BUT!
Your BF’s insistence that the bed must be made before absolutely anything else being done is overly rigid and ridiculous.
It is actually better for the bed to be left ‘open’ with blankets down, ideally with bedroom window open, to help air out the linens, pillows and dry out the mattress. So.
And bed-making can definitely wait until you have a morning pee. My goodness.
Tell your BF to give his head a shake. Why is he being so illogical and stubborn, to the point of fighting over this?
Is it because he actually doesn’t believe you will make the bed and that’s why he insists that you need to do it first thing right away? Or are there other areas in your relationship where he is this insistent on being this micromanaging?
Regardless, NTA.
NTA – Boyfriend sounds like something else is stressing him out if he’s pissed about a five minute wait for a bathroom trip.
Did he happen to come upstairs and get frustrated or did you go downstairs before doing it? If this is obviously a pet peeve of his & you went downstairs and told him the bed was unmade, I could see him feeling like you’re trying to push his buttons.
NTA, they want to make the bed, more power to them, but I never do and wouldnt change
I can’t sleep in a made bed. If I am in a hotel the first thing I do is unmake the bed. I have the right partner. She is always hot at night and I am often cold at night. Because of this we like different blankets. My side of the bed has my sheet and blanket and her side of the bed has her stuff (often no blanket, just a flannel sheet). So making the bed would be stupid and unproductive.
Anyway, my advice is to find the right partner.
NTA.
I make the bed every morning, but usually it is the last thing I do before I go downstairs.
Your partner sounds a little too controlling.
Seems like so much more going on in relationship than this.
You’ve lived together for more than a year, you’re a full grown adult, and this is important to him. What’s the problem with making the bed? It wouldn’t be a huge fight if this was the first time, so what’s the holdup in general? Sure, use the bathroom first, whatever, but then why can’t you make the bed??
Yeah, you are the asshole. If it’s so important to him and you care about him, Just do it. Then perhaps he is compelled to do something that is important to you. It’s not about being right.
NTA. Your boyfriend sucks. Is he this controlling in other parts of your relationship? Why on earth does a 10 minute delay in making a bed result in a big argument?
If he’s only argumentative about making the bed, you might be able to write it off as a weird quirk. But if he’s this angry about you taking a few minutes before making the bed, this is not a healthy relationship.
Does he often get angry or argumentative when you do things that displease him? Does it cause a fight when he doesn’t feel like you are doing what he wants? If so, he wants a woman he controls, and not an equal partner. Some men are abusive because they can be, and it gets them what they want. They would rather bully and dominate their significant other into submission, instead of having a loving and caring relationship. You may need to throw the whole man away.
Actually he may be wrong. Experts say that you should let the bed “air out” a bit after exiting the bed and before making it. Here is one such example there are plenty of others out there.
I am of the “make your bed daily” camp, but I do my morning routines first and then make it (weather permitting, I open the window at this time).
But it doesn’t matter who’s right or wrong, he’s being extremely rigid and weird. Is this the way he is about everything?
NTA It’s my understanding that it’s best to let the sheets cool before you make the bed, bacteria will have less chance to take hold and grow. I don’t know if it’s true, but it’s why I leave my bed “open” for ten minutes or so before (the obviously necessary job of) making it.
NTA
We make the bed in the morning. We aren’t militant about it though. The problem here isn’t making the bed, it’s his insistence that it be done when he says it has to be done. He’s controlling.
I guess I want more information and would encourage you to be curious as well. WHY does he think making the bed is so important? WHY does he think it needs to be done urgently?
Don’t fight about this. Pack.
There is not a day that I wake up and can do anything at all before I pee. Even my dog stays on the bed until I come out of the bathroom.
NTA, needs come first. If you’d like to rock his slightly neurotic world, I believe the sheets should air out a bit before remaking. For hygiene. 😏
Time to leave.
In my opinion as long as it’s made a little after you get ready for the day or at least after breakfast then it’s ok. Read Admiral William H. McRaven book on Make your Bed.
Making the bed is not important at all, in fact you shouldn’t make the bed. If he wants it made he can make it after it airs out.
NTA. Is he always so controlling and obsessive about things? Living together means adjustment and compromise. Just because it isn’t done “his way” does not make it “wrong”. He is an AH.
If this makes for a huge fight, wait until something that’s actually important arises.
Absolutely NTA. I agree with you that making the bed is stupid and pointless. But that is entirely beside the point here. Your partner likes a made bed, so you are willing to accommodate him and do your share of bed making. Good for you! Of course bathroom and taking meds comes first. He’s being ridiculous and controlling.
NTA
I am of the strong belief that in order to focus on solutions and not problems, we must be personally responsible for the things we find really important. If not doing the thing has no real physical or emotional consequence, then the person who is responsible for that thing is the person who values it and not the person who is apathetic towards it. Of course, you shouldn’t ignore doing something if it is actually important in terms of cleanliness, safety, emotional support etc.
e.g Person A wants to go to a variety of different restaurants when they have a date, whilst Person B is happy to go to the same diner every time. It is therefore Person A’s responsibility to research and book the restaurant when they go on a date. But, if Person A feels they need to go on dates regularly so they can have meaningful one-on-one conversations and shared experiences, whilst Person B is happy to just Netflix and chill, it is still Person B’s responsibility to help schedule, plan and organise dates from time to time so Person A doesn’t feel their needs are being ignored.
I think most people would agree that making the bed definitely falls in the first category and not the second.
My former mother in law was over for dinner. She decided to check out our bedroom for some reason and when she returned to the table she made a comment. “Your bed is not made. You should make it everyday.”
At the time I was working 6 days a week. Her son was working when he felt like it, often from home.
I looked across the table at her and asked how I was supposed to make the bed, when her son was still in it when I left for work?
I always turn back the covers to air out the bedding, then make the bed after I get dressed, never immediately after getting out of bed.
It depends, but I honestly feel like possibly YTA, because this is a small ask that is apparently really important to him. I’m not sure it’s very different from being pissed a partner won’t put their laundry in the hamper or any of the other couples squabbles that take the form of ‘this is a simple task I am asking you to do, could you please just do it’.
Does he remind you to do it often, and is he usually polite about it? Is this the only small chore he is asking for, or one of only a few? Does he have a very achievable standard for what a made bed looks like, as in just straighten the comforter? Are chores split fairly and does he take care of his business if you don’t remind him? Does he reliably handle all of the small asks you make of him, like rinse your plate when you’re done eating, don’t leave laundry lying around etc? If any of these are not true you’re NTA, otherwise I think its reasonable to ask a partner to remember to do a little thing and have them do it without reminding.
Don’t get me wrong, I can see that it seems so small and petty, but if he is dependable when it comes to your small asks and this task is simple, I think it’s reasonable of him to ask for a small thing. I do think it’s pretty crazy for him to blow up at you for not having done it immediately. Seems likely something else is going on.
NTA this isn’t a bed making issue, it’s a control issue. it sounds like your partner likes to have things done a certain way and if they aren’t done in that certain way, then you did something wrong.
having the last person leave the bed make the bed is a great compromise! but dictating the timing, the method, the output, and punishing someone for not doing exactly that, is not part of the compromise.
Does he also think peeing on the floor is fine, just as long as the bed is made?
NTA! He put making a bed over medical needs? He sounds like a control freak!
NTA. People have weird hills to die on. If you love them, you do your best to deal. And if you are the person with the weird thing, step 1 is acknowledging that it’s your weird thing. Step 2 is asking the people you love to humor you, not cater to you. Your partner can have a bed-making fetish, but it’s unrealistic to expect you the care about it to the same degree. I wonder if this is actually a fight about something else?
Also as others have pointed out your partner is ignoring best practices… leaving the sheets exposed for a bit allows body moisture to evaporate, making for a more hygienic experience overall. Hikers and campers do the same thing with sleeping bags- they need to be aired out before they get rolled up.
NTA. Using the bathroom when you wake up is necessary. If you have to wait until the bed is made, you might be cleaning the floor and washing your pajamas. Bladder always comes first.