My boyfriend 35M and I 31F have been together for 3 years, living together for one. We’ve been friends since high school, so there’s a long history between us.
Over the weekend we went camping with friends, and two things happened that really shook me. First, we were setting up a bug net together. He had been drinking and suddenly started taking it down. I assumed he was adjusting it, so I helped remove a part that was stuck. I saw him putting it in the bag so I asked what he was doing. Then he snapped, “You took it down, so we’re not using it.” I was confused and said, “Wait, I thought you were taking it down, I was just helping.” He got snippy, handed it to me, and said “Whatever,” so I quietly put it back up.
Later, I was starting a fire to cook and casually asked a friend to grab me a stick to move some logs. Out of nowhere, my boyfriend jumps in and says, “I’m no idiot, but here,” then starts aggressively messing with the fire using an axe. He turned to me and said, “This is the hot part of the fire, this is the cooler part. You fucking got that?”
I was stunned. “You fucking got that?” I just stood there silently. When my friend returned with the stick, my boyfriend started loudly saying that I talk to him like he’s an idiot. At that point, I told my friend exactly what he said to me, with him standing right there. He tried to defend himself, I told him to shut up, and he stormed off to take a nap in the car.
Later he came back to camp and ignored me completely, talked to everyone else, not a word to me until we got home the next day. (We drove separately) Then he said, “Sorry I lost my temper.” I took a shower and when I got out of the shower, he said “we should have a talk” then proceeded to say how I am so mean to HIM.
It led to an argument. He said he was drunk and anxious all day and regretted saying that as soon as it came out of his mouth. I brought up how this is a pattern, he lashes out, minimizes it, or tries gaslighting me into believing I behaved the way he did and not him, and apologizes vaguely. He said he’d stop drinking again and wants to fix things, but I don’t know if I believe that anymore. He’s said it before.
I feel humiliated, confused, and emotionally exhausted. I’m trying to do better at not just cutting everyone out of my life when things go wrong. Has anyone been in a relationship like this? Did it get better, or did you leave?
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Yes, I have. It never, ever gets better and it always gets much worse. After you leave, you will only wonder why it took you so long. I wish you much strength.
>I brought up how this is a pattern, he lashes out, minimizes it, or tries gaslighting me into believing I behaved the way he did and not him, and apologizes vaguely.
Picture the person you love most in the world telling you their partner does this to them. Ask yourself what you’d tell that person.
I would absolutely leave. You don’t deserve to be treated this way and I would imagine it is only going to get worse as he tests your boundaries and wears you down.
You might find it useful to read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, found here: https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Use those scissors one more time Sis
Do you want more of that?
It will only get worse – he knows he can treat you horribly, belittle you in front of others, and tell you you’re stupid, and you’ll forgive him if he snivels and promises to change. But he’s proven again and again he won’t change, it’s just a manipulation tactic. He likes treating you badly because he doesn’t respect you. He just thinks he has you trapped now that you live together. This is absolutely a case where you should respect and love yourself enough to leave.
It never gets better but the fun part is you can leave.
Couple therapy please or individual so u know when to walk away
It’s emotional.abuse to give someone the silent treatment.
It’s a manipulation tactic he’s using to make you feel bad so you apologize or think you did something wrong.
You’re not over reacting. You need to leave. Especially if this isn’t a one off
Can you picture yourselves in 15 years with him still snapping, then gaslighting you, except now you have two kids that he is slapping when they annoy him? Protect your heart. He is standing in the way of you finding the one who will cherish you.
If one of my friends spoke to their partner that way, I wouldn’t be friends with them anymore. You seem to know that he is in the habit of taking his mood out on you. That means he is a ticking time bomb. It doesn’t matter how careful or perfectly you behave and speak. If he doesn’t feel good or is cranky or “anxious”? You are going to be yelled at and insulted. Is that how you want to live? Do you see him doing it to anyone else in his life? Because I’m guessing right now, it’s mostly or only you who is on the receiving end and that’s because he is choosing to do it while assuming you won’t leave.
break up. it’s a pattern. his internal voice or thoughts see you as the enemy, not as his equal.
get out while you’re safe
He’s showing you who he is. Believe him. This won’t get better unless he commits to real change (therapy, sobriety, accountability). You deserve respect, not drunken tantrums and gaslighting.
I would advise you cut your losses and get out before 3 years turns into 20. He’s a mean drunk. Also, he escalates and some day it may become physical. The red flags are flying, please pay attention.