I (17m) was adopted at birth by my maternal grandparents. I always knew I was adopted. That was never a secret. But I didn’t always know that my oldest “sister” was my birth mother. My parents did tell me that my birth mother was someone they knew and that they had all agreed to discuss it with me when I was older. So they didn’t tell me everything but they also weren’t assholes about it and they weren’t shaming me for asking. They just wanted my birth mother involved in the talk so I’d feel more supported. But she refused to be involved so they told me a couple of years ago with the help of a therapist.
It was kind of like oh wow but also not. My oldest sister was always kinda a jerk to me. The rest of my siblings were all cool with me despite big age gaps. My oldest sister was 22 when she gave birth to me. She was actually older than my parents when they had her. So it wasn’t like it was generations ago when teen pregnancies were kept secret like that. This was she was pregnant, had me, didn’t want me and offered me to my parents and they said yes.
I remember her being around when I was younger but everyone else in the family hated how she was around me and she distanced herself. She’d never tell anyone who my birth father was. She said it was nobody’s business, not even mine, and she would never tell. My parents said at least for the sake of giving me answers and she refused. She told them I had no right to know.
It was one of my brothers who, after I found out who my birth mother was, told me he suspected it was her on and off again boyfriend who she’s still with. His reasons for suspecting that is she was always very cagey about him and was against him ever coming to meet all of us. He’s met some of my siblings, he met my parents briefly. But never me and she was never okay with us meeting. So that’s his theory and it’s more than she’ll tell us.
She’s in contact with some of my family again. It’s weird because she gets mad at them for basically choosing me over her and most of them only speak to her hoping they can get answers for me, if I ever want to do something about them. She got into a big fight with another sister who pushed her to say a name for my birth father recently. But she refused and was like everyone needs to leave it alone and she said I better not try to find out with DNA tests. That it’s none of my fucking business.
When I heard she’d said that I told my family I’d do a DNA search to find out medical info because it’s all I really want/need anyway. But I’m so sick and tired of her answers and her now saying I wasn’t allowed to look. They all support me. My parents would love to know because I had some medical issues that we didn’t have in the family and we didn’t have a full family medical history for answers. Maybe I won’t get that in a search but if I can knowledge is power.
They told my birth mother she was out of luck and it caused her to have a huge freak out on every single family member, including my parents. She told them I was a disgusting POS and they better fucking stop me and all kinds of stuff. They told her it was none of her business what I did and she didn’t have the right to stop me if she had no answers to give.
I’m glad to have the support of my parents and siblings but I don’t think this is something that my oldest sister will get over eventually. Because it also affects the relationships she has with the rest of the family I wanted to ask AITA for deciding to do a DNA search when I turn 18?
Comments
Sounds like you birth mother is a real POS. She’s probably hiding a secret, like an affair or r@pe or something. You will probably have to get a court order to have her boyfriend tested.
updateme!
NTA
But there is a possibility that she doesn’t know who the father is and this is opening old wounds for her, especially if the conception was non consensual.
If you are happy to take that risk (including that it may be a family member and inbreeding is what has caused the medical problems) that is perfectly your right and decision to make
NTA
It is absolutely your business who you share your DNA with. Ignore her. She’s a terrible person for how she’s behaved about this entire situation, and she has NO right to demand that you obey her bizarre wishes. It’s very likely that the truth will make her look bad, and that’s all she cares about. If the truth is related to some traumatic event, you still have a right to know for medical reasons alone. Ignore her. Do what is best for you, always. Whether or not she gets over it is irrelevant. And if it affects her relationships or not is her problem, not yours.
UpdateMe
NTA do it. find out the truth for you.
NTA she hasn’t told your birth father and doesn’t want the blow back thats going to cause.
>That it’s none of my fucking business.
It quite literally is.
However OP, from her reaction I have a feeling you are not going to like the answer and it might be a big reason as to why she’s so angry/hostile towards you. Have you ever considered your father could be someone in your family, an incest situation? Someone who forced himself on her? Would you be okay knowing you are the result of a situation like that?
Just fyi. You are opening a can of worms, whether you want to or not. You have every right to find this out but just saying – there might be a lot of trauma that way.
NTA. You have a right to do that search, especially if you wait until you’re a legal adult. She has zero right to try to stop it, or ability to, and it sounds like she’s been kind of a huge jerk to you about everything for your entire life.
I have to say that your family’s behavior has given me pause, though. Why are they still pressuring her for a name that she repeatedly goes no contact to avoid giving? Why do they only get in contact with her to continue that push? Told from your bio mother’s viewpoint, this story probably becomes something like, ‘I had a child I didn’t want when I was very young, though not a teenager. I decided that this wasn’t the life I wanted and to give my baby up for adoption, and my parents volunteered to take him. But even before he was born, they were continually pressuring me for the name of his sperm donor, and that has never let up, in 17 years. They roped all of the rest of the family into it as well. They don’t care about anything else – certainly nothing about me, my life, or my feelings, or my obvious trauma around the pregnancy. I’ve gone NC with the entire family multiple times over it, but they keep convincing me that they’re sorry and will stop, and then fool me, as soon as I’m even a little comfortable, they start right back up. I regret agreeing to give him to my parents so much – it rapidly got to the point where I can’t even look at the kid without getting a little angry and sick. Why can’t they just let it go?”
I don’t think you need to wait till you’re 18 since your parents (grandparents who legally adopted you) support you
NTA
May I ask. If you have your whole families support, why wait till you’re 18?
Why are you waiting until you’re 18, do it now, you don’t owe your egg donor anything. What a vile person she is. Of course it’s your business, it’s your father.
PLEASE give us an update. Best of luck on your search
NTA
NTA
She may not like it, but you are entitled to know. It is not in her interests to tell you, but it is in yours to find out.
NTA – your egg donor sounds like a selfish bitch. You have every right to know where you came from.
Oh hell no. It is “your fucking business”. You absolutely have a right to know and I think your family wants to know. Your dad and his side of the family should also be told when you find out. Get a copy of your birth certificate but she probably didn’t put his name on it. You do what you have to and don’t worry about the rest. I do believe your family wants to know as bad as you do. Go for it.
Updateme
You have the right to search but just beware that it can come with some truths you didn’t want to know.
Was your sister possibly ra*ed and forced by her parents to keep the child? It would explain a lot of her resentment and anger towards you. Are you sure you’re getting the true story?
Are you prepared to find out that’s how you came to be? Are you prepared to find out that your adoptive parents did anything wrong in this situation? Are you prepared for the deepest family secrets possibly being revealed?
I’m not saying you don’t deserve the truth, but with your sister / bio mom’s reaction, I would definitely be prepared for the worst.
Gonna end up finding out grandpa dad is bio grandpa dad.
There is a lot more to this and I predict a lot more tears before anything gets any better for anyone.
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Sorry op you seem to have been born into a nightmare not of your making.
Updateme
You sure you wanna know? This reeks of some sort of sexual abuse
Nta updateme. Can’t you get one now already? Or do you have to wait to 18?
This is ENTIRELY your business. Your bio mom is an AH.
You don’t owe her ANYTHING.
She did you a favour (of course I’m sure a very complicated one) by not being your parent, since she clearly isn’t capable of giving a shit about anyone but herself.
Do what you need to 💕
Update me
NTA
Why are you waiting until your 18? Your adoptive parents can provide consent.
Your egg donor has zero legal standing to stop you.
NTA, my take on the whole hostility and why she wants you stopped at any cost is probably her off and on bf. She probably got pregnant and gave birth during an off cycle, and never told him. Having kids may be a deal breaker for him, so she handed you off. They are still together so if he learns about you now, not only does the deal breaker come in, but with the bomb of lying and hiding that lie from him for 18 years. It would also explain why her other siblings have met him and he probably doesnt know you exist.
NTA: it is 100% your business. That said, she might be acting like this because your conception was tragic. Be prepared that you may have been conceived through rape.
Nta. Honestly you might have legal actions against her for telling you who your father is. I remember reading somewhere a child sued thier parents to tell them who their father was a few years ago. I juat dont remember if it was state side or not.
Do the DNA test anyhow shes the obly POS.
NTA
Your birth mother has been nothing but badly behaved for your entire life – why on earth would her opinion matter here?
And you all talk to her why? Do what you need to do. It’s your future you are talking about.
From another perspective, what can your mother do about her threats? Not a damn thing. Let her get mad. So what?
NTA
NTA, OP.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this and how your biological mom is reacting. Her words of “not your fucking business” are super insulting. Makes me want to slap her. Who knows, though? She better have a good reason as to why she keeps being that way once you get that test done. Good luck, best wishes. Good vibes are sent your way.
Update me
NTA. A member of my family discovered they had a child they never knew about when that adult child did a DNA test & found they were related to a cousin, who then gave them the name of the father they’d never met.
The two of them are now texting & talking on the phone, meeting up for holidays, sending cards, the whole deal.
I wish you the same good results.
Tentative NAH.
This is pure conjecture, but the fact that your bio-mother is so hostile and resentful towards you makes me suspect that you may have been the unwanted product (and living reminder) of a nonconsensual encounter which was deeply traumatic for her. While she is absolutely TA for being “kinda a jerk” to a little kid,, and for keeping you in the family if she was unable to be civil as you grew up, I cannot call her TA for the specific action of refusing to discuss a traumatic experience or for attempting to prevent having her attacker potentially given access to her life and family through you. Humans have irrational and frequently nasty trauma responses to perceived danger, and as a rape survivor myself, I can see why “rape baby might bring rapist back into her orbit” might cause her to lash out, so I’m going to tentatively give her some grace and assume she’s acting out of fear rather than malice.
If, however, there is no trauma behind her decision – if she just resents you for existing when she did not want you and is using this information simply to express spite and hatred towards you by denying you your bio-father’s identity – then she is a colossal asshole, and honestly, it could go either way.
In either case, you are not TA, and have every right to find out who your bio-father is regardless of the trauma that may or may not be attached for your bio-mother – just make sure you’re prepared emotionally for the possibility of it being an ugly story, because that shit can hit hard. Your bio-mother has never been kind or loving to you, and has earned no right to your loyalty as a son or as a brother. The time to make sure you cared about her distress enough to drop the matter – as you might have done if she was a beloved sister you loved immensely – has long passed.
You say you’re worried that she won’t get over this in the future, and honestly yeah, that sounds likely. Her relationships with your extended family already seem to be strained, and yes, their support of you may cause her to estrange from them permanently. But that would be the result of their choices and hers – you are only responsible for, and can only control, your side of your relationship with her, if you wish to have one. What goes on between her, her parents and her siblings (excluding you) is on them to manage, and affected by years of events you weren’t there for and won’t understand. And it doesn’t sound like she has much of those relationships left to salvage.
Your folks, obviously, are not TA for supporting you based on the net-zero information their daughter has given them. She’s given no valid reason for them to be against you finding your bio-father. It sounds like they’re really in your corner, and I’m glad you have them.
Updateme
Is it possible that she was raped and projects her pain/hate on you?
NTA
This isn’t about her. It’s about you.
updateme!
NTA
If it the off again on again boyfriend she is currently with, he may not know she had a baby. Could be a reason for the hostility. She doesn’t want him to know.
Do the tests.