So I am about 7 and a half months pregnant. I have 1 sister and 3 step siblings (2 girls 1 boy). My stepmother has been my main mother figure since I was about 10 or 11. However ever since I met her she has heavily favored her youngest child, her son.
Ever since I found out I was pregnant she has been HEAVILY hyping up my pregnancy to her son. In fact the first thing she said to me when I told her I was pregnant was “Oh! ‘A’ is going to be so excited to be an uncle! He always wanted to be a big brother!!” She’s always talking to him in a baby voice “Aren’t you so excited to be an uncle? 🥹🥹” even though he is like 13 years old. But never ask my actual sister if she’s excited to be an aunt or her daughters if they are ready to be an aunt.
My little brother always shrugs and replies with “I guess” any time I visit and he is there he does not say a SINGLE word to me (I am not exaggerating. Not a “Hi” “Hello” “How are you?” “Hows the baby?” NOTHING!!!!) he has shown zero interest in me or my baby. And honestly I dont trust him alone with my baby. He is rowdy, inconsiderate, irresponsible, selfish, and I could go on. He told me before I wasnt his sister. So why should I let him be an uncle? He is completely spoiled and gets everything he wants and gets away with everything while his older sisters are given breadcrumbs and yelled at over the smallest things. Thus leaving him with a feeling of entitlement. The way his mom treats him has left him with a very misogynistic mindset and I don’t like the way he talks about and treats woman and don’t want my daughter around that.
So last time I was over my stepmom was once again talking to me about how excited she was for her son to be an uncle and I finally snapped and told her he will not be an uncle to my child and he would be lucky if he ever even got to hold her. She acted all offended and told my dad about the situation. My dad pretty much took my side as he completely agrees with my views on my step brother but wants me to apologize to her because I was being too harsh about the situation and it really hurt her feelings and at the end of the day they are my family no matter if I like it or not.
Comments
You’re being really mean to your step brother for no reason.
Of course he doesn’t care about your pregnancy, of course he’s irresponsible, he’s a 13 year old boy raised by someone who doesn’t care about him. Where’s your dad in all this? Why does he get a pass for being a bad dad to this boy?
Your step mom is annoying. If you have a problem with her favoritism take it up with her, not your step brother.
Sounds like the real problem is her treatment of all the kids, not the “uncle” thing
Not the asshole. If he doesn’t act like family, he doesn’t get the title. You’re just setting boundaries.
Step mom is the problem, not him. NTA for saying that ig but I think you need to dial back the hostility you have to a young child.
NTA for telling her how this situation is at the moment.
SHE wants her darling boy to be at the center of attention, at 13 years old I bet he doesn’t care a lick.
But there may (or may not) be a time where A on his own will come around and be more attentive to you & yours as he matures. I would not discourage this if it happens.
She sounds annoying but don’t be an AH to the kid. He’s 13. Of course he’s rowdy and can’t be trusted with a newborn. But after your baby and he are grown if he/she sees him as an uncle then that’s her uncle. NAH
The kid doesn’t sound interested in your baby and you don’t want your baby around him. I don’t see a problem. Invite your dad/sister/whoever over to your place instead of going there if you’re so pressed but it doesn’t sound like the kid is going to be asking to spend any time with your baby so this is a nonissue.
You have dogs, you can deal with the MIL and weird BIL
YTA…if you had stayed quiet he probably would have just rolled his eyes at his mom and generally continued to ignore your baby. Now you’ve made it into a dramatic situation. If you want to have a relationship with your stepmom and keep having a good time with your family, you should just apologize, blame pregnancy hormones, and move on. I’m sure your stepbrother won’t actually be a problem or interfere with your baby. He’s 13, they’re not usually interested in babies.
Your step mom is the problem here, not the spoilt pre-teen boy. He might suck, but he’s a kid and the product of his mom’s shitty parenting. If there is someone you don’t want around your kid, it should be her. The bratty kid is a much easier target though.
NTA. The kid is probably not at all interested in being an uncle, and sounds like the title is being forced on him by his mother. Most 13 year olds are much more interested in school, friends and video games than some baby. It is absolutely normal to have zero interest in your child, that doesn’t make him dangerous to be around or untrustworthy, it means that he is a young teenage boy. He may or may not make a good uncle figure as he gets older, but he gets to be a kid, regardless of what his mother or you think.
I think you have displaced your displeasure onto the kid instead of his mother, who is really the one acting strange.
NTA you’re really right to set boundaries, and it’s completely understandable that you want to protect your child from someone who doesn’t act like family and has a history of being inconsiderate and entitled, it’s not about being harsh, it’s about safety and respect, and honestly, I’d be surprised if anyone here disagrees with you on that
NTA but maybe apologize just to keep the peace? Not worth the drama with a newborn coming. But stand your ground about the uncle thing
NTA but you could have handled this better. Imagine how much more effective it would be if you instead said “bro doesn’t give a crap about this baby.” Or “(sarcastically) hey bro, bet you can’t wait to spend your spring break babysitting, right?”
Then bro would be on your side, in on the joke, and shutting his mother down without once ever feeling like you’ve rejected him as a brother.
NTAH. Your dad doesn’t really agree with you if he’s asking you to apologize to her. Her behavior is disgusting and I honestly would not fully trust your dad to protect your baby if there was ever a situation where it was his wife and stepson over her. That “just say sorry for family peace” bullshit is simply a polite way to ask people to put up with abuse. Don’t buy into it OP.
I honestly feel bad for her son her upbringing caused his issues and he’ll probably either have a tough time hit a rock bottom and become better for it or will always be that way unfortunately. Overall tho nta
Your dad took your side but still expects you to apologise? Hell no. You were not too harsh, you were exactly harsh enough for her to get the fucking message.
Your stepmom can take a jump into the nearest lake.
NTA
NTA, “Family” isn’t just a title you just hand out to anybody. If he doesn’t treat you like family you don’t owe him the title for your kid.
NTA, obviously, you needed to be harsh for her to understand. Talking things out nicely to a narcissist gets you nowhere. Tell your dad if she would have taken a hint, you wouldn’t have to speak so bluntly.
YTA, why are you hating on a 13year old? You should be pissed at your step mom
YTA. This kid is obviously going to be present when you’re around your dad and sisters right? So are you planning to tell your child that they can’t call him uncle? Can’t bond with him? Can’t be loved by him? It’s totally normal for a 13 year old boy to act indifferent about a pregnancy but you just made some pretty bold statements that can have long term consequences.
Step mom is the problem. You could have said something to her about her poor behavior without squashing a possibly nice relationship between your child and their step-uncle before it even begins.
YTA. Your hostility towards 13 year old brother seems excessive. He’s probably far more annoyed with the uncle shit then you are since he lives with your step mother, yet here you are practically targeting him during your blow up rather then step mom.
This is a lot of hoopla over a word. It sounds like there’s a lot more going on than whether or not you’ll let your kid call that kid uncle. It sounds really toxic to be honest
not the AH. you’re allowed to protect your child from people who don’t respect you, blood or not. your stepmom is trying to force a Hallmark-family dynamic that doesn’t exist, and ignoring the fact that this kid isn’t just disinterested.. he’s actively disrespectful. if he doesn’t see you as his sister, then he doesn’t get the title of uncle by default. calling it like it is might’ve hurt her feelings, but being honest about your boundaries isn’t the same as being cruel.
YTA for hating on a child when the moms the issue.
No apology needed.
I’m one of those people who consider “I’m sorry your feelings were hurt” a non-apology.
NTA at all. She assumed too much
Yes
Keep the peace, smile a lot and say nothing. It’s worked for me for years.
Agree on stepmom being the issue, not the kid. He’s 13. “Uncle” isn’t a term generally reserved for just blood relatives. Even friends can be “uncles.” Being so adamant that your step brother not be referred to as an uncle seems like overkill. I’d focus more on putting stepmom in her place and pointing out her crappy parenting.
He can’t agree and say you should apologize. He either agrees with you or he doesn’t. You need to talk to him about that and tell him to stop defending her when she’s wrong(which he did by saying you should apologize for setting a clear boundary and making it seem like their connection to him should mean something to you). They are not your family. They are his family. If they were blood then they’d be relatives. The word is the bond. They are not ur family if you don’t see them as such. Pls don’t listen to these enabling ass commenters who are excusing his behavior just bc he’s a minor. He knows what he’s doing.
And yall in these comments need to stop. She doesn’t want him to be her child’s uncle so he is not. He is 13. The way he’s acting is his own choice. The blame isn’t solely on the stepmom.
I would tell her I am sorry for the angry tone of what I said, I should have said something sooner so she wouldn’t have had time to make me very upset about it. Note that this does not include apologizing for the content of what you said, and it implies that yes, I’m very angry and she did it.
I think you focused on the wrong thing. The problem you have is with how she favors one child over the others. That has nothing to do with your child. If you have a problem with her favoritism, tell her that, separately from talking about your child. The most you should do regarding little bro’s uncle status is to point out to her that he has already stated you’re not his sister, and he is displaying no interest whatever in being an uncle, so would she please be kind enough to stop pushing this agenda on him and on you. YTA for getting the wrong end of the stick.
If she’s as over the top as you say, 1 she might could use some therapy and 2 there’s a weird dynamic going on where she sees a baby coming and tries to make it about her baby bc he’s about to stop being the baby in the family. It’s not that unusual not to trust teenage boys especially alone with an infant. Not that they’d do anything malicious, they’re just not all wired to care yet. Some may never be. He’s a kid, he’s got time to come around. Your stepmom sounds like she’s got self work to do.
You don’t have to much to worry about besides sm being pushy, a teen boy won’t be interested in engaging with a baby.
He’s a teen boy, you need to chill. His behaviour is totally normal for his age and miles better than the alternative of being loud, obnoxious and aggressive.
NTA. Hopefully, when he matures there will be better outcomes for your relationship. Right now, he’s too young to even care if he is an uncle. So, I’d let the situation with your stepmother just fizzle out. Perhaps apologize to her for snapping and still stand by the why of it and calmly tell her how you feel.
Congratulations to you!! I hope you have a wonderful pregnancy and a happy and healthy baby. Best of wishes to you.
“Im sorry the truth hurt your feelings.”
ESA honestly. No doubt your stepmom is insufferable and neglectful of her daughters, but your expectations of a 13 y/o to ask about your pregnancy is ridiculous. He could be the sweetest kid in the world and be oblivious to that because he’s a 13 y/o. They’re completely self absorbed at that age, and being offended that he’s not interested in pretty clueless.
You could have confronted her about ignoring the girls or her preferential treatment of her son, instead you reacted like he’s some predator creep and punishing him for being a teenager. How old are you? You sound incredibly immature.
Technically he IS an uncle by marriage. I mean, he’s 13 years old. He’s going through a spoiled phase that hopefully he grows out of. Personally, I would also not let a 13 year old watch a baby alone. But to snap at your MIL over something so insubstantial. NTA to the MIL, ESH to the “uncle” in training
idk… I think that’s kinda shitty.
She’s been your primary mother figure since you were 10 years old. It’s only natural for your step siblings to just be treated like your siblings, meaning they’re your child’s aunts and uncle.
Your stepmother sounds a bit like a basketcase but also sounds harmless. Your youngest stepbrother said you’re not his real sister? As a child?
Like damn… it takes a village. Don’t deny your child a large family. If he’s a dick after the kid’s born, then sure, don’t expose the kid to him. But if he’s not, don’t deprive your kid of a loving uncle.
Your brother will eventually grow up.
Nope! Totally disagree with your fathers ‘family’ comment.
Family is who, at the end of the day, we choose to include in our personal space or circle. Blood or not.
No apologies needed.
Congratulations on your pregnancy.
NTA – Hell and No are the only responses. Tell her that until he doesn’t act like an entitled misogynistic jerk, he will have nothing to do with the baby and neither will she if she keeps pushing. He’s not obligated to a damn thing and it’s clear why he’s an ahole.
What does your dad even do about the bs treatment of your step sisters and the awful coddling of this kid that will no doubt be a monster without therapy when he grows up.
She needs a reality check. She seems to have some sort of a mental illness. I don’t say that to be mean but living in a reality where he’s SO excited when he’s said nothing of the sort is really really creepy, especially with the things he’s said before. He’s 13 not 3.
What’s going to stop him from hurting your daughter when she gets attention over him or will she be treated as a second class citizen because she’s a girl? I’m sure of he hurt her she’d make excuses for it.
Don’t ever let them alone with your baby.
I’d go further and tell her exactly what you think. Your daughter comes before her and her screwed up parenting and awful child. Tell dad to grow a pair because you don’t owe her or him anything.
Make sure the step sisters are included if possible and ask them how they feel as it’s clear the parents don’t give a damn.
NTA for telling your stepmom that but YTA for talking about him the way you do. He’s 13, a child. You need to grow up. And why would he care about your pregnancy? He’s 13? And YOU are the adult. If he doesn’t greet you the way you want, you will have to take that step.
He is an uncle. You don’t have to like him or let him babysit.
Good for you for finally speaking up.
NTA.
NTA
Don’t apologize. You have nothing to be sorry for.
Tell that you are not apologizing for stating your boundary you have a right to.
NTA.
NTA, your step mom definitely has issues. She needed to hear that for sure.
But you are being too harsh towards your step bro. He is just a 13 year old kid, what can you expect? Your step deserves the anger, not the kid.
Step mom can kick rocks. You don’t have her son or her anywhere near your child. Be supportive of your step sisters if you can, surely they see the favoritism.
You can always just have your dad visit you alone if you want to see him. Don’t apologize for anything.
Well, he’s the step-uncle, that’s undeniable, whatever that would look like in the real world, but he’s also just a shitty 13 year old kid who gets babied by his overbearing mother. You speak quite badly of him, you say he’s entitled, but he doesn’t seem to be claiming any responsibility or relation to your baby, she is.
YTA for being an adult who could have handled things better, but mainly for blaming a child for his mother’s problems and actions.
NTA
I think you should ask your father for a family therapy session between him, your stepmom, and you…so a therapist can help you articulate why you have a problem with your stepmom pushing her son to be an uncle when he doesn’t even want to be your friend