I (26F) have been with my (31M) boyfriend for 2 years. We met in California, were long distance for the first year, and then I moved across the country to be with him a few months ago. We now live together. He is a bartender and works in a very drinking heavy industry / area – so I would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried early on that he could have issues with alcohol down the line. It is a big part of his life and very much integrated into the culture of his town.
A few months ago, I was out of town and found out he had gotten incredibly blackout drunk, lied to all of his friends he had gotten an Uber, and made the decision to drive home. His friends told me and when I confronted him he immediately came clean. I was horrified. I am incredibly against drunk driving and was raised to not even consider getting behind the wheel when I feel remotely tipsy. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around why someone would get blackout drunk and their brain would decide driving is a great idea. He risked the lives of others, himself, his career, etc. He woke up the next day incredibly ashamed – he started talking about how he was unhappy with his relationship with alcohol, etc.. I gave him a long speech about how dumb it was (he agreed to every point), and then I ended it on “if this ever happens again, there won’t be a conversation, I don’t care if we live together, I am leaving you and I won’t think twice”. I verbally said this as well as texted it to make sure I had it in writing. I was ashamed, sad, angry, etc. But I felt proud of this boundary and knew it was the only thing I could do to move forward.
Well, fast forward to this weekend. It happened again, and once again when I was out of town and couldn’t “keep an eye on him”. He was texting me and his texts started to not make any sense, I knew he was drinking, and then all the sudden I see a text in our friends group chat saying “Where did (boyfriends name) go? He drove off without saying goodbye”. I come to find out right before this one of our mutual friends had seen he was drunk and offered him a place on his couch for the night. That’s when my boyfriend fled and drove home.
I was and still am in shock. Once again he is saying he is thinking of quitting alcohol. He thinks it has become a problem (but hasn’t used the term alcoholic or alcoholism). I am just so angry.
Why is it such a hard decision as to whether or not to get behind the wheel of a car when you are at your drunkest? Or am I overreacting, am I taking this too seriously?
Couldn’t some part of his mind remember the very clear boundary I set a few months ago? Did he not think I would keep my word or he didn’t care?
If he says we wants to get serious about quitting drinking, does that make up for the previous loss of trust?
Can I forgive him? Can I forgive myself for not standing by my word by staying with him?
I love him, I want to support him, I moved across the country to be with him (uprooting my entire life and support system), I want a future with him. But am I doing the wrong thing by staying?
To make matters worse (or better?) this is all happening with me out of town, and I won’t be back in town for another week. It’s childish, but I haven’t even called him about this, just a few texts. I’m so mad and upset and confused I can’t even bring myself to have a full conversation with him.
TL:DR! Boyfriend drunk drove, I made him promise to never do it again or I would break up with him, he did it again, can I stay?