I am 61-year-old female and my friend is a 62-year-old female. We have been friends for 20 plus years. Friend has had health issues like a couple of heart attacks and a couple of strokes. Her daughter died from a Tylenol overdose a few years ago. Since all this has happened she has definitely gone through some personality changes. One of those changes is her constant
criticism of everything I do. I’ve tried to be tolerant because I know the trauma to her brain has most likely changed her personality but I’ve reached my limit.
Everything I choose in my life every decision I have to make she has to have her word about it and she will not shut the fuck up.
For instance my car has the feature where it will shut off when I’m at a stoplight. Every single time she’ll have to say to me ” that is going to destroy your starter”. Every single time. A car is newer and still under warranty so I don’t know why this is something she needs to worry about.
I have my own house my own car a job full-time and have most of the time been good with my decisions. The ones that were bad I own up to and deal with.
My health is not perfect I have arthritis everywhere in my back my thumbs my shoulders and my knees especially. I’m in pain a lot but I still manage to get most of my shit done but there are days that I have pain and am exhausted from working.
One day a few weeks ago I ordered a curbside pickup from Walmart which included a rotisserie chicken.
When my friend found out I had rotisserie chicken for dinner from Walmart she asked me if I went inside the store to get it or if I got it curbside. I thought about lying about it because I knew what was coming next but I figured why should I lie? I told her I got a curbside and she freaked out and called me lazy.
At that point I was about done decided that I didn’t want to be her friend anymore.
She thinks she’s right but I don’t give a shit if she’s right or not I just don’t want to deal with her anymore.
Does that make me the AH?
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I am 61-year-old female and my friend is a 62-year-old female. We have been friends for 20 plus years. Friend has had health issues like a couple of heart attacks and a couple of strokes. Her daughter died from a Tylenol overdose a few years ago. Since all this has happened she has definitely gone through some personality changes. One of those changes is her constant
criticism of everything I do. I’ve tried to be tolerant because I know the trauma to her brain has most likely changed her personality but I’ve reached my limit.
Everything I choose in my life every decision I have to make she has to have her word about it and she will not shut the fuck up.
For instance my car has the feature where it will shut off when I’m at a stoplight. Every single time she’ll have to say to me ” that is going to destroy your starter”. Every single time. A car is newer and still under warranty so I don’t know why this is something she needs to worry about.
I have my own house my own car a job full-time and have most of the time been good with my decisions. The ones that were bad I own up to and deal with.
My health is not perfect I have arthritis everywhere in my back my thumbs my shoulders and my knees especially. I’m in pain a lot but I still manage to get most of my shit done but there are days that I have pain and am exhausted from working.
One day a few weeks ago I ordered a curbside pickup from Walmart which included a rotisserie chicken.
When my friend found out I had rotisserie chicken for dinner from Walmart she asked me if I went inside the store to get it or if I got it curbside. I thought about lying about it because I knew what was coming next but I figured why should I lie? I told her I got a curbside and she freaked out and called me lazy.
At that point I was about done decided that I didn’t want to be her friend anymore.
She thinks she’s right but I don’t give a shit if she’s right or not I just don’t want to deal with her anymore.
Does that make me the AH?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I talk was that I quit being her friend and was I an asshole because I quit being her friend
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA No it does make you AH.
She has made you her punching bag.
Rotisserie chicken are nothing to be ashamed of, and since I only have a regular oven, those are often crunchier. She is clearly abusive. Good for you for finally cutting her off. NTA.
No, it doesn’t make you TA. It makes you someone who has found a practical solution to a problem you sometimes have. She has no business policing your car, or your shopping habits.
She would hate me. I have my stuff delivered directly to my house. Haven’t been inside a store since pre Covid. You listened to her too long. She is very unhappy with herself and unleashes her negativity in a constant barrage towards you. You have been her punching bag too long. Enjoy your peace. NTA.
NTA obviously. Curbside pickup is a service they offer. There is absolutely nothing wrong with using it, that’s what it’s there for.
NTA
But you are old enough yo know this person isn’t your friend. Cut them off and move on with your life.
How I wish you had told her Walmart delivered a live chicken and you had to kill it, pluck it, butcher it, and roast it.
One option is to limit interaction to “easily left” situations and start training her. Phone call, public places where you each did your own transport to arrive, or going to her house.
When she starts being insulting calmly state you understand she has an opinion, you’re aware of her judgement, and you don’t wish to discuss that particular issue further. If she persists, say “goodbye” and leave/hangup.
Be prepared to get up and walk out. You may have to leave mid meal. This is training. You must not allow an apology, even a sincere one, to change you leaving, though you can say “thank you for the apology , and I hope we can have a better visit next time”. She has to understand that phrase is a clear indicator she’s about to overstep a boundary and there will be consequences. If you back down, she just learns she can say what she likes then “apologize”.
At some point after she’s behaved, and you’ve allowed her in your car, it’s about guaranteed she’ll make a comment on the starter or something else. Use the same phrase “you’re entitled to your opinion, but I don’t wish to discuss this with you further”. If she persists, or switches to a different complaint, turn the car around, take her home, park, open the door and say “goodbye”.
It’s training. She’s decided you’re a safe target for her frustrations, invented or otherwise. You are not required to accept the bullying
You are allowed to love your life with your own decisions in peace. If she struggles with accepting your choices so much, she does not have to be a part of your life anymore.
NTA.
Someone who never shuts up about what they think you should do in every situation is an emotional leech. When you’ve reached the limit of what you can tolerate, then you absolutely can decide to end a friendship, because the reasons why someone ‘is the way they are’ only go so far.
Value your own peace of mind and health enough to respect your limits. Nobody deserves constant, or even habitual, criticism.
She sounds like an irritating bore.
However, you should consider utilising the function to cancel the automatic cut out of your starter. Yes, it is currently under warranty, but the continuous stop start action does wear out the components. It will most likely not happen during the warranty period, but it sure as hell will once you have to pay for it out of pocket.
heart attack, stroke, and deceased daughter, I’d be miserable too. It’s extremely sad but I agree that her personality has changed. She isn’t the friend you had anymore. And there is nothing you can do. I’d start limiting my time with her, she’s sucking the life out of you. It’s her cross to bear, she’s in a special club that no one wants to be in when a child dies. You are not the asshole for not wanting to be insulted every few minutes.
NTA for breaking up with your friend. She is a source of negativity in your life that you don’t need.
Remember you’re not breaking up with her over rotisserie chicken, but over the fact that she constantly criticizes you in a way that breaks down your self-esteem.
NTA, but I don’t agree that you should just cut her off as others have suggested. Her trauma doesn’t make it okay to treat you horribly, but she should be told that she will lose you if the behavior continues. I imagine it might be incentive for her to change after everything she’s already gone through.
Yeah your friend sounds like a loser. How about stfu about my groceries and get a life
If you can’t explain to her what the issue is, or if you have and she hasn’t listened, then the friendship is over. Maybe if you try training her as others suggested you may salvage it, but that could be a lot of stress on you too. Definitely NTA and good luck.