I’ve (38F) been married to my husband (41M) for just over a year and I gave birth to our baby in the winter. I think we need to divorce to protect our child (and to save my mental health) but I’m worried about how separation/divorce will affect our child. I’m also worried about our child seeing how my husband treats me and thinking it is okay. I also just don’t know if this is all normal, early-in-the-marriage-with-a-small-child stuff.
So just for context, while we were dating (which was for like 1.5 years before marriage, and we had been friends for almost 10 years before that), I noticed that he would get texts from girls quite often, especially one or two girls. I asked about them, and he would tell me Girl 1 is a co-worker who is weird and has no friends so he talks to her but it’s nothing, and Girl 2 is a graduate student he mentors. If I asked further about why they text so often or why Girl 1 called at 2 am once, he would tell me I’m paranoid and insecure.
We got engaged and then I got pregnant shortly thereafter. We were actively trying to conceive and got very lucky in terms of not having to try for a long time. Not long after I became pregnant, my husband became very mean. We decided that we needed to move out of the city to a bigger house in the suburbs and he gave me ALL of that responsibility with zero help. He did absolutely none of the work, no searching online, no research, no house visits or tours. He was constantly pressuring me and hounding me with questions to make sure I was putting in enough effort, telling me to hurry to find one before the baby comes. Once we found one we both liked, again, everything was my responsibility to get it done, even though I was pregnant, feeling sick all the time, and working full time.
After we bought the house, it got even worse because our deal was that he would put down the down payment for the house and I would buy all of the furniture/furnishings, and then we’d split the mortgage payment 50/50. Well, as soon as we got the house, he was hammering me with questions every day about what furniture I was ordering, and if I didn’t order something when he told me to, he would go ballistic. He also wouldn’t tolerate temporary furniture. I ordered a nice bed from Pottery Barn but it was going to take a couple months for delivery, so I bought a cheap metal bed frame from Walmart until it arrived, but he refused to move into the house with temporary furniture. Throughout this whole process, if I didn’t do something immediately the way he wanted, he called me a liar and told me I failed to hold up my side of the bargain (the down payment-furniture bargain).
When I was 8 months pregnant, I painted the nursery by myself. He didn’t help me pick out the color, get the paint, or get the job done… he did nothing.
One night, when I was 9 months pregnant, I was putting up Christmas lights out front by myself in the cold. He was very rude that night and focusing on his phone, ignoring me. I asked him to come look at them when I finished. He said “are they multicolor?” I said yes, and he said he’s not looking because he hates multicolor. When he got up to go somewhere, I grabbed his phone and looked at the screen. It was a text from Girl 2 saying something like, “I just really don’t like you like that.”
Fast forward to the next morning, I confront him, he gives me his phone to go through. I find that while I was hanging Christmas lights, he was texting this girl to ask if she liked rim jobs. I go back even further in the phone and see that he’s been flirting with her pretty much our entire relationship, and same with Girl 1. Girl 1 lives closer, so they even went out to dinner a few times while I lived with him. I also see messages with her just a few months before we got engaged about how they have phone sex but she never wants to do anything in person.
So, when I see all this, I want a divorce. But I had our baby a few days later and it’s just been too hard to even think about that while taking care of a newborn. Now that I’m recovering more and our baby is a little older, I’m back to thinking about divorce, especially since his cruelty has not stopped. I’m no longer attracted to him and I actually find him repulsive now. I’m just so scared that divorce will hurt my child in a serious way. Somewhere along the way, I internalized this message that divorce produces damaged kids. I know this is false because at least two of my best friends are kids of divorce and they are highly functional adults and I love them. I guess I am just wondering if it is time to leave? Would I be doing more harm to my baby by staying in a loveless marriage with a lot of conflict? My baby is so beautiful and wonderful, I’m just heartbroken for him over this choice I have to make. Thanks for reading this many words!
Oh, I should mention that we tried couples counseling shortly after baby was born. My husband doesn’t “believe” in therapy so it wasn’t a great experience. He didn’t do any of the things the therapist asked us to do. And he used information that I shared in therapy as a weapon against me later. Also I had to pay for all of the sessions myself.
Comments
All I can say is you have one life to live no need being in a marriage that’s not making you happy
Grab your purse, Martha!
We’re leavin’!
You already know the answer, so let this stranger confirm that divorce and protecting yourself and your child from this cruel man is definitely the right move.
Yes, leave. When your baby gets older, he will eventually become the target of your husband’s rage. And even if he doesn’t, he will learn that that’s how you treat women.
Children need a stable, loving home. If one parent is never going to let that happen, that parent needs limited time with the child.
Therapy as a weapon is a common manipulation tactic for abusers. And this guy is a textbook emotional abuser. He’s cruel and will get worse since he thinks he has you trapped with a baby, and sinking your money into furniture. Is your name on the mortgage?
I’m so sorry you’re in this horrible situation. No discussions or therapy or reasonable expectations will stop an abuser, the only fix here is to get yourself and your child out. Record all instances of cruelty or abuse with dates and times so you can use them in court if there’s a legal custody battle. Protecting yourself and your child from emotional abuse should definitely be your top priority, neither of you deserve to be around a conscienceless man like this.
Your child won’t remember you two together at this point and their norm will be a co-parenting situation until someone remarries. I would say leave as soon as you can. Children do better with happy co-parents than miserable married ones. I know its scary and overwhelming but go now. You and you child will be better for it.
Oh dear, I’m sorry. He got you committed to the fake him. He’s showing his True colors now because he thinks he’s got you trapped.
Your child will grow up just fine as long as you are honest (age appropriate) and open with them. Make sure that they know that they are loved and that they did nothing to cause this.
Good luck.
So many red flags before you got married. I can see why you tried to make it work while pregnant but this guy just doubled down on the awful, didn’t he? Don’t worry about divorce affecting your kid. Kid will be too young to feel it. What you don’t want is your child watching their father continuously demean their mother.
I’m sorry OP. This is the last thing you thought you’d have to deal with. Find yourself a lawyer, get your ducks in a row and then file. Good luck.
take all the furniture with you
You are not insane. You seem very rational.
Based on what you said, you have put forth a valiant effort and should:
Take a moment and make sure you are being honest with yourself. Presuming you are proceed ti the next step.
Stop trying to fix this.
Talk to a therapist for yourself. Cheating like this is likely to leave a mark. I know.
Talk to a lawyer.
Work on your support network.
Dump all of your remaining energy into your awesome kid.
There are a million people that would love to know you. I am sure. In a few months or years, you will find a few of them to be deserving and trustworthy.
Good luck.
Edit. PS. Start documenting this shit…as covertly as you can. Save copies of evidence outside your home.
You already know the baby will be more damaged growing up thinking this is love, and this is normal.
No this is not normal, unfortunately your husband doesn’t love you, uses you and think he can torment you now you have a baby and are unlikely to leave. It’s going to get allot worse trust me. Plus he is cheating and gaslighting you. Leave now you still can with limited damage. You do not want your kid to grow up and think this behavior is normal.
Oh honey, I’m so sorry you’re having to live like this. You don’t deserve it. Definitely, get out of this situation as soon as possible. Your child will grow up much happier out of this situation. Children don’t want to live in a broken home. As your child gets older, he/she will hear what your husband says to you and feel how it hurts you. Right now, they’re too little to know or remember what’s going on. Protect yourself and your baby and walk away from this.
Who writes the stories?
You’re still there? Run and run fast. This man is an idiot who has B no clue how to treat women. He’ll teach your son how to treat women the same way he does if you stay.
I’m sorry you’ve got a baby and gotta deal with this but you’re a single mom anyway.
You don’t deserve this cruelty and neither does your child. God only knows how he’ll treat him. He’s just an a** from what you’ve said.
Great job you two. Enjoy ruining your child’s life… So damn common these days it’s not funny.
Now is actually the best time. I have a friend who divorced her husband when her son was 2. He’s now 19. I asked her a few years ago how the divorce affected her son. Her response was “not much at all.” He was so young that that was all he knew. Thankfully she and her ex co-parented well
Leave. You know what to do. It’s only going to get worse. He doesn’t even like you. He boldly showed you he was cheating and is betting you’re so pathetic you won’t leave. Oh and when you do file he’s either going to go ballistic or love bomb you. Probably both. If you show a man you’ll stay through anything he’ll put you through everything. Divorce and focus on your child hon. It’s going to be drawn out I bet but you got this! You’re strong and brave for even taking these few steps. Get a lawyer and get your sanity back!
There is a cost to divorce. But there is absolutely a higher price to pay if you stay in this marriage.
Your husband sounds terrible. I’m not sure how you’ve made it this far with him.
RUN…don’t walk Away..far far away!
You knew he was messaging other women from the beginning of the relationship and, when you asked about it, he got defensive and gaslit you. So, you immediately married him and had a baby?
Girl…
This is so outrageous I’m inclined to think this is karma fishing, or whatever they call it. In case this is real, please know that I’m almost always in the “please try and make it work, go to couples therapy” camp and not the reflexively “leave him, girl” camp.
Leave him, girl. Right now.
i was raised by a single mom and loved it. we were like irl gilmore girls. i had unlimited undivided attention from her. money was tight but we were never hungry & i learned to really hustle for my own opportunities. my dad is a creep and the best thing he ever did was peace tf out after my mom left him.
ETA my parents split when i was 4ish and i literally never liked that guy. my mom says i asked about him once when he disappeared but other than that, i never missed him, never cried for him, and didn’t even rly feel abandoned by him because i preferred him gone lol
The longer you leave it the harder it will get. Right now your baby won’t really notice dad isn’t around very much. Better to grow up with that than have it happen later. This relationship is awful and you need to get out.
You married a bully and you let him order you around; for the sake of yourself and your child you need to divorce him immediately. There’s no therapy that’s going to change this cheater and abuser.
You have been mentally abused, you’ve been emotionally abused, you’ve been cheated on, and it sounds financially abusive too. There is absolutely nothing that you should want to say from this disastrous marriage.
You are very right staying in the situation is bad for your child and bad for you.
You will need a good divorce lawyer immediately. You will find that many consultations are free, if you think you can afford a lawyer they will be other alternatives you can explore but take that first consultation. You need a therapist and you must get assertiveness training. If somebody tried to order me around that I had to do all the work about moving house if I was in a marriage, I would just say no to him, and yet you went along with it. This is because you have possibly been trained that women obey men, it’s possibly because you have problems standing up for yourself, or low self-esteem. A therapist and assertiveness training is going to benefit you so much.
Once you take these huge steps especially when you start the divorce you are going to start seeing how much better your life is absolutely going to be. You can and must do it; the fact you’re here means you’re ready to do it. Wishing you well and please update us.
I think living with a mother who is constantly abused by their father is much more damaging to a child than going through a divorce. Especially since your child is a baby so they’re not going to be upset about it they won’t even know what’s going on. Please do not continue to put up with this man’s abuse from the sounds of it he doesn’t even like you.
Get rid of this jerk!
Watching their mom get abused like this is WAY more damaging than living separately an having a peaceful home and a mother who’s not sad or stressed out all the time.
I’m guessing you have to walk on eggshells. Your baby can feel that energy and develop their own anxiety.
Make a log of everything you do. It will be helpful in courts when dealing with custody. He will threaten full custody. Have the proof that he does nothing and you do everything.
Let me tell you something that you may not be aware of. You mentioned your baby is a male. I believe. Children usually grow up emulating their same sex parent. If you want to raise your child to be like your husband, then stay. If you want to do better, then get yourself in therapy and find a way out. Protect your baby. Your husband is abusing you whether you realize it or not. He’s not a nice man. You want your son to have a better chance. Best of luck to you. And congratulations on the birth of your baby. Take care of YOU!!! And baby
OP, I would be shocked if he directed your child badly in the future. Please get out asap, this asshat is an emotionaly abusive, actively trying to cheat POS. Do not let him put your child through that, I promise you a divorce will be a far better situation. I wish you all the luck in the world, run far and fast, and protect your baby from that bozo.
Time to leave. It will hurt for awhile, but be strong for yourself and be strong for your baby. Your baby is just a few months old, so be glad your child won’t be constantly exposed to a bad example and negative emotions that will affect their development. Quietly gather all your financial data together and take to your lawyer, and set aside some money in a personal account . Get your support network lined up, and when you leave, have him contact you through a lawyer and change all your passwords. Good luck on your path, OP.
I don’t think I’ve ever read one of these where at the end I thought, this husband is fine! OP is being ridiculous. Husband is always horrible.
Divorce would absolutely be the best thing for you and your child under these circumstances. I grew up in a household like you described. My siblings and I all had trouble with relationships because we grew up in such a toxic household. Your child will see and absorb all the negativity in the home. Growing up in a home with a single loving parent beats a two parent household that’s like a battlefield. You and your child will be fine without your husband cruel indifference.
I am so sorry that he played you so badly. You know you have to leave. First thing in the morning, get a lawyer with a rep for being a mean bastard.
Please, for you and your baby’s safety, do not let him know you are leaving until you are gone and someplace safe. Leaving is the most dangerous time for a victim. I can’t stress this enough. If you can, work with a dv office. If not, google how to leave safely and what you need to take. Let EVERYONE you know the truth. This is not your shame but his.
You are a strong, intelligent woman. You can do this.
It is not divorce that is bad for children — it is it is their parents both being miserable, constant fighting, and abuse towards either each other and or the child. It just so happens that all of those things usually happen a lot more up to and during a divorce, and the kid feeling torn between each parent or being forced to take sides.
Your child is only a few months old, and has not even started forming memories yet. If you leave now it won’t remember the divorce, it won’t remember the conflict, the yelling, the abuse etc. At all. It will grow up with two already separated parents who can hopefully coparent them with mush less conflict and stress and arguing than if they were together.
Leave now and work on healing yourself, doing therapy, being in a healthy and happy state of mind for your child, as it will be much better off than being with two unhappy and fighting parents. It will have no memory of a life other than that, so it won’t be a big deal.
The other big deal about parents getting divorced is that you knew them before the divorce, happy together, and then the split and change of what they have always known is what can make a child feel like their world has been upended. If you child doesn’t even remember you being together OR the divorce itself it will never feel like it’s world had been turned upside down because you being divorced will be normal, as it will be the only world it has ever known.
MUCH better to get the divorce over with and finalized and get yourself situated now before your child starts forming memories at 2-3.
Your husband sounds at the very least, emotionally abusive and that is much more traumatizing to a child than growing up with parents who have always been divorced. Please read Why Does He Do That so you can truly see all the red flags and finally leave your husband for both your and your kid’s best interests.