So, I (18F) am home for summer following my first years at college. It’s been kind of hellish dealing with my mother who refuses to treat me any different than a year ago. We’ve been clashing constantly. This fight is one of our biggest.
It starts of with our dishwasher breaking so washing all our dishes is now by hand. As a family of 3 who primarily cooks and doesn’t order out, we generate a lot of dirty dishes. I, despite despising washing dishes, have volunteered several times to do the washing so that she could have a break from it.
However, today I felt that she crossed a line. I had told her yesterday that I would be doing the washing in the morning as a lot had collected over two days with no one willing to do them. This morning, however, I woke up in a really shitty mood. My aircon wasn’t working properly, I wasn’t able to sleep, and I woke up really late, plus I was stressed about some work I had to do. She was aware of all of this.
An hour after I woke up, I had barely had breakfast and was still feeling groggy when she comes into my room and tells me to do the dishes now. I got really annoyed, especially as she phrased it as an order and not a request. I finally got fed up with the way she treats me and snapped that I’m not a dog, so don’t order me like one. She got mad and is now giving me the silent treatment and waiting for me to apologize, but I refuse to because I feel like I’m in the right.
AITA?
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So, I (18F) am home for summer following my first years at college. It’s been kind of hellish dealing with my mother who refuses to treat me any different than a year ago. We’ve been clashing constantly. This fight is one of our biggest.
It starts of with our dishwasher breaking so washing all our dishes is now by hand. As a family of 3 who primarily cooks and doesn’t order out, we generate a lot of dirty dishes. I, despite despising washing dishes, have volunteered several times to do the washing so that she could have a break from it.
However, today I felt that she crossed a line. I had told her yesterday that I would be doing the washing in the morning as a lot had collected over two days with no one willing to do them. This morning, however, I woke up in a really shitty mood. My aircon wasn’t working properly, I wasn’t able to sleep, and I woke up really late, plus I was stressed about some work I had to do. She was aware of all of this.
An hour after I woke up, I had barely had breakfast and was still feeling groggy when she comes into my room and tells me to do the dishes now. I got really annoyed, especially as she phrased it as an order and not a request. I finally got fed up with the way she treats me and snapped that I’m not a dog, so don’t order me like one. She got mad and is now giving me the silent treatment and waiting for me to apologize, but I refuse to because I feel like I’m in the right.
AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> snapped at my mom, but i might be the asshole as I made a big deal over a little issue
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. But do the dishes! because you said you would — not because she ordered you to.
NTA. Sorta typical family conflict. You need to be clear to her about the specific points you made in your current post.
You said you would do the dishes, so perhaps just do them?
It’s time to sit down and have an adult conversation between adults that sets some boundaries. Your mom (I speak from having a 21yo myself) still sees you as you were before college and she had not had you home during the school year so she’s probably just jumping back to what she knows. I would let her know that you didn’t mean to make her feel some kind of way but that the way she approached you- an adult- is not a way that will get you both what you want. I would also suggest coming up with a chore chart for ALL in the house. If things are just “left till someone gets it” then it will almost always go to the low man on the hill so be prepared if you don’t set up a routine that dishes will always fall to you. If that doesn’t work then start cooking regularly and when they ask when you’re doing the dishes simply say “I made dinner, the cook doesn’t clean right?” Hopefully you can find a balance with your situation 🫶
NTA. Pretty typical family stuff. BUT…procrastination (especially for household stuff) is a great catalyst for these types of issues. If everyone is going to be in a standoff waiting for someone else to do the work, it’s usually going to lead to more issues.
NTA but do the dishes but also communicate how you felt about her annoyed reaction
Who pays for your college? Do you have a summer job? You are living there rent free I assume. Do the freaking dishes every day. They should be done 3 times a day. I would be pissed if I went to cook everyone dinner and the dishes were dirty on the counter. Want to be treated like an adult? Then act like an adult. YTA
Are you paying rent? Are you helping with your living costs? If the answer is no then you are slightly ta. If you are living for free then you should be expected to do stuff around the house. Should she have barged into you bedroom no. But a little communication here would help.
YTA. You live there so you’re contributing to the dirtying of the dishes. You’re an adult so you get to clean up your living space. You don’t get to choose when you help. You do what’s needed. Your mom no longer has to cook and clean and do laundry and all those other things that you were doing for yourself while you were living elsewhere.
You realize that you’ve changed over the year away at university. The lives and living arrangements for your mom and whoever the 3rd person who lives there have changed, too. Their living arrangement was vastly different without you. It doesn’t just automatically go back to how it was before you left.
You said you would do the dishes in the moring. You didn’t say you would do the dishes if you were in a good mood when you woke up. On the flip side I don’t think your mother’s approach was the correct one regardless of your age.
I’ll say ESH. If someone tells you that they’re going to do something and they don’t do it then anyone would be rightfully annoyed. Please just do as you said you would. Your mother needs to learn better ways to communicate with people. Ordering people around is going to rightfully annoy anyone. I honestly think you both owe each other an apology. You were annoyed so didn’t do the dishes. She was annoyed so spoke harshly to you. Neither action is okay and neither of you acted maturely. The only question is who is going to be the bigger person and offer the first apology
INFO: You’re only doing dishes? Not paying rent, taking out trash, vacuuming or mopping the floors, watering the plants, tidying up communal spaces, doing laundry, buying or preparing food, taking care of pets?
YTA the dishes are there for two days and you said you’d do them. Do the dishes. You are part of a family that lives in that house. I’m guessing you don’t pay the mortgage or any other bills. You’re responsible for making the house running just as everyone else in that house. Doesn’t matter your age you live there you help. Grow up.
YTA – you said you would do the dishes, she’s not wrong for expecting you to follow through on your promise. People go to work sleep deprived, sweaty and overheated all the time – your mother has probably done it before as well. Being “tired” or “too hot” isn’t an excuse not to do a household chore that is everyone’s responsibility.
I think it’s fair to be frustrated but there could have been a better way to handle it. Maybe say “I am planning on doing the dishes but I need some time this morning first because I’m really stressed”. Perhaps you could apologize to her for snapping but explain that you needed space and politely request that she be a bit more understanding since you were planning to do it.
Info: what else do you do in the household? Are you the only one who washes the dishes? Do you help cooking, cleaning or paying for things?
It really sounds to me like you only do the dishes sometimes and nothing else. Being in bad mood is not a reason to procrastinate / push the stuff you have to do. If you want to be treated like an adult, behave like an adult first.