Yep, that’s pretty much it. Me (27F) and my fiancé (28M) started planning our wedding – only a rough idea – guests, venue, that sort of thing.
Thing is, I really really don’t want to change my surname, and he insists on it. I have more reasons as to why but my main is that my name is just my identity, I feel like I would be giving up a part of myself. I am very proud of my last name – the history behind it is actually pretty cool, it is the name of a certain pagan god which you just don’t always come up on. It is also a connection that I feel to my family members who had already passed, it is a connection to my dad and my brother, both of whom I love dearly.
I also just don’t like the tradition overall, not for some femminist beliefs or anything, I just think it’s stupid and outdated. Lastly, and I am not very close with most of his family, so taking their family name just doesn’t even make sense to me.
I feel like I’ve tried explaining it to my fiancé several times now but he just can’t seem to accept I am very serious about this. He keeps calling me by his surname, doing it in a teasing sort of way, but it honestly just makes me uncomfortable.
I know this might seem stupid to some of yall, and please don’t look for some hidden meaning behind all this – a love my man and I do want to marry him, I don’t have any ulterior motives, and there are no serious issues in our relationship or anything.
I even thought of just putting my foot down and saying “Either I keep my family name, or we just won’t get married.”
So, AITA?
EDIT: I am not US based, I am European, for yall assuming.
Comments
NTA, but if ya’ll can’t work this out then you’re not compatible. IMO, it’s completely valid to want to keep your name. I did and my husband has never given a single fuck about it.
It’s a lot of bother to change your name, and if things work out, it’s a bother to switch it back.
I am divorced and never changed my name. I did add it to my credit cards as a hyphenated name because of credit reasons, but my passport and license remained in my maiden name.
For a while, more women wanted to keep their names, then it swung back a bit. But, it’s still not unheard of, in some countries women keep their names. My cousin in Europe had a special family name and her husband changed to her name, as he had a common name.
I think more conversations are needed. I don’t think he’s really taking you seriously and for what ever reasons, it seems your comments aren’t really sinking in. This is an issue that will carry over into other aspects and should be addressed before you put a ring on it. Couples counselling might be called for.
Best of luck.
NTA – lots of women keep their maiden names because they are in a career where they face clients, and they don’t want to lose that connection. And get this! In Denmark some men take the wife’s surname just because it’s cooler!
But until you two are on the same page, you should postpone the wedding.
I don’t think you or your maybe future spouse is AH. However, you guys need to agree on this before marriage. If this is a hill to die on then don’t marry. It’s as simple as that.
Take it to the logical next step.
Tell him he has to take your surname…and watch him freak out.
NTA
If you’re in the US, tell him you want to make sure you’re able to vote in every election and it’ll be easier to do that if your name keeps matching your birth certificate.
NTA. You’re under no obligation to adhere to that tradition. Only gets potentially confusing when kids are involved for id purposes when signing them out of school etc. But even that is just convenience related.
you’re not wrong for wanting to keep something that feels personal and meaningful to you. it’s not about rejecting him… it’s about holding onto something that makes you feel connected to your roots. your choice doesn’t make you less committed, and he should understand that.
NTA
Don’t marry him.
I’ve been married twice and neither husband needed to view me as property.
I was comfortable with my name.
Never wanted to change it and that was the end of the discussion.
AND this particular marriage has lasted for 30 years so far.
If men 30 and 40 years ago could accept women keeping their names – men today can.
If he doesn’t want to – that’s a him problem. But he’s making it a you problem.
NTA
I was asked to change my name fit my first husband. I was a known person in my career. I worked hard to create a solid career using that name. I was NOT changing my name just to be a Mrs.
I would die on this hill. Because if he can’t give you legit reasons and Its only him pouting because this is what he expects you to do and you better follow mans lead and stop questioning him Op…. Well , I’d nope out.
What do you think any children’s band would be?
Have you talked finances? Vacations? Religion? End of life or medical decisions? What about retirement goals?
To me you need to have a real adult sit down with him and go over Everything you can think of regarding your future.
I wish I had done this with my first spouse.
I absolutely did it with my second.
NTA
Not sure if you are in the US, but keeping your maiden name may be very important if you want to continue to exercise your right to vote in future elections.
When our partners don’t listen to how we want to express our identity, that’s not a problem that gets smaller in time. Stand up for yourself. NTA.
NTA his insistence is stuck in the 1950s
NTA.
He’s an idiot if he can’t understand this.
NTA It is a big deal and something you’ll both have to come to terms about before you get married along with what last name you’ll give to any children you two have. If your name means that much to you, why can’t he take your name?
Nta, at all
This might be a deal breaker for you two, tbh.
I wish I’d kept my “maiden” name. It’s annoying af to change it back.
>I even thought of just putting my foot down and saying “Either I keep my family name, or we just won’t get married.”
Do it.
NTA – not sure if you are in the US but if you are I would absolutely advise against it due to laws that might use the name change to take away your voting rights.
There are a number of dealbreakers in relationships – and his perspective is coming across as a dominating power play with no logical underpinning. Getting to the core of it might reveal ugly truths or insecurities or influence of others … but likely nothing good.
Stand your ground. (and for reference my wife chose to change her name to get away from her family, I had honestly assumed we each keep ours … that was 33 years ago)
Your boyfriend probably just dreamed of having his wife take his name. Neither of you are wrong. But some kind of compromise needs to happen. Maybe you can take his surname as a middle name?
The government is trying to make it so that if your name doesn’t match your birth certificate, then you can’t vote. The current administration does not want women to vote. Think carefully, do your research, and tell fiancé that this is non-negotiable.
NTA. I was 100% on board with my wife not wanting to change her name when we got married, especially knowing that she had been divorced once and worked so hard to reclaim it. FWIW, she did end up changing her mind and changing it a few months after the wedding, but that was completely her decision and I never once asked her to. A coerced choice is no choice at all.
Perhaps just don’t bother getting married? If this is a dealbreaker for both of you, then avoid the deal. You are happy and compatible aside from this, so just avoid the whole problem. NTA
NTA. You don’t say how long he’s been aware of your choice to keep your name. Hopefully, he’s still just getting used to the idea and he’ll calm down. Maybe some of his friends can bring him around to the idea. Try to get him out of the house to talk about it with others so he’s not just stuck in his head about it.
I told my hubby I wasn’t going to take his last name because my son had my last name. He overcame that issue by insisting he wanted to adopt my son. He did. I have his last name. Son has his last name. Son married a woman who wasn’t going to change her name for the same reason, so he adopted her son and they all have the same name. Daughter married a guy from Korea whose last name is difficult to pronounce, so he took her last name.
NTA, if he’s so concerned about y’all having the same last name he should take yours.
NTA
But if y’all can’t agree on a name, what’s the plan when y’all can’t agree on serious topics?
NTA. And him dismissing clear statements about your intentions and your identity is a pretty big issue. There is no “either I keep my name or we’re not getting married.” It’s, “my name is not changing. When you say things that suggest I will have your name, I feel like you’re not hearing me and not respecting me. That needs to stop.”
Completely valid to want to keep your name. I’ve had several engagements fail over this when the chap I was engaged to, just couldn’t get his head round the idea. Looking back it was a good thing as none of these relationships would have worked out. Coming up on 18 years married to a great guy who didn’t bat an eyelid when I said I wouldn’t be changing my name when we wed. He wasn’t expecting me to.
NTA but you’d better not marry him. He will never stop resenting you not changing your name. N E V E R. Save yourself a decade or two of strife and pull the plug now.
Likewise, if you cave in you’ll resent him. This is a no-win situation.
Many people choose to keep their names, hyphenate, or even create new names together. The tradition of women automatically taking the man’s name is definitely a relic. This is your personal choice, and it should be respected.
NTA. It’s 2025 there should be no expectation for a woman to change her name, men should be open to changing their name.
I kept my name and it didn’t bother my husband at all. I felt the same as you. It is my identity and his name is his identity.
I personally see it as a sign of maturity if a guy doesn’t mind his wife having her own identity.
NTA. This could be a symptom of a bigger issue. Consider carefully whether or not you actually want to marry someone like this.
NTA – Start calling him Mr YourLastName in a teasing way. See if that gets a reaction from him. Stay Strong. Don’t change your name if you don’t want to.
NTA. It’s your name.
NTA, and I agree with others his insistence on your taking his last name might be red flaggy and you should def want to dig into that.
Here’s a compromise idea if it helps, it’s what i did when i got married (I am in the States, tho i feel like this can work anywhere). I kept my original full name (first middle last) but added my husbands last name to the end of the list (so, first middle last husbandlast). I can legally use either my maiden name or my married name. This way i can use his names with the kid’s school stuff but mine for everything else and i feel like i got to keep my identity but just add to it. Not sure if that would/ could work for you but just figured I’d share jic
Everyone, and I mean everyone, dogpiled on me about my name when I got married, and I cracked under the pressure.
To this day I still harbor a little resentment that I was treated as dramatic for not wanting to give up my name.
I have daughters now, and I have told them bluntly that they do not have to change their names if they don’t want to. I won’t let them be pushed around the way I was.
So if you want to keep your name, do it. But I’m betting at this point your fiancé is playing chicken expecting you’ll blink and cave once the vows are said.
NTA – If he can’t accept and honor this, he’s not for you, as he’ll continue to “make fun”, or belittle, what is important to you. A compromise would be that he also took your name.
Why are you marrying someone to whom your wishes and opinions don’t matter? NTA but you will be to marry him without a serious attitude adjustment on his end. Are you to have say in where you live? Are you to have no say in naming and raising possible children? This isn’t just about a name it’s about his attitude towards your relationship.
NAH.
You can keep your name and he can find someone else who is on the same page as he is.
NTA and I say that as someone who did change their name. I had a step kid so it did make doctors and school
Meetings easier BUT almost 10 years later we are still finding stuff we need to change my name on. It’s truly a hassle.
I got married just over three years ago and still haven’t changed my last name legally. On Facebook and instagram, I am first name, legal last name, husband’s last name.
On linked in, I am first name legal last name. My email address is first name, legal last name. I created a Gmail with first name, husband’s last name, and do not use it.
There are pros to changing your last name – for example, my husband is my emergency contact, but we have different last names. I have to tell my doctors that we are legally married (have to undergo a procedure every year where I am under anesthesia) despite having different last names. The older nurses don’t understand, and the younger ones nod their heads in complete understanding.
I haven’t changed my name both for professional reasons and sentimental reasons. It’s my identity, as you say. But whatever your reason is – your identity, your nostalgia, etc – it is a valid reason.
Btw my mother in law, who is a medical professional, never changed her name either. Said all of her degrees hanging in her office reflect her maiden name. She’s been married to my father in law for 45 years and never once thought about changing her name.
Do what is right for you. If he won’t listen to your reasoning, I hope he listens when you show him the door.
YNTAH.
NTA, but I think you might be moving towards the relationship ending. This isn’t so small different in opinion, this is a fundamental belief issue.
I’m am most concerned that he is pushing back on this. I am engaged and will not be changing my name legally, for a lot of reasons( like my name matching my birth certificate cause apparently that matters now in the us) my fiancé is totally understanding about this. It definitely is giving red flags that yours is not.
NTA
Why is it so important you have his name? I know it supposed to be tradition but why is it important to him?
NTA Princess Banana-hammock. Iykyk 🙂
But seriously, he gets absolutely no say in your name. Him “demanding” it would be a deal breaker for me.
NTA I didn’t change my surname, I have a career established with my name, and I never wanted to change it because anyway because it’s quite unique. My husband didn’t care, he just wanted us to be married and legally family. He even considered changing his.
I think this will unfortunately be a deal-breaker if you’re both set in your decisions.
NTA, it’s your name. If he has such an issue with it you probably need to take a closer look at other areas where he is trying exert control.
Don’t take your husbands name. You aren’t property. Tell him if he wants that to time travel back to another century.
Start calling him by your surname until he stops.
NTA. Everything you have done and accomplished is under your name, and if you change it, all of that history is disconnected from you. It’s unfair that women are expected to give up their past for a future with a man, but most men are never willing to do the same.
NTA but I will say it meant a lot to my partner, so I hyphenated. I still use just my maiden name at work because all my degrees are under my maiden name, but for social things, cards, etc. I use his last name and he still smiles when he sees it. I don’t get it tbh, but I am glad I made the compromise
Q: Is this a hill you are willing to die on? Is this a hill your SO is willing to die on? Think thru the implications of either answer. Know the answer from SO. Ask him directly & bluntly.
That said, I am a guy and I get your point. My wife got her PhD before we met, and wanted to keep her name. It never occurred to me to argue it.
NTA
Is there a possibility to keep both ? German women are renowned for cluster names .
Info: are you planning on a family? If so, what name are you both expecting them to have?
NTA BTW just curious
I changed my last name after him harassing me for 2 years about it. The name is horrible. It’s been 18 years since my divorce and I’m still stuck with this name because it’s a hassle to change it back. It’s a big regret for me. NTA
NTA – if he’s not willing to consider changing his name, expecting you to change yours is a sexist double standard. Insisting that you change yours is controlling.
My wife didn’t want my dumb last name. We explored hyphenating or combining names but they all seemed clumsy or goofy. She eventually went with taking mine. It wasn’t like we argued or I put my foot down, but it’s been many years and looking back I feel a little bad, I should have suggested or been more accepting of her keeping her own last name. It was just “what you do” in my mind. You’re NTA for wanting to keep the name you’ve always had and that connection with your family.
Keeping your last name is much easier when it comes to divorce time.
Yes, you should put your foot down and tell him that if he doesn’t stop “teasing” you (he’s actually harassing you to try to wear you down) then you shouldn’t get married. NTA. It’s your name. No one gets to decide what your name is other than you.
My husband said a hyphenated last name would be professional.
24 years later I am now going by my husband’s popular last name now.
Way too difficult. 😞
NTAH. This is an issue that falls almost exclusively on women, and therefore many men never even consider the hassles attached with changing one’s name.
You’re not wrong to not want to deal with it. If he insists on making an issue of your choice, he’s got some issues to address before he’s grown enough to be married.
OP, he’s showing you who he is and what he thinks of you. Pay attention and respond accordingly.
I told my husband if he wanted to share a name, he could take mine. He opted to keep his, I kept mine, and we’ve survived 13 years and 2 kids with no problems whatsoever.
NTA but you need to be direct about it like you were saying at the end- hey fiance, no joke, I am not taking your name. If thats a big problem we may have to discuss our marriage going forward.
NTA
According to my mother I was 6 when I told her I wouldn’t change my name. And I didn’t.
I’m still married.
I didn’t ask permission. It wasn’t a discussion. It’s my name, my choice.
Ask him to take your name. If he’s so nonchalant about you changing yours, he can change his. NTA
NOT THE ASSHOLE. Major red flag on his part in my opinion.
NTA, but you better nip this in the budd. It’s not for him to decide, all he can do is support you in your choice.
You need to have a calm make or break conversation about it. But you and only you can decide! If he cannot accept that, that is just the beginning of a potentially very miserable life…
Nta. But this is a hill I would die on. This totally outdated tradition started when a woman stopped being her father’s property and became her husband’s property. That’s why the father “gives the bride away.” If he doesn’t understand this, he thinks about you as more like you’re property instead of as an equal partner.
NTA and it’s not stupid at all!! It’s an outdated practice that had to do with women being property.
Please don’t let him talk you into changing your name. He’s being unreasonable.
You should be more important to him than his pride and ego.
There is no good reason for you to change your name.
NTA
OP, you’re not compatible with him. Period. End of. He’s not accepting your feelings nor acknowledge it.
He’s disregarding what you think & feel about yourself as a person.
OP, this is a deal breaker that he’s trying to force you into a surname that isn’t yours.
Where in Europe do they use yall?
ESH, compromise is the key to marriage, Hyphen names are so common, I know people with three last names and four middle names that are the family names.
It’s weird to want to marry someone but not be willing to compromise.
I changed my BEAUTIFUL Irish name and his took his horrible German sounding last name. He never appreciated it, social security is a bitch, nobody could pronounce the damn name.
Fwiw, the majority of the kids in my upper middle class town have parents over 35 years old and the majority of those Mother’s did NOT change their name. Believe me, I noticed. LoL.
The Mothers all have different last names than the kids and the kids don’t give a shite.
it’s old fashioned and not important anymore. The OP isn’t CATTLE, it’s ridiculous to change your name.
Can you start calling him your last name, you know, teasing? 😈
I took my husband’s last name. Literally the only reason I did so is cause my maiden name is also a very common first name. (Think like. Mary or Paul being your last name) And my first name is very uncommon. So people would basically just ignore it or treat it like my last name. It SUCKED. Now that my last name is an actual surname, I get mail addressed to me correctly, when people at medical appointments address me, they actually use my proper first name. Prefilled forms are filled in correctly now. My new checks arrived with the correct name in the correct order, it’s great. I basically jumped at the opportunity to change it for free without offending my parents.
My husband didn’t care. His mom and none of his aunts changed their names. He was fully supportive one way or another. But we talked about it before we got engaged. I feel like changing your name can be a big deal for a lot of people, and that’s something you need to agree on BEFORE the ring.
NTA
I empathize with your identity attachment. I would not like to give up my last name, and I feel my mother should never have surrendered hers.
This patriarchal model of taking the males last name is archaic, despite being very common. I am an older man who wishes my daughter could have kept her name, at least with a hyphen between her surname and his. She achieved so much with her name identity intact, and she has had achievements after marrying, but under a different name.
Good luck with your dilemma. If you succeed, you may expect his family to be even more traditional in their response to your keeping your last name. But you don’t have to live with them, ideally.
So what else does he think he has the right to demand? How many children you’ll have, what names they have. If you’ll stay at home with them. Who will do the housework, the life admin…
NTA
But this is an irreconcilable difference. If you give in to him on this you lose your authentic identity, and if he gives in on his position then he loses his dream of being Mr and Mrs Lastname. There isn’t a middle ground on this one, somebody has to give something up. If you’re determined to keep your name, which is your right, you may have to move on to a different partner who will happily accept that you want to keep your name.
You will have to be blunt with him and tell him that your last name isn’t going anywhere so if he can’t get on board with that you can’t marry him.
NTA….and clearly he is not being respectful of your desire and need to keep your name. What else isn’t he being respectful of?
NTA. I didn’t change my name and my husband never made it a thing. You might not be compatible though. No right or wrong, just different.
I’ve been married over 20 years and kept my name.
My husband never cared, honestly not sure why men care at all except for a long history of male priviledge.
NTA
NTA. Mock up something (wedding announcement, business card, etc.) where he’s listed as Mr. [your surname] and ask him how he feels seeing his family name erased. Or don’t, I’m petty. But it seems like he can’t/won’t see your side of things. You should also ask yourself if this is part of a bigger pattern of behavior or a one off thing.
I was married to my late husband for many, many years. I took his name because it was expected back then. I always regretted it. Like you, my name was and still is my identity.
If it’s that important to him that you have the same last night maybe you can come to a compromise.
Ask if he’s consider taking your name.
If not, ask why.
Now he understands your perspective so there’s no more discussion to be had.
NTA. Wish I hadn’t taken my ex-husband’s last name. Now I have to go through all kinds of nonsense to get a real ID.
If he knows how you feel and still insists, he doesn’t sound like he respects you.
NTA. One’s name is extremely important and personal. There are some compromises that could be made. Legally and professionally, you could retain your own surname, while socially you go by his name (e.g., invitations would be addressed to Mr. and Mrs. HisName). Also, you could agree that your children would have his surname. Another option would be to use both names—not hyphenated. Just tack his name on behind your name. But no matter what you choose, you are NTA.
NTA.
I didn’t change my name.
You’re not his property.
I wouldn’t say you’re an Asshole for this. Just Don’t get married. Relationships (Marriage especially) is about making sacrifices for one another. Accepting your partner for all their facets.
You love a traditional-minded man. I’m not sure how this is surprising to you that he’d ask you to change your name.
Go be single. Be Independent You. Let the world know your name. Shout it from the rooftops. Cuddle it at night. Tell it your hard days and share with it your warm and touching moments.
When a woman criticizes the size of the diamond in her ring setting, she doesn’t love him. She loves things.
I hope you hold your ground on this one – to the point of calling the wedding off. No one cares that you are European, it’s not that bad. Can you imagine what a prick this guy will be after the wedding?!
I changed my name, and it is my biggest regret. I didn’t think I’d care, because I felt no affinity for my maiden name (dad’s name and I have no relationship with his side of the family), but I just csnt get used to having a different name, and it’s been 11 years. I’m going to change it back this year.
NTA I got married last year and am so glad I didn’t change my name for lots of feminist reasons but also for the amount of paperwork I saved myself. I have to renew my driver’s license this year and its much much simpler because my name is the same as its always been.
That said I made no announcements about it and members of his family have addressed plenty of cards to me with his last name. Its fairly common that women keep their name legally but use their husband’s name “socially” ie among friends and family. If this is a hill you’re both going to die on that might be the best compromise.
NTA. Nothing wrong with keeping your name. If there was something wrong with it, why do almost all men do it?
I got to this after your edit, but maybe the use of “y’all” makes people think US south east.
Time to seriously rethink this marriage. NTA. Start calling him by your last name. See how he feels.
If I’m being completely honest, I felt like yout husband about this. And, even if you can get past this then I’d want my kids to have last name. It’d be a complete deal breaker for me. Call what you want.
But it’s certainly your right to want to keep your name. NTA.
NTA.
I’m UK based. We have a similar name taking tradition. But it isn’t absolute. If you want your name he should respect that.
I’ve been married to my wife 10 years and we still joke half her things are in one name and half the other. It’s not a big thing and shouldn’t be.
Your identity is just as important.
My daughter has joined her name with her partner’s.
Good luck.
I think you just make it clear your surname stays. And he can change to yours. Will your kids have your surname as well? You probably should touch on that before the wedding too… But remember you both are starting a new family together. Maybe a beat compromise would be coming up with entirely new surname for both of you as a symbol of staring new life together.
I like my last name, but it is VERY commonly mispronounced and mispelled. My mom didn’t take my dad’s name, he doesn’t care.
I told my fiancée that I would be flattered if she wanted to take my last name, but I wouldn’t mind if she decided to keep her own either.
She’s planning on taking my last name, which I am pleasantly surprised by, but if she said she wanted to keep hers, I wouldn’t have said anything other than “Ok, cool, no worries.”
you built your life under your name and it’s a pain to change it. either you both change or you keep your names simple as that and nta
Of course you’re NTA. I didn’t change mine either. Husband-to-be pouted for a split second until he realised there was no good reason for it (we’re childfree even so even less potential for confusion) and he wouldn’t change his name so could not in good faith ask me to change mine. When there’s no reason other than “tradition” then I don’t think anyone really has the justification to get het up about it.
NTA- It’s your name once you change it and you should like the name you have. He needs to let go of his fragile masculinity.
NTA, but also nor is he. A lot of men feel very strongly about this, so be aware that you could well lose the relationship if you stick to your guns. If its still worth keeping your name to you, then insist but my inkling is he will leave.
No reason why you cannot be Jane Maiden Name professionally (and legally) and Jane Married Name socially. Just need to figure out future kids last name.
NTA, it sounds like ya’ll REALLY aren’t compatible though. Are you SURE you want to marry someone that refuses to listen to explanations and be totally narrow minded? Tell him EXACTLY what you said here “Either I keep my family name, or we don’t get married. It’s that simple
Call him Mr (your last name) every time he does it to you
NTA.
Man here. No problem w my spouse keeping her name. She’ll never be Italian and I’ll never be Chinese! Kid has both names. He deserves his mixed heritage as much as we deserve our own.
You say you’ve “even thought of putting your foot down on this”…
Is it at all possible you’re giving him the impression that this isn’t very serious to you?
Based on the beginning of your post, I would think you would have put your foot down already.
And you absolutely should.
NTA he’s sexist AF and that is a 🚩. Especially if he insists kids get his surname. It’s not little at all. Sexist views like this bleed into other areas and before you know it you’ve been ground down and in his control.
This shouldn’t even be an issue up for discussion. Children’s surnames yes but not yours. It should be assumed you keep your name. Women’s makes shouldn’t be disposable.
He INSISTS??? Lol, no, he doesn’t get to insist. It’s YOUR choice. Period. NTA.
NTA. I never changed my name for a variety of reasons but the biggest one was I just didn’t want to. My hubs (of 25+ years so no ulterior motives either) didn’t particularly care one way or the other as long as any children had his surname. I was OK with that but one does have my name as their middle name.
Why is he so insistent on this? You’ve laid out very good reasons why you don’t want to do it but the biggest reason should just be “I don’t want to”. Why can’t he accept that as good enough?
With the number of kids born to unmarried women who have their name and the number of blended families, it’s becoming less the norm that every person in a “family” has the same surname.
NTA. If your man is insisting on you giving up your identity, then you may want to rethink this relationship. It does not bode well for your future. I got married 35 years ago. My husband did not care one iota that I did not change my name.
I have news for you – you (female) being as important an individual as him (male) is actually feminism.
him saying your identity is less important than his identity – that patriarchy
So if you believe you are an equal human being – you are indeed a feminist
You are welcome to say NO to feminism and become the Trad wife he is looking for …
NTA
Incredible insecure and shallow fiance. Think hard if this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.
Taking the man’s surname on marriage is a tradition rooted in patriarchy and ownership, it’s your name – if your fiancé has a problem with it, you have a fiancé problem.
NTA. I think it’s pretty reasonable to be uncomfortable with someone ignoring your wishes and your very valid reasoning.
“Me keeping my last name takes nothing away from you. So, why are you so obsessed with taking my identity away from me?”
I didn’t change my surname for all the aforementioned reasons. I told my husband I’m not (fake names) Samantha Hislastname, I’m Samantha Mylastname. If he had really pushed it we wouldn’t be married. Anyone who can’t respect my personal autonomy is not someone I want to marry.
I would suggest marriage counseling on this so he knows how dead serious and important this is to you.
Fair, what about him taking your name?
Girl, put your foot down.
I wanted my wife to take my last name, she said she’d think about it. I didn’t bring it up again until about a week after the wedding because she showed me her new ID with my last name. If she had not chosen to change it, that was her choice. I was happy she did, but if she hadn’t- I was marrying the person, not the name.
NTA but there is a third option. He could take your name. When my husband and I got married, he insisted that we have the same last name (his SIL kept her last name and it didn’t sit right with him). Our names were both too long to make hyphenation a viable option. So he said I could take his last name, he could take mine, or we could both make up a new one together. He didn’t care and left it up to me.
Insisting that you give up part of your identity, seems like an indication of toxic masculinity. If his belief, that you must abide by wishes about this, will not be the last time he will expect you to be “less than”. I know that you don’t think the reason is due to feminist beliefs, but wanting to have agency & the right to choose your own name, is about as feminist as you’re gonna get.
Better luck with your next fiance
NTA and, yes, tell him very clearly that you are keeping your surname or you won’t be getting married. How he reacts will determine whether the relationship is worth continuing.
This is the kind of thing that should be discussed even before an engagement occurs. Kind of like whether or not you both want to have kids, or where you want to settle down and live. Those compatibility things should be known before he even asks the question.
NTA but if he can’t learn to accept your choice you may be incompatible and have to consider either couples therapy, or going your own separate ways.
Jesus Christ, the only acceptable answer to your soon to be wife when she says “I want to keep my last name” is “OK.”. Because it is 2025. NTA.
Put your foot down.
Are your kids going to have his last name? That would be more important to men.
NTA – I didn’t take my husband’s surname either. I didn’t want to be saddled with stupid Bourne Identity jokes for the rest of my life 😑
I (F) kept my last name and told my fiancé (M) – and everyone else who asked – that I was fine with him keeping his last name. People laughed but acknowledged that it did seem crazy that only women were expected to change part of their name just because they got married. Remember – tradition is just peer pressure from dead people.
You may want to sit down and have a real specific conversation about what he envisions your roles will be in the future. Especially if you plan to have children. These teasing comments about your last name may hide a much more traditional view on how much of the workload you will be expected to shoulder. And how he envisions his role as a husband. I dated quite a few men who thought that it was great that I was educated and had a high paying job but of course I would be expected to quit if we had children or his job wanted him to relocate.
NTA
A linguistics professor I had said “Names are so important that everybody has one.” A person’s name is, in a very real sense, their identity.
Have a think about how your relationship has been so far — how have differences of opinion played out? If compromises are made who gives the most ground, and is there a pattern to it?
If you give in to this you may end up resenting him for it. He may also see it as permission to start demanding you give up other things until you become a reflection of him and his idea of who you should be, rather than who you really are.
I suggest a chat with a good relationship counsellor. They may be able to help the two of you get to the heart of things and come to a mutually agreeable solution.
I mean….how is this even a discussion. It’s YOUR surname, so YOU decide. He’s really pushing it by assuming he has anything to say at all. 🤷🏻♀️
nta but this is problematic for the long- term, because one of you is going to resent the other.
A marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship. Refuse any more wedding talk, until you can agree on the issue. Talk about what names your children will carry. He should care about how you feel about these things. I took my husband’s name, both my daughters took my maiden name, and my son didn’t bat an eyelash when his fiance said she was keeping her name.
Good luck.
NTA. My mom didn’t take my dad’s last name because they were in medical school, and she had always dreamed of being “Dr. Maidenname.” They’ve been together for almost 40 years and are still happy.
Ultimately, it’s your name. You decide.
That makes perfect sense!
NTA. These things are called deal breakers for a reason. You have to decide if it is one or not for you, and then make sure he understands it.
I caved with “If you don’t change your name then the wedding’s off.” That marriage lasted 2 years. Even the priest warned me he was controlling but I just didn’t see it at the time. NTA. Coincidentally I went to a wedding where the officiant explained the law (in that country) regarding the woman’s married name: basically it’s her choice. Whatever she decides.