My parents got divorced when I (16f) was really little and he remarried when I was 4. My stepsister is the same age as me. I spent every other week at dad’s house so I had an equal relationship with both of my parents. My stepsister saw her dad once or twice a year and that stopped happening after a few years of my dad and stepmom being married.
Because we were so close in age and similar-ish my dad and stepmom decided we would be the best of friends and do everything together. When I was at their house we were expected to hang out all the time, to include each other in everything even if it was hanging out with friends. My stepsister became super attached to it but I hated it. Especially the part about not being able to see friends without the other involved.
After a few years my stepsister pretended to like all the things I did so we’d be in the same after school activities and so our birthday parties were identical right down to the type of cake we’d get. It also meant we got less gifts and had to share big stuff instead because “we both loved them anyway”. At dad’s house nothing was mine. Not my clothes, my toys or even my room.
Whenever I tried to get space from my stepsister she’d complain to her mom or my dad and my dad would step in and tell me I needed to make time for my “sister”. Him and my stepmom started pressuring mom to take my stepsister out with us whenever we did things. I remember my stepmom calling my mom a c*nt for saying no to taking my stepsister to the trampoline park with me and my friends. Then it was my dad and stepmom yelling at mom for throwing me friend parties and not inviting my stepsister. And every sleepover my mom let me and my friends have was a huge deal to my dad and stepmom.
My mom and dad fought in court when I was 10 because dad accused mom of alienating me from my stepsister and mom wanted to get me therapy to help me process the pressure I faced at dad’s house. Dad didn’t want me in therapy except for family therapy. Dad didn’t win custody and mom got to put me in therapy.
I tried talking to my dad and telling him I didn’t want to be BFFs with my stepsister and I didn’t want to do everything with her but he ignores it. And he’s so much worse now because he acts like I’m bullying her when I don’t want to talk non-stop to her or when I don’t include her when I’m at mom’s house. So I asked my mom if she could look into getting full custody of me. Her attorney said we could try and dad counter filed for full custody and so it was a back and forth between them for custody. Mom had the support of my therapist and because of that the judge decided to speak to me. She said she wanted to hear what I’d say but I didn’t get to decide exactly. I told her everything and what I wanted and that I was serious about it. And the judge decided to let mom have full custody of me but the rule is I need to maintain phone contact with dad if nothing else. It specifies how long, how often, etc. But I don’t need to be at his house anymore.
Now other than school I never see my stepsister and it’s great. And at school I tell her I don’t want to talk and walk away. Plus I get an extended break because summer. It’s great and I’m happy about it. My dad’s pissed which I expected. But he told me I wasn’t very nice about any of it and that I might not have bullied my stepsister before but now I basically am and I’m punishing her for loving me and being my sister. He said I acted like a spoiled mean girl who couldn’t handle sharing with someone. And he also said I ran away from most of my family. I don’t think so but maybe he’s right and I do hate that I lost my dad in all of this.
AITA?
Comments
NTA. You didn’t run away from most of your family. He drove you away. You told him what the problem was but his expectations were more important to him than your feelings. He brought this on himself.
NTA. You didn’t “run away”, you protected yourself from being forced into a relationship that wasn’t genuine.
NTA
Enjoy your freedom! Let dad mouth off. In a couple of years you can cut him off, too, if he doesn’t stop
Even if you were full sisters or even twins, you still deserve to have your own life, activities, and friends. If your father and stepmother has let the relationship naturally grow, you may have been closer to your stepsister, but their interference and their delusion that you need to be joined at the hip ruined any chance of that. NTA
“And he also said I ran away from most of my family”
Well lucky you that Family is about quality and not quantity.
Nta
NTA. Tell your dad that his mindset is what cost him custody with the courts and he is very close to you realizing that maybe you are completely better without him in your life.
Forcing a sibling relationship on you that you don’t want is not good parenting, it’s just his selfishness.
NTA. He’s being unreasonable, and should have managed your stepsister’s expectations better.
Your Dad is a wimp, all he is doing is backing up what the 2nd wife wants and demands for her duaghter.
NTA. Send him this post so he can read the responses. Not even bio or adopted siblings are treated like you and your step sister
NTA, how would you dad like it if he was forced to have weekly dinners with your mother, court ordered? I am saying that your dad is forcing a relationship that you don’t want on you, how would he feel if a relationship he didn’t want was forced on him? He might understand if you were to explain it with him being a part of the story, the part that was unhappy about being forced into something that he didn’t want in the first place. How would he feel with others expecting and demanding he have feelings for someone he doesn’t have feelings for? Maybe your dad just hasn’t heard it in the right frame to se the picture you see?
NTA, NTA, NTA. Tell your dad that this is his and stepmother’s fault because they tried to force a relationship rather than letting it develop organically. They saw what they wanted to see rather than what was reality because it made them feel all warm and fuzzy about their blended relationship. This is about the blinders they were wearing for their own selfish wants. Tell your dad that he should look in the mirror if he wants to know why things ended up like they did.
NTA, send your dad this post, let him see how wrong he was. Updateme
NTA. Your dad is a desperate loser who tried to take away your autonomy to impress his wife. He chose his wife and stepdaughter- you didnt. Next time he calls her your sister remind him that she’s the child his wife made after she banged another man well before she knew he even existed – that should piss him off!
You dad and step mom are the poster children for how not to parent! You are NTA for setting boundaries
I have twins. Except for the early ages, or when they asked, they had separate birthday parties. They got to have friends of their own and mutual friends. They did some extracurricular activities together and some apart.
I treated them like individuals with their own minds. If your dad had done this, you might even have a relationship with your stepsister today
I feel very bad for her. She’s as much a victim as you are. Perhaps be kind to her at school and see if a healthy relationship between the two of you is even possible. If you think she’ll listen perhaps talk to her about it all. I hope she gets therapy too
My heart breaks for the two of you being victimized by your parents
NTA. Your dad and stepmom were forcing you to spend all your time with your stepsister and share everything with her. No sibling wants that, even if they are full blood related. Your dad brought it on himself but he can’t see that. He needs therapy.
Updateme
Of course NTA
You didn’t marry your stepsister, your dad married his mom and then they wanted to force you to be “her sister”. You didn’t ran away, your dad and stepmom wanted to make you like conjoined twins that HAD to share everything, not minding how you felt, but only how THEY felt
You’re not responsible your stepsister’s father ditched her. That’s on him and you are not the replacement
Why did your father truly punished you for being yourself? You have your own personality and sharing must be willingly, not forced like in your case. The ones bullying you are your father, stepmother and stepsister “if you are not bestie with your step sister your are a spoiled mean girl”
NTA – Maybe a friendship or even sisterly relationship would have formed naturally if they would have let you be.
And him putting his wife’s child above his own time and time again says everything about him.
NTA
Your dad basically abandoned you to placate his wife and her daughter. He chose them over you every time since they came into his life.
NTA. All stepparents should be required to read these posts.
You are obligated to call him on X day for Y time. You aren’t required to talk to him. Just put him on speaker and one word answer if you have to.
NTA but please be wary if planning to go to college, they’re going to likely try to pawn you off on the same university so you can be roommates and save money or some other crap. I wouldn’t share where you want to go with dad or stepmom and stepsister. I’d even consider telling them fake universities.
NTA- Your dad and stepmom took the easy way out by deciding that you and your stepsister would be bffs. That everything would be the same and shared. But even twins have some differences, they different interests, friends, likes, etc. They are not mirror images of each other like your dad and stepmom were trying to do, which is frankly creepy.
During your next call with your dad, tell him you will be recording it. And then do it. Let’s see if he has the same gusto when he knows he’s being recorded and his words can be used against him court to cut him off completely.
Since your dad cares more for your stepsister than you, tell him he can walk her down the aisle. You’ll find someone who’s willing to put you first. Like maybe the judge that awarded your mom custody.
NTA
NTA. You are your own person and you deserve to be treated as such. Your dad and stepmom basically decided that you two are basically just one person in two bodies and they’ve taken all your autonomy away for this new merged person. Ironically had they not pressured you so much you and your stepsister could have been friends.
Nta, your dad and his wife are huge oblivious ones. I wish you all the luck in the world, you sound like you’re off to a decent start with your mom.
NTA. Your dad is totally unreasonable for pressuring you and not allowing you to have your own things, your own friends, and your own identity at his house, especially as you became a teenager, the time kids often need their own space. He’s unreasonable for calling you names over it, he’s unreasonable for not understanding how you basically had a shadow that you never wanted. He can be mad, but he is the adult here. He has a responsibility to be mature about it since he failed to listen to you and give you any say and what was happening to you. I wouldn’t phrase it that you lost your dad. It sounds like your dad lost you. Maybe in time he’ll come around, but if he doesn’t, he only has himself to blame for caring more about his new wife than his daughter because that is basically what it boils down to.
NTA I have 2 kids. One has some extra care issues and it sometimes impacts on our other kid (sometimes the other way as well.)
Our job is to respect both kids as individuals.
Life would be so much easier if we could just lump them together and do everything together, but that’s not fair or right.
So today I am taking the youngest to the park to fly paper aeroplanes because my other kid got so overstimulated by visiting his granny, it just wasn’t happening yesterday.
I don’t want my kid resenting his brother, so I try and find ways to do the things he wants to.
He’s his own little person, with feelings.
NTA. But your dad is a massive AH.
nta
NTA. Your father does not see that the more he pushes the farther and faster you’re going to run away from him and his situation.
This is not your responsibility. Your stepsister needs to get her act together and make her own friends own, in of hanging with yours. I don’t know for a fact, but I would guess that your friends don’t want her around anymore than you do.
Updateme
Dad clearly has a fantasy in his head about how the blended family was going to work and tried forcing a relationship.
Forcing a relationship never works.
NTA, your Dad and stepmom are the ones that are bullying you. They tried to force two complete strangers to be ‘sisters’ and didn’t consider your emotional needs at all. They’ve been highly irresponsible and selfish parents. Maybe in time you can share your feelings with your Dad and he’ll listen with an open heart but right now, it seems like distance is the best thing for everyone. I hope he comes round eventually but you have nothing to feel guilty about.
NTA. I grew up in a split home just like this, only the role of my parents were reversed. My mother was convinced she could force me to become best friends with my step brother.
It didn’t work, and all she did was drive me to not wanting to have any relationship with her.
Tell your father that if he wants to have any relation with you once you turn 18 he needs to quit his bullshit. Your step is not your family, his wife is not your family, you choose your family and if he wants to be included he needs to make changes.
NTA
Op, your dad can say you’re being the mean girl , but in truth you’re a victim here, sadly you’re stepsister is too, but less so ,because she’s definitely bought into it and using it to her advantage.
But Dad and Stepmom decided that you and your stepsister would be best friends and then they eliminated any area where your ‘sister’ couldn’t be included and they harassed anyone that didn’t buy into their delusion.
What they did was incredibly abusive, and its textbook abuser , for them to call you the villian of the story when it them.
Had they at anytime , gave you the time and or space that you asked for , your Dad wouldn’t be speaking to his only child on the phone!
And yeah you are specifically avoiding stepsister, but that’s because they’ve made her so entitled to your attention and time, that she doesn’t understand that it’s not owed to her.
They created this situation in its entirety, they was no reason why they couldn’t just leave you and your stepsister alone and let you naturally develop a relationship on your own, your the same age , there is probably one of two things that you have in common that would have made you friendly.
Op, I think you should be prepared for when you hit 18, your Dad is going to expect that things may ‘go back to normal’ , he’ll probably convince himself that your mom is the one behind this and forcing you to do this.
So be ready for an onslaught the day custody documents no longer bound him.
Also KEEP YOUR COLLEGE DECISION SECRECT. I would bet money they have a plan for you two to be roommates at college and step one is going to the same one.
Keep your college list private, don’t share with anyone, in fact you may want to lay some false trails to find anyone that maybe sharing your college list. You make think it’s crazy, but there maybe a family member that thinks you’re being ‘dramatic’ about the stepsister and shares all info.
Ten bucks says stepmother pushed for it as a form of pseudo parenting.
NTA even identical twins are allowed to have their own possessions and their own friends.
You were treated as if the two of you were one person and then told that “you’ll like it”.
NTA, tell this is on them you both deserve to have your own friends and things and him forcing you to try to be one person got you here…
Wow at least the judge ask OP what she wanted and why.
Obviously, NTA.
So, just a heads up: Your dad and stepmom are freaking AHs so make sure you have a game plan for your future going forward, especially if you’re going to college.
I say that because they are definitely the type of vindictive, toxic weirdos that would try to send your clingy stepsister to whatever school you choose and try to make you room with her. Especially if they have any control over paying for it.
You and your mom need to start discussing what to do if that becomes an issue. Look into other options that might not require their money so they can’t use it to control you or your choices.
NTA your dad is the AH for forcing you to spend time with your stepsister and doing stuff together when you want space and he is going to lose any relationship with you in the future if he doesn’t see that his actions cause you to ask your mum for full custody to get away. You are not a mean girl bully for wanting your own space.
UpdateMe
NTA
I wonder if there was a possibility that if your dad and stepmom had not forced you and her into a shotgun friendship that you and stepsister could have actually become friends
NTA he played a stupid game now he cannot understand why he won all the stupid prizes. He has no understanding and accountability of how relationships work. You cannot force relationships isnt that why your parents got a divorce? Its ok to NOT have siblings relationships because you just dont jive! Im happy things are more relaxed now for you.
NTA, they were trying to recreate the Brady bunch. You are NOT a willing participant, what THEY are doing is abuse. Hence why he lost custody. Simple.
NTA it seems like you and her could have been (at the very least) friends but her mom and your dad went about it the wrong way.
NTA. I have actual twins, and we have always encouraged them to be their own individual people, who have friends and interests of their own. Your dad and his latest wife are lazy people. I’m sorry you both went through that.