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As the title says i need advice basically ill keep this as short as possible but before me and my partner even knew each other 4 years ago i must add. She was seeing this dude for a few months but he moved to another country for work and that kind of ended what they had. When we got together he came up in conversation a few times I got the impression she was big into him by things she said. Anyways about 6 months into our relationship he messaged her basically asking to meet up (hook up) as he was in town visiting family and to her credit she told him no. I saw the messages she never actually told me he messaged until I saw them but as I said when I read them it was her rejecting him. So I kinda just said in future be honest though you didn’t do anything wrong but kinda felt like you were hiding that he’d messaged we didnt argue about it i was cool she was cool that was the end of it. Fast forward 3 years weve had a great relationship bought a house together had a baby been in love with each other it was amazing.
After the baby, things have gone a bit sour truth be told no more I love yous not much sex, shes always angry and ive kinda felt a lot resentment. Initially put it down to hormones etc after time I began feeling like maybe it was something more so I went through her phone (yes I know its wrong and an invasion of privacy) messages clean nothing bad looked on her Facebook search history and saw she’d been looking up a women ill call her “Claire jones” (fake name) and other jones’ so I’m thinking hang on her ex is called “Mike jones” again fake name but I knew due to his job he had no social media so I figured she was stalking his family members to see him so I check her google history, search his name as a key word and see shes been looking at photos of him through his companys website etc. Broke my heart was upset for weeks never said anything to her as I felt I shouldn’t of been going through he phone. Spoke to my sister about it she convinced me its probably not that deep and she was probably just curious so I decided to just try and forget about it and move on.
3 or 4 months later to present day ive checked her google history again and shes done it again looked at his photos despite already seeing them last time so clearly not just curious shes even searched “can i retrieve blocked messages” from him, im not sure what that means presuming she’d blocked him and wanted to see if he’d been messaging her i how I interpreted it im so angry and sad im not sure what to do now do I confront her tell her ive been on her phone? Or Am I overthinking it shes not messaged him or rang him ive checked everything else all clean shes only looked him up but I honestly feel like just ending the relationship im that fed up now if we didnt have a baby and a house I would already i dont want to throw all that away but im not going to be second best to some fling she had 4 or 5 years ago!! any advice?
Thank you
TL;DR My 29m Gf 38f of 4 years keeps google searching her ex do I confront her?
Comments
I think you should be honest about going through her phone and have a deep discussion of why she is concerned about him, . Sometimes it can be because of curiosity and you never know until you ask rather than living in a state of stress and worry. it is a hard conversation to address, but being vulnerable and open to your partner is the best way to strengthen a relationship. I have lurked on my exes page but just to see how he’s doing and so has my boyfriend and I have felt insecure about it and talked to him. If they really care they’ll stop and be honest about why.
OP so the short answer is you need to sit her down and talk about it. She is likely fantasizing about him as the one that got away along with cherishing for simpler times when being a mom and paying bills wasn’t as big a thing. Fantasy gets too many people in trouble. It is also likely why the sex has dropped and the irritability has risen. In her mind she has put all of her frustration and so forth on you because you are the symbol of the changes. To fix it starts with being transparent and talking it out…not arguing, not blaming…talking.