I (30F) and my husband (31M) have been together for 10 years and got married 3 years ago. We started dating in college when I was 20. I had incredibly low self esteem and the start of our relationship was pretty codependent. I got really depressed and anxious, and didn’t understand why he liked me. I liked him enough, but I wasn’t sure if I really liked him in the same way that he liked me. We broke up once, after I graduated college, but it only lasted 3 months. I initiated the break up. A few other times after that I tried to break up with him but immediately regretted it and we stayed together.
I was always unsure about our relationship. But I ended up telling him I was ready to commit, after getting into a university for grad school in a different state. Initially I thought it would be a good opportunity to break up, but then we visited and I became very afraid of moving to a new place where I knew no one. So I chose to marry him partly out of fear.
Now, I want to get a divorce, because I’m not in love with him. I love him, and I’m extremely fond of him, but there are some differences between us compatibility wise that have always been there. I don’t feel like he is my home. I feel like his presence is very comfortable, but I don’t feel known or seen by him. I never once got butterflies around him. I’m not attracted to him. And I want those things in a life partner. I’m afraid if I stay and have kids (we both want kids), then I’ll just remain unhappy and potentially build resentment. And then also if we got divorced, we’d be in each other’s lives forever, caring for a kid/kids.
The thing is, divorce is pretty stigmatized in both of our families. And I’m scared to tell him. I’m scared of letting go of comfort, stability, security, being loved and cared for by someone else. I just don’t think what we have is long term sustainable. We’re in couples counseling and I’ve voiced a lot of this to him, but I think we’re both a bit in denial over it. We own a home together, and he’s currently unemployed and depends on me financially.
Any advice or words of wisdom getting over my fear and doing this would be much appreciated. How do I get over my fears?
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Talk to your counselor about it separately.
There’s nothing more beautiful or satisfying than being a single woman. And I say that as a woman who is in a happy relationship with a man. I do believe that there’s nothing more important for us, than to take the time to find ourselves. You can either stay and live a simple and probably happy life (or not). Or you can leave, which will probably be really painful at times and you’ll question your decision maybe even hate yourself for it. You will miss him and it will be deeply uncomfortable to live without him for a period. But you have the opportunity to explore how you interact with yourself and the world as just yourself. Which for me, was the most exciting and gratifying experience of my life. Ultimately there are millions of people you could be happy with, have a happy life with. Humans are hardwired to be compatible with other humans. Ask yourself if you continue to stay out of fear of losing him, or fear of not finding someone to replace him. It’s also, plainly, unfair to let him stay with a woman who is not excited by him.
Ask yourself if you heard him say this about you, If you’d feel like the relationship should be over. If the answer is yes. I think you know.
You think your feelings might change once he’s employed and you aren’t supporting him? That’s a turn off if someone can’t be a stable partner and an equal.
The longer you wait the harder it’s going to be. Go see a lawyer first then have a plan to sleep in separate rooms after you deliver the news expect that it’s not going to be received well and that you’ll probably end up having to move out and sell the house
If you TRULY care for him as you say you do, let the poor man go. Everytime you’ve chosen to move forward with him has been for purely selfish reasons and you are doing him a disservice. He deserves someone who wants to be with him for HIM, not for safety/ convenience/ comfort/ etc.
You deserve that too.
I just cannot help but read this and this what if a man had said this about his wife. I feel like people would be saying let her go you are using her. My opinion and you may not like it is cut the shit. Let him go find someone that will actually love him.
It feels like it’s taken you 10 years to make this decision.
Do it gradually. Start sleeping in a different room. Eventually move out. See if you miss him or if you enjoy being alone more. No man is going to be your perfect “everything” you need 5 different people for that workload. There are not a lot of good men out there so keep that in mind. You’ve been with him for 10 years. Dating has changed a lot.
If your husband is depending on you financially you might have to pay him alimony in the divorce. This is why I wont’ marry my boyfriend.