Please advise me on how to make this relationship work, or a wake up call if you feel like I need one.

Hello everyone.
This is my first time posting on Reddit, and I feel very lost right now so I am sorry I might be rambling a bit.

For context, I (30F) have been in a 10 years long relationship with my boyfriend (33M). He has ADHD, and memory/sense of time quirks that come with it (such as storing similar memories together so when he remembers he feels like they happened closely whereas actually they were months apart). We live together, both our names are on the lease. We don’t have children. Our finances are separate.

I want to start with the positive. I know that my boyfriend does love me, he tries to build a better future for ourselves, he tries to improve himself everyday, to be patient and understanding.

Now the part I would like advice on. Once every few months, it happens that one event sets him off, he gets really mad and acts cold towards me, and it usually ends with me begging to keep the relationship going. It’s usually a conversation we have, but I don’t even have an example of such event because I don’t register them as such until later when he gets mad. It’s like he brews over something that bothered him instead of mentionning it, draws a conclusion, and gets mad.

When he gets mad this way, he used to give me the silent treatment (which I couldn’t bear anymore), thankfully that has improved and now he acknowledges me but makes it clear he doesn’t want to see me around nor care what I become. He will slam doors and acts generally angry.

The problem for me is that when he gets mad, I rarely understand why ; he never clearly explains it, and pretends as if the whole thing never happend when he calms down. If I ask him what was the problem, he will brush it off saying he doesn’t want to talk about it. If I try to communicate before he has calmed down, it will set him off, and make things worse, so I never get closure or understanding on what happened and how to avoid it in the future.

He has said multiple times that he doesn’t want to talk anymore, that talking is useless, he is tired of talking. However, I feel like we never discussed of our relationship in a grounded, rational way, on how we are as a couple, what we need from each other to be fulfilled, etc. I did express the need for such discussion, but he dismissed it saying he doesn’t like to talk.

He also once mentionned how he feels like he is not a good speaker and thus feel disadvantaged in a conversation. I tried to tell him it’s not a battle with a winning and a losing side. I do my best to not stress him, for example I will never bother him if something seems to be on his mind, I talk calmly, I try make him feel safe for talking, etc.

I feel like he has simply been building resentment towards me, resentment that has never been resolved, so each time another event gets him mad, he feels the whole stack at once, if it makes sense. I think his memory works this way, where one new bad event will trigger all similar previous bad memories.

Today, such event happened : we talked, I didn’t think something was wrong at all, he came back 15mn later saying he did not like the way I spoke to him and was clearly mad. I apologized, said I did not meant to look for trouble. He stayed mad for hours, he didn’t want to speak, then before leaving the house for an errand, he told me « things will have to change, I am not forcing you to stay with me ». I asked if we could talk when he comes back but he replied he is tired of talking. I spent the day (and I still am) in bed, I am so scared of the future. If I could simply cease to exist, I would.

What I want to highlight is that our relationship did improve a lot, yet we are still hitting those moments where he tells me stuff like how he is not forcing me to stay, how I never change, etc.
When this happens, I am in a state of fear and I feel so helpless, I feel something heavy yet hollow in my chest, and I am unable to do anything else than praying for the storm to pass.

I am stuck on how to proceed, as I don’t know what I did to anger him, and it’s not the first time. If we keep this relationship going, I need some more emotional safety. I am tired of feeling this down, this miserable, each time something similar happens.

But aside those moments, we are very happy, or at least I think so. I spend most of our time together, we laugh, we do stuff together, we snuggle each night and morning, etc. That makes those bad moments even harder.

I guess my question is : what’s your take on this situation? I genuinely would like things to change, I don’t think it’s a healthy dynamic in the long run. I am torn on whether to fight or not for this relation. But my life has been built around him, I really don’t want to abandon everything for something that maybe is trivial. So I would like to hear from third parties how the whole thing looks like.

Also, I don’t have a support system, no friend or family with whom I could stay. Therapy is also not an immediate option, I would like to but he doesn’t believe in it, and also it’s not so common here.

Thank you for reading, and your time.

Tldr : Would be grateful for advice on how to make a 10 year long relationship work, or call it quits, when one side seems to not want to communicate and is building resentment towards the other, while the other need some explanation on how to improve and is feeling at loss for the lack of communication.