This has been eating at me, and I need an outside perspective. My parents divorced when I was 10 and my brother was 13. A year later, my dad started dating the woman who is now his wife. As kids, we didn’t really care much about our parents’ dating lives we were wrapped up in school and typical childhood things. When he introduced her to us, she seemed nice but distant. My mom was a flight attendant and picked up extra work after the divorce, which meant we spent more time with our dad and by extension, her.
About six months into dating, she moved in. She never mistreated us, but she was uninterested in being any kind of parental figure. My brother loved building computers and she didn’t care. I was a girly girl into nails and hair and she showed no interest. Conversations with her felt like I was annoying her. She didn’t cook, didn’t help with school pickups, didn’t seem to care to celebrate our birthdays she just coexisted. By the time I hit high school, I saw her more as a roommate than a stepmom.
There was one moment that really stuck with me. My dad and her had friends over. I overheard the couple talking about how glad they were to never have had kids, how expensive and annoying children were, and how they preferred their money and freedom. My dad gently pushed back, saying he loved having us, but she replied with something like, “Even if you did see them as a burden, you’d never say it out loud.” She laughed and agreed with her friends’ anti-kid stance. They joked about kids being ungrateful, expensive, needy, and leaving parents to die alone in nursing homes. I felt sick hearing that. It felt like they were ganging up on my dad, mocking his love for us, and I internalized that moment deeply.
After that, I pulled back emotionally. I stopped sharing things with my dad, and worried that maybe I was a burden. That moment truly shifted our dynamic, even if unintentionally. Now, as an adult, I see how hurt I was by her words and how I much of a burden I felt for both of them.
Fast forward to today: My dad and his wife are now in their mid 60s, both retired and dealing with health issues. Their two story home is becoming unmanageable. They want to sell it and find a single-story home, but with current housing prices and their finances, that’s hard to do.
Years ago, my husband and I built an in-law suite on our property. It’s private, on the other side of our land, fully equipped one bedroom apartment intended for one of my aging parents. We’re now building a second one in case my mom needs it someday. My dad recently asked if he and his wife could move into the in-law suite if they sell their house.
Here’s where I’m stuck: I want my dad to move in. He was always loving, responsible, and kind. He deserves a peaceful retirement. But I don’t want his wife to live here. I’ve been wrestling with this guilt because technically, it’s not just him anymore they’re a package deal. But she never acted like family. She never made an effort to connect, support, or care about us. She clearly hated children and parade herself so proud to be childfree. But now that she’s older and needs support, it’s like she’s benefiting from a relationship she never nurtured and me, a woman who was once a child that she seemed annoyed and burdened by.
She didn’t want kids, never acted like a stepmom, and made it clear she valued her freedom and money over a family. And now, I’m being asked to take her in. It feels unfair that she gets to benefit from something she never put an effort in and the stepkids she ignored.
My stepdad, on the other hand, was incredible. My mom met him when I was 12 and married him in less than a year. He also didn’t have children but was an amazing step dad. Everytime we were at my moms, he was always showing interest in anything we said. He asked my brother to show him how to build a computer, he bought all the parts and they built one together. I was constantly asking him to take me to my best friends house who lived 20 minutes away and not once did he seem annoyed or frustrated. One time my mom had grounded me for a weekend and I was super bummed out because my best friend was having a slumber party and I couldn’t go. Well, my step dad went to the store and got me a box of my favorite watermelon popsicles and a bag of hot Cheetos. I didn’t ask fr any of that but he knew I was crying about not going and he waited until my mom was in bed to knock on my door and give me those snacks. He said i deserved to be grounded for what I did but that I also deserved these snacks because I was a good kid. This is a core memory of mine and when my mom
And stepdad aren’t able to live alone anymore, I’ll be so happy to care for both of them. But not my step mom though.
My brother agrees with me. He understands why I don’t want her here and supports me in whatever I say. But I know if I tell my dad she’s not welcome, he won’t come either.
So… am I terrible for not wanting my dad’s childfree wife to move into the apartment I built for him?
Comments
You’re not terrible. It’s clear you’ve been hurt by your stepmom’s attitude and behavior, and it’s okay to set boundaries based on how you feel. You don’t owe her anything, especially when she hasn’t been there for you in the way you needed. You want to care for your dad, but it’s understandable that you’re not eager to support someone who didn’t show any interest in being a positive part of your life. Just be honest with your dad, but it might be tough. You deserve peace, too.
I wouldn’t have her come live there either. She’s not your problem. And I wouldn’t feel bad about it either. She made her own bed. She didn’t bother to bond with you so why go against yourself? And not to sound dreadful but what happens if they move in and something happens to your dad? What then? How would you get her out?
You are not terrible for not wanting to house the woman who was uninterested in you when you were growing up. Your property, you can do what you want.
And karma is finally biting his wife. She doesn’t want to be around his kids so now she doesn’t get to be.
I think you need to see that your stepmom never intended to be a stepmom. She always intended to be your father’s wife. Not everyone wants to have kids, which is fine, nor do they want to step in those shoes, especially when you had a mom. I’m not trying to say that she wasn’t great, she definitely could have tried to connect more, but I don’t think it’s fair to hold her to a standard that she didn’t want to meet. I think you had an expectation for her that wasn’t fair.
I think you need to have a conversation with your dad about how that hurt you, but I do think that there is a bit of resentment there that is not fully justified. I just worry that dont allow her to move in that it will create problems in your relationship with your father.
How are you not over these issues at your age? Grow up. You are almost 40 years old and acting like you’re still a teen. She is his wife. What are you going to do make him choose between staying there or his wife. Completely childish.
You’re not terrible. I think you need to be upfront with your dad, you’d love to care for him but unfortunately you are not willing to care for his wife as she never took the time to fill a loving role in your life. She is not your responsibility. Honestly, he will probably choose to not move in and stick with her.
You’re allowed to dislike her, or not welcome her into your (guest) home. But you have to understand that they are a package deal now. She is your dad’s wife, and he loves her as he love you. It’s really unlikely that he would live somewhere where she’s excluded.
I think that you might consider talking to a therapist with some experience around unpacking and managing childhood trauma. I’m not saying your feelings are unwarranted – I don’t think they are. But they are impacting your life now, and that warrants some effort in managing them. You don’t want a grudge from your youth to risk your relationship with your dad, however justified it may be.
Imo
“Am I terrible” is not a practical question, though. You don’t want her there. They are a package unit, so neither will come…?
So I think only you can decide what to do, but just remember that it’s your dad you care about. I doubt he’d be ok moving in without her since she’s his wife. I’d be inclined to let them because I love my dad, but I would tell her something that indicates that she’s only there because of him and set whatever boundaries you need to.
Good luck. Hard choice.
This is just my opinion, but I do think you will be unintentionally hurting your father. What is the likelihood he would ditch her to move in with you? If you say your stepmom can’t come, will he leave her? No probably not. So you need to decide whether you want your dad to live there at any cost or let him figure it out himself. If you do decide you want to ensure the safety and care for you aging father, then be sure to set clear boundaries. And honestly, I would require stepmom to apologize. Not for being child free as that is a respectable choice, but how she made you feel for it. Knowingly engaging in a relationship with a single father when you don’t want to be a mother. Making passive aggressive comments about being a burden especially during your developmental years. Let her know how much it shaped you as a person and you don’t blame her for not wanting kids but you expect an apology for how she treated you.