Hi guys. I’m looking for some advice or input or perspective. I don’t know. My boyfriend of two and a half years and I have a joint account for last minute things or emergencies that we opened up last year in June. He put $1500 in there initially and at the time I was trying to catch up on my debt so I didn’t have anything to contribute. Before my birthday last year he paid to take me on a trip and told me I could use the money in that account to shop for what I need before the trip. He told me not to worry about it, it was for me, but I did reassure him that I would replace the money. I don’t usually ever ask for money, I didn’t even ask to go shopping with that fund, he did. At the time I had debt to catch up on and didn’t have the money to prepare for a trip. The only time I asked to use the fund was last year when our A/C broke and I asked him if I could take $500 out. Again I was catching up on credit card debt and did not want to keep adding to it. However I did tell him the money would get replaced, he never made it an urgency or placed a time limit on when that money should get replaced. So I was focusing on credit card debt. And then Christmas came around and I went into a little more debt. By the time we were filing our taxes this year, I told him I would replace the money in our account once I got my return. Then one morning when I go into work, I receive paragraphs about how he really needs me to replace the money in the account because he was counting on using some of that money to hold him over until his new job started. Meanwhile I have a money transfer processing to get put into the joint account. We got into an argument about it, because I felt it was disrespectful for him to repeat something we already had a conversation about especially when he knew the payment was pending and especially while I was at work. Later on he apologized and said money wasn’t the issue and he wouldn’t do that again.
Fast forward, he takes me to go see his family for his birthday and his younger brother’s birthday. He bought the tickets, he knew I was going to pay him back for the tickets next paycheck. His family paid for most things while we were there, including the hotel. And he paid for some things while we were there. We both spent probably $500 each just on the trip and preparing for it, excluding the tickets. I did not have time to get any surprise together for his birthday because I knew we were going to see his family. But I did ask him prior to leaving if we could celebrate just us afterwards to which he agreed. Now when we got back home, he made a comment on the drive home that he spent $500 of his own money on his birthday and was saying how I could’ve done something for him to show him I care. This pissed me off and we had a whole argument on the way back, again about money. He kept saying how I borrowed money and didn’t give it back (referring to the joint account which was replaced at that point) and how he still spent money on his birthday and if he can pay for things with his credit then why can’t I, etc. I spent $500 for that trip too, paid for food for him, his brother and I, got his brother a birthday present, paid for parking one of the days we went somewhere with his family, got my nails done for his birthday, etc. and we were planning on something just us when we got back.
I felt so gaslit. He never placed a time limit on the joint account to get replaced and he made it seem like using the money in there wasn’t a big deal, although I only used it a couple of times and the first time he insisted I go shopping. And every time I told him the money would get replaced. Again I am not the type to ask for money, the only time I asked was to fix our A/C unit. I needed to catch up on my debt. He was aware all my paychecks were going towards my debt until I was caught up. And then I get caught up and pay him back and he starts making me feel bad. I was never raised to ask people for money, my parents were never like that so they didn’t raise me to be that way.
TL;DR: Boyfriend is making me feel bad about money, although he was aware since June of last year I have been trying to catch up on credit card debt. He has never placed urgency on paying him back, I’ve always made a mental note that once I catch up I would pay him back. Also brings up spending money on both of our tickets to see his family this month, which he knows we’re going half on and I would pay him back when I get paid this week. Only time I asked him for money ever was for our A/C unit, the rest of the times he is the one who insisted and didn’t make it seem like a big deal. And I always offer to go half on things, sometimes we do and other times he says it’s no big deal he’ll pay for it.
Comments
This is about so much more than money and you don’t see that. It’s that he doesn’t feel like a priority. It sounds like you both need to communicate more openly and maybe make more joint plans for the future.
Aside from that, are you making progress on the debt? How much more do you have? What expenses in the home are you covering? How does they compare to his?
Don’t spend any more money on him. Just end the relationship. Communication won’t help because he has demonstrated he is not trustworthy with his words. He says one thing but then does another.
Also you spent $500 going to see his family. You wouldn’t be doing that if it weren’t for him. You could be tackling your debt, as you should.
And that was both of your’s AC, right?
Things would be easier single at this point.