Basically what it says… I (37F) have decided to divorce my husband (48M) due to many years of emotional abandonment and, most importantly, technically-legal but undesirable substance use that I don’t want around our children (the breaking point). I finally more or less have a plan for leaving, HOWEVER I don’t know how to break it to him because he has severe depression and schizophrenia and I’m about 98% certain he’ll attempt suicide. His parents are in the area so I’m hoping he’ll have some support there but I don’t know how much. Honestly this situation just sucks in a myriad of ways. I hope you guys can help because I don’t really know where else to turn.
To clarify, he takes medication for his mental illnesses but often doesn’t take them as prescribed and refuses other forms of therapy. My decision has been many years in the making, so please don’t think I’m just abandoning him in his hour of need on a whim. I care about him very much but my responsibility is for my children and this has begun to affect them as well.
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You’re doing the right thing. I would suggest planning this talk with his parents if possible. If that’s not possible because they refuse, you will need an attorney anyways and I’m certain that you can find one who has experience with this and can guide you. He’s on medication so talking with his doctor would be helpful and important. Out of everyone, his doctor must know and will hopefully be helpful in guiding you. I’m sorry that you are in this situation but you don’t have a choice because you have children and you’re a great parent.
All you can do is try to set him up for success, because you care about him -talking to his parents to give them a heads up he will require more support; ensuring he has his medication available in the house etc.
Once you make leave, whatever happens after that is NOT YOUR FAULT. It sounds like you have taken a lot of time to think and are doing your due diligence to mitigate upset to your (ex) husband. That’s all that’s within your power to do.
If he commits suicide that’s his own choice. You deserve to get away and have your own peaceful life and kids don’t need to be raised around that.
Do you have a therapist? An attorney?
I know it’s easy to say and hard to do, but you tell him firmly, but kindly, don’t engage in J.A.D.E. (Justify, argue, defend, explain) and be done. The choices he makes after that are not yours. They aren’t your fault, they aren’t because of anything you did or did not do.
If you want, it would be fine to alert his parents ahead of time.
Do you have a solid plan? Ideally, send the kids elsewhere overnight/for the weekend so that they aren’t present for any fallout. If you are moving out, have that lined up and ready to go. Like, “This relationship isn’t healthy, I’ve done everything I can do, and for my own health and safety, and that of the children, I am filing for divorce” and then open the door to the movers.
If you need him to leave, that’s harder, you generally can’t force him out unless you can get a restraining order, or the court to order it as part of you separation/divorce (which won’t be the day you tell him).
I strongly suggest being ready to physically separate as soon as you tell him. Make sure you have a place to go, do not try to cohabitate after you’ve told him you’re leaving.
Just tell him, and call for an involuntary psych hold if expresses suicidal ideation
Have his family there when you tell him