I (34M) have been in a long-distance relationship with my girlfriend (29F) for about six months. She’s truly wonderful—caring, kind, and I really enjoy spending time with her and going out. We initially met online when I was in Australia for three months, and once I returned to Europe, we met in person. Since then, we’ve been visiting each other regularly between Germany and France. I’ve also met her parents.
We’ve been physically intimate many times. She has a lot of kinks in the bedroom, which makes me think she may have had quite a few sexual experiences in the past. (I should admit that I’ve started to enjoy these kinks myself after trying them a few times.) When I asked about her past, she responded that she “has a past with sex.” When I tried to find out more, she refused to share details, saying that “the past should stay in the past.”
I feel that she might have more experience than I’m comfortable with and that she’s hesitant to be open about it out of fear of rejection. At the same time, I’m scared of discovering the full truth, as it could change how I see her and potentially harm our relationship. I should also mention that I haven’t had that many experiences for my age.
Her reluctance to be open about her past is causing me significant anxiety and trouble sleeping. I really like her and see a future with her, so I don’t want to jeopardize what we have. We both come from cultures where extramarital sex is considered taboo, even though we’re both quite liberal and don’t see it that way. I wouldn’t mind if she had been in a few previous relationships, but I’m worried about discovering she’s been more promiscuous than I’d be comfortable with.
I’m not seeking judgment—just genuinely interested in advice from those with more experience on how to handle this in a healthy manner. Am I overthinking it? Should I really try to confront this, or is it just causing unnecessary stress? It’s been really bothering me.
tl;dr: Long-distance relationship between me (34M) with a wonderful girl (29F); unsure about her sexual past and feeling anxious about whether to ask more or just let it go. Worried it might hurt us. Would appreciate advice on how to handle this healthily.
Comments
Ok, so let’s just assume she’s had a lot of sex with a lot of people in the past.
So what? What bothers you about it? How does that affect you or your relationship?
Why would you want to know about someone’s past? How will it benefit your relationship right now? What is the right number of people she could have slept with for you to allow her to be in this relationship with you? What sexual stuff would be considered crossing the line? And let’s say you find all this out, would you not be with her because of this?
You throw around words like liberal and being open, but sometimes you need to accept the fact that you are not these things. Because it will allow you to really consider what type of relationships are acceptable for you from the start and be decisive about whether you would ask these questions right away or not. Because you pretend to be open and liberal, you are throwing yourself in these situations. I am not judging you, but I am letting you know that not being comfortable with anything and everything and wanting to dig into someone’s past to see who is more promiscuous is what you will reach every time when you are not honest and accepting about your views.