First reddit post need some real advice.
I have no one else to talk to about this.
I 26F have been dating my boyfriend 30M for 2 years now and for the most part things are great and I love him deeply. We were planning on moving in together in a few months. Something just happened that is giving me chronic ick. A few years before we started dating (imma say 5-6 years ago), he was very very close friends with my sister 28F, thats how I met him in the first place. They fell off as friends and him and I crossed paths again a few years later and then we started seeing eachother. Before we even had our first kiss, I asked him straight up if he ever did anything physically with my sister. Again, they were really close friends so It was really an out of pocket question. His response was basically “we kissed one time years ago while very very very drunk at the bar. It was literally nothing, we both kissed multiple people at the bar that night.” And I was more or less ok with that answer. I also asked my sister the same question and she gave more or less the same answer, I felt as though that was sufficient reassurance for me to decide to move forward in dating him.
Last night however, we were out at the bar drinking with some friends and my cousin. My cousin said something about my boyfriend and sister “being together” before we were. My sister brought him to some outings long time ago in what i thought was ‘as friends’, so my cousin remembers him from then. I slept on it but when i woke up I couldn’t get my cousins words from the bar out of my head so I brought it up to him and basically started questioning him. I asked him if what he told me in regards to them kissing in the beginning of our relationship was 100 % true and he then admitted that it was not. They apparently also actually kissed on a few other occasions while sober. I didn’t ask too many details because I honestly already felt nauseous just hearing that. I feel most hurt by the fact that they BOTH lied its mad weird and makes it so much worse. He was upfront when I asked him why he lied, he said “its because i didn’t want to lose you, I wanted to date you so bad I know that if I told you that you would have walked away” and hes probably right about that.
I feel really awful. On one hand it feels irrational to be this upset about a lie that he told 2 years ago and it feels irrational to feel weird about a fling that happened like 5-6 years ago. But on the other hand idk how i can feel better about it. What if they did more than that and they’re still lying? I haven’t confronted my sister yet and idk if I should or if its even worth it. Again, my boyfriend and i are supposed to move in together in a few months and now im questioning everything. I’ve been let down so much in past relationships and this is deja vu. HELP how do I move past this?
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You don’t move past it. I’m sorry, but you don’t. My family is broken because both of my sisters went with the same guy and had kids by him… That man, whether you like it or not, was your sisters FWB a very long time ago and they have both moved past it and don’t want to bring it up again and relive it. That is why they are lying about things. They don’t want to hurt you or make you think more is going on between them, when they used to just fool around years ago when they’d get drunk and live a wild lifestyle together. They were close best friends, and people have pasts. There is a very high possibility they’ve had sex, and it’s a hard pill to swallow but one you’ll need to swallow regardless. I am sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s a HUGE ick, I know. I wouldn’t want to date someone knowing they’ve touched up and kissed my own sister. Hell, I wouldn’t even like dating someone if it happened to my own best friend in the past. Yes, the past is the past, but the whole point of dating is to marry them and have kids and spend the rest of your life with them. Will you be comfortable making a life with someone who has possibly slept with your sister in the past or at the very least passionately made out with her on multiple occassions and originally lied about it to spare your feelings and not to lose you? It’s up to you what you can deal with, but I would personally walk away and date someone who isn’t connected to your family at all.
Even IF they did more than kiss , it was before you started dating. It might not have even meant enough to either of them to remember it, much less mention it. If you’re both happy now, then be together and build a life together. If you think there is something between them now, then get that out of the way and talk to them together. Calmly.
Don’t sabotage your relationship because YOU can’t move past the past that happened before you and he were together. Have an adult conversation.
You can’t trust him. He has been lying to you for 2 years. He did this on purpose for selfish reasons. You have every right not to be with someone based on your boundaries. He wanted you, so he lied to get you.
Major ick.
Don’t move in. If he was willing to lie about this, what else could he be hiding or will hide in the future to “keep you.”
First of all, you all should sit down a have a heart to heart conversation about what’s bothering you because if you move in together without resolving this, it will make things worse. You might not like what you hear about his past with your sister but you do want to know the truth. Make sure you can cope with the answers emotionally or else it will gnaw at you