TL;DR: My boyfriend of two years used to talk about marriage all of the time but now says there isn’t a rush. Should I be concerned?
I’m sure I will miss some details but I will try to be as direct as possible, since I know this question is asked a lot..
I met my partner 2 1/2 years ago over Hinge when I was 30 years old. I had basically given up on love and then boom.. he appeared. He was persistent, loving, and considerate. He planned our first date meticulously and I fell for him quickly. He was very intentional about pursuing me and wanted us to be in a relationship. We are extremely compatible, playful, and close together. I consider him my best friend and someone I want to spend life with.
About 2 or 3 months into our relationship, we moved in together. That’s how strong the connection was. He mentioned he wanted to propose to me by the end of the year. He brought this up frequently. We looked at rings (by his request) and also looked at wedding venues. We gave my mother a date, as well as my extended family. We picked out my engagement ring as well.
Well… things got rocky financially. I quit my high-paying job to pursue my artistic career (which we discussed and he encouraged), and everything was fine, but THEN he was laid off from his high-paying job. And things became rough. Understandably so. All of sudden, engagements and weddings were not the priority. Which I understand. It was a stressful period for the relationship.
However, in September 2024, he got a job as a teacher. Not his ideal. And he has to commute 2 hours each day to this job. It’s taxing on him, and some days he enjoys it, but I know it’s a lot. I took on another job doing marketing at a theater. I love the work but I’m definitely paid less.
But, we have officially come back to a state of normalcy and are both employed. We’re not making as much as we used to but we’re comfortable. We have been taking trips, eating out again, etc,. We bought a car together as well. We also share ALL of our expenses. Which was a big leap for me and something I was hesitant on. All of our money goes into one account which we spend out of.
So, a few months ago, I brought up the marriage thing again. He seemed into it but not as enthusiastic as before. He kept saying there was no rush and clearly he’s committed to me and loves me. He said he’s not going anywhere and we can get married on our own terms and at any point.
Okay. That’s fine. But it was a very different tone from how he was 2 years ago. Sporadically, he has asked me about rings. But he is always showing me rings that are not the ring we picked out. It’s just confusing.
This confusion has created a panic within me that never existed before. My mother has been very confused as well, and even my friends. They all expected us to be married by now because of how much we discussed it 2 years ago. So, I told him I wanted to get married because we live together, share all of our finances together, own a car together, etc,. . He agreed but kept saying “What’s the rush?”. Again, all of this is very opposite of before.
After a few really intense arguments, he said “Fine. If this is really important to you, let’s go to the courthouse and do it”. So, I said, “Okay. Let’s do it.” I started planning and told him about it but THEN he freaked out and said he isn’t ready yet. I got really upset and started crying. He hugged me and apologized and again said, “We have forever. Why rush? I’m just not ready now.”
Also, he said he feels like I am robbing him of proposing to me if we go to the courthouse. He wants it to be a magical experience that happens when there is a “spark” of some sort.
Meanwhile, he appears to be extremely happy in our relationship. He’s very affectionate, always telling me he loves me, and is very devoted.
So, I’m just feeling very confused and this whole thing has become painful for me and doesn’t feel secure. I have always felt secure with him. I keep trying to let this go and suppress my feelings but I am fearful. Am I overreacting?