I (29F) lost my husband to a car accident almost two years ago. His birthday is coming up next week, and I usually spend the day quietly, just me, maybe visit his grave, nothing big.
My sister (31F) is pregnant and planned her gender reveal for the exact same day. She said it was “the only day that worked for everyone.” I told her gently that I wouldn’t be able to attend, and she said, “It’s been almost two years. I thought you’d be in a better place by now.”
That comment hurt more than I expected. I didn’t argue, just said I’d be sending my love and a gift, but wouldn’t be there in person. Now she’s told our family that I’m being cold and distant “over something in the past.”
Our mom said I could’ve just shown up for an hour and left if it mattered that much. AITAH for choosing to grieve instead of go?
Comments
NAH – maybe her comment was insensitive but she can schedule the party and if you cant make it, thats that.
Lol cool fake story bro 🤣
Dont go. I hope your sister never has to understand grief like that, but im sorry for your loss. Your sister obviously is selfish.
NTAH. You do you and look after yourself. She can do what she wants. She does not have the right to call you out or spread gossip because she feels slighted. Stand tall and do what matters to you..
NAH
An invite isn’t a requirement but I think your mom is right, making a small appearance would have been nice.
Grief has no straight line but if you’re missing things due to it, that may be a sign that you need some additional resources.
EDIT: this post is fake op has a comment saying they’re 20
Your sister is the AH. Grief doesn’t just disappear after a year or two. It hits in waves. This a day she knows will be difficult for you and to state you should be over it is an asinine comment. NEVER put what you’re feeling or what your mental and emotionally need on the back burner for someone else. They don’t have to understand your grief but they can be empathetic that you may not be in the best mental place to be around people and that you currently have your own tradition and way of handling certain days.
You were 20 5 minutes ago
Your sister is being extremely selfish and your mother is supporting it. It wasn’t a day that worked for “everyone! Two years is a very short time to grieve such a massive loss. I hope you’re able to find support elsewhere since your mother and sister are useless. Perhaps a grief support group will help you not feel so alone. NTA
YTA.
Not real guys, OP was 20 a few minutes ago
Gender reveal parties are for narcissistic attention wh0res
NTA
Sounds like your family finds your grief inconvenient, and that’s a shitty thing to do. Grief doesn’t have a timeline, and if you’re present for everything else in life, except for this one day, you’re fine.
Your family needs to accept that you won’t be there. Honestly, I find gender reveals stupid, but that’s what they want, then they get to do it. They don’t get to guilt you and bully you for politely declining. And they are MAJOR assholes for calling your husband’s death “something in the past.” It was two years ago. WTF!
No, you’re not the asshole at all. That day clearly still means a lot to you and you have every right to spend it how you need to. Just because time has passed doesn’t mean the grief disappears. People act like there’s some kind of expiration date on pain, and it’s just not true.
You didn’t even make a big deal or cause drama. You let her know ahead of time, you were kind about it, and you still said you’d send a gift. That’s more than reasonable. Her saying “I thought you’d be in a better place by now” is honestly so cold. Like sorry but grief doesn’t run on her schedule.
And your mom saying you could’ve just popped in for an hour… no. You’re not obligated to split yourself in two on a day that already feels heavy. It’s not about being petty or “stuck in the past.” It’s about taking care of yourself.
You’re not cold. You’re not distant. You’re grieving someone you loved. Anyone who can’t understand that isn’t really trying to.
You did nothing wrong.
What an inconsiderate unsympathetic family you have.
“this day works for everyone”
But it doesn’t really? NTA. Keep doing what you’ve been doing OP.
“over something in the past” is fucking wild, RIP your husband, I’m sure he was an amazing man.
That comment was wild, and your sister claiming you’re cold and distant? Not on at all.
NTA.
“No, it DOESN’T work for everyone.” Then stop talking & let your sister figure it out.
NTA
But… It’s been 2 years? It’s time to return to the living.
The Story is fake. if it was true, then you don’t have to go, however your mom advice was good
NTA, but I’m sorry to tell you that your sister and mother are big ones
Grieving is not on a timeline
This was your husband and he only passed two years ago
I truly hope you have other family who are actually kind and supportive
OP is posting fake stories, y’all.
NTA – she was very insensitive, it’s a gender reveal You lost the love of your life and are grieving. She is telling people what sex her baby is.
They are not even close to comparable. There is no timeline to get over a loss like yours.
NTA for not attending. Your family doesn’t seem to understand how grief works.
At first, I thought “the timing doesn’t seem to be intentional, maybe sister innocently, but incorrectly assumed that OP would be ok with attending”.
I’d like to believe that the timing was still unintentional, but for her to talk sh*t about you for being “cold” shows that your sister is CHOOSING to be an AH here.
If something like this happened in my family, I’d tell me sister I’d love for her to be there but not at the expense of her wellbeing. I’d give her a big hug and ask her if we could spend some one on one time together, does she need anything? And that I completely understand her not wanting to be there, sorry that the timing probably feels terrible, and I’d make sure everyone else in my family reached out to her with love and no one, I mean NO ONE made her feel bad if she didn’t want to come.
NTA
I can understand it if she forgot but she planned it on that day knowing what day it was and was mad you couldn’t go.
Stay home. Visit his grave. Make yourself a nice meal and watch a movie. You are not going to feel like talking to people that day (If I had to guess) so don’t force yourself into a social situation.
NTA, it’s your day to grieve should’ve been more considerate. Maybe suggest a rain-check?
Could your sister maybe have done this with her heart? She knew exactly what day, and wanted you surrounded by friends and family, trying to help you in your grief?
YTA for making stuff up
You do not have to grieve on anyone else’s timeline but your own.
Be weary of grieving taking over your actually living life(that’ll sneak up on you real quick), but grief takes time. Ample time.
I fully support just not going, send a gift or something on the back end and wish your sister the best. You take the time you need to get back to yourself. I hope you take it easy on yourself, OP.
NTAH.
“The only day that worked for everyone.”
Yeah, everyone but you. I guess you don’t count, huh? 🤦🏻♀️
Nta. Shes a b!tch and anyone on her side can go for themselves.
NTA. Grief is personal and there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. It’s okay to miss it if you can’t handle it, take care of yourself.
NTA
It’s an invitation not an instruction.
I wouldn’t go to this party even if I was free. Live your life as you see fit, you only get one
Troll. YTA
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1m5iyq5/comment/n4c76bi/?context=3
I lost my mom in a car accident 11 years ago, and I’m still grieving. Every year on July 17, I try to avoid people because I know I’m an emotional wreck. It’s not something you ever get over. In the first year, I was numb and felt nothing. The second year is when it really hit me in that day.
NTA. Take the day for yourself
YTA. Fake post
Nta UpdateMe!
everyone grieves different, so no your NTA. but neither is your sister, She’s planning a day that she thought everyone would be able to make it, she thought that after 2 years you might be at a point in your grief where you could let some happiness in on one of your sad days. Losing loved ones especially the love of your life or a child are ones you might never get over. not saying these are harder for everyone or other losses are easier, losing a parent or friend can be devastating as well.
Give yourself whatever time you need to grieve, but it might be a nice change to allow yourself some happiness on those bad days too. Could you go visit him in the morning, go to the event for an hour or so, wear something he loved you in or bring something of his along with you, then go back to the grave. Tell him all about it have him share in your day. If you can’t let in anything else that’s ok to.
Your family sounds awful, I’m sorry.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/s/5mRU727VLr
Lost my grandma a few years ago. I lost like 10 pounds initially, but then my hair started thinning, and my skin looked dull. I aged overnight, tbh. Now, I’m 20 and look like I’m 30.
YTA, expecting people to plan around your misfortune is unreasonable.
You never get over losing someone. Her comment was tasteless and shows that she has not been through that pain. Not that one should ever hope she has to experience it… But your mom is also being extremely ignorant.
NTA.
I completely support what you’re going through. Two years is almost nothing around grief and death. It’s enough to stand on your own and start moving forward, but as somebody who has gone through this, it’s not very long.
I understand people can’t plan everything around what we need, but that’s why it’s our job to take care of ourselves. I would send a lovely gift and I would do what you need to do. NTA.
Sis said the day “worked for everyone” … tell her it doesn’t work for you.
Not at all… Please grieve for him and honor him. It’s not a matter of attending your sister’s event. Attending any event on that day, will always annoy you.
May you have peace in time.
Grief is the hardest thing I e ever had to deal with. There is no correct timescale, you do you and be kind to yourself.
My partner passed on Christmas night so I have had to try to move past being too caught up in it for the sake of other people as well as me – at one point I thought I’d never be able to celebrate Christmas again but I do. I still think about him and speak to him then try to get on with my day.
Maybe you could spend some time with him then go to the baby shower? I doubt he would want you to miss out.
NAH her comment was a little insensitive but I can see why she is hurt. Sometimes plans can’t work for everyone and she was okay to prioritize (it seems like) everyone else’s schedule. It’s a shitty situation in which everyone’s feelings are valid and it is what it is.
Your grief is a very personal experience and at the same time she can’t stop her life events nor should she, to accommodate your grieving. It didn’t seem like there was any malice in her choice and I can see an average person avoiding the day he passed but I wouldn’t expect them to remember his birthday and think to avoid it 2 years later.
She’s about to have a kid and their schedule is going to get a lot more complicated, you guys should probably talk this out so you accept that you are going to miss events and she is going to accept you can’t make it for everything.
I’ve been on this side of grief. What I would have suggested was absolutely going to the reveal. Your love would have wanted you to share in your family milestones and happiness. I do not think he’d want you missing important things because of his loss. That being said, I know they’re so heavy and you have to do what feels right. What I think you should do, is go to your sisters thing and then celebrate your love after however you want. I’m sure he’d be happy to share his day. Your sisters comment stung but it is really hard for someone who hasn’t navigated grief yet to understand.
No. No one has a say in our grief process, no one.
YTA for this fake outrage post.
How do peope know or think what op is saying is fake genuine question
Wow. Just wow…”over something from the past”????!!!!
THATS WHAT SHE IS SPEWING??!!!!
It’s not like you’re holding a petty grudge against her, it was the death of your spouse, your partner, the other half of your team. Grief comes in waves, sometimes a quiet water drifting to shore and sometimes it’s a tsunami that you’d rather die from than continue to feel it, there is no timeline for grieving.
Your sister is incredibly insensitive. You’re not making a family spectacle of this, she is. You simply declined the invitation.
I’m sorry for your loss and am sending you light and love
NAH
Other than your sister not being honest with your family about why you weren’t able to attend.
I get the she wants life to move on because she has something happy in her future. But you deserve to take the time you need to grieve your husband. I’m sorry for your loss
NTA. None of them understand and they won’t until they experience a similar loss. Let Them. In the meantime rise above their insensitivity and be the bigger person. 🫂