TL/DR: boyfriend had an inappropriate conversation with a female friend of his, and I still feel like he is lying and hiding something.
Good morning!
My boyfriend and I (both mid thirties) have been together for over a year (long distance relationship where we live about an hour away from each other). Up until this point, and even now, he has been absolutely wonderful. However, I found something out a couple weeks ago. That is still not sitting well with me.
Few weeks ago, we were having a casual conversation when I get a notification from my home security system about activity in the backyard. It ended up being a stray cat, and I showed him the video of it. He ended up being very surprised by the fact that I had a camera in my backyard (he knows that I have a home security system and the camera is pretty obvious). So I decided to look through my notification history during the time that he was housesitting while I was out of town for a few days (about a week before this event took place). In that video, I saw that he was texting a female friend that I know about, she happens to be a waitress at a strip club, and having a conversation that I consider inappropriate unless there is complete transparency between you and your partner.
In that conversation, she was sending half naked photos of herself getting ready for work, which I completely understand since She’s sending that to everybody to try to drum up a little bit of business. What I had a problem with is how my boyfriend responded. He would respond “damn, looking good”, “I would make bad choices”, etc. now, this is obviously all that I could see from there five minute text conversation on that video.
The next day after finding that out I confronted him on it. He obviously was super apologetic, said it meant nothing and how they always talked like that beforehand so he didn’t think of how it would come across, yada yada yada. We talked it out because he immediately texted her ending their friendship, blocked her, and answered any questions that I had.
The thing is, after sitting with the information longer, I feel like he’s still hiding stuff. I feel like you have to be completely aloof to not realize how inappropriate that is while in a relationship. He and I have both been cheated on multiple times by past partners, so I know that he knows how much monogamy means to me. Also, shortly before I found all of that out, he and I had had a conversation clearly articulating what our individual boundaries were with how we communicated with members of the opposite gender.
There are no other specific reasons for why I don’t trust him, like I said he has been absolutely wonderful and open and honest and transparent about everything else. However, something isn’t sitting right with me. Sorry if this was all over the place, I don’t know what I’m looking for, open to all comments, whether it’s in support of his actions or it validates my feelings of how suspicious this looks
Comments
Girl. This behavior is completely inappropriate at his grown age? Especially since you guys are monogamous. Why would he first of all get the number from and and continue to text her.
He was only apologizing because he got caught not because he was actually sorry. Imagine if this kept going? How far would it have gone? How far has it gone which you don’t know.
If your boyfriend is going after just that’s not your boyfriend that’s everyone’s boyfriend. Despite all the other good qualities the fact that you and HIM got cheated on in the past makes his behavior unjustifiable.
I don’t mean to project but I had an ex which texted behind my back also and he claimed he got cheated on before. After w broke up I contacted his ex who allegedly cheated on him and it turns out he was the one that cheated and texted women behind her back.
I’m just saying your boyfriend might be the same. You should leave imo. Do better for yourself and find someone who is LOYAL.
Everyones dynamic is different. I’m not going to say his actions were inappropriate, my girl points other women out to me and says they are hot. Shit, I had a massage the other day to help my shoulder and she told me I should have gotten the happy ending! These sorts of things are discussed, or implied at least. If you haven’t discussed/implied you’d be OK with that behaviour, it should be assumed not to do it in a normal monogamous relationship!
You need to decide what you feel comfortable with, and if you aren’t comfortable you need to voice that and set that boundary. Seems like you have…but if you’re sitting with this feel of distrust now, you can either confront it or ignore it.
Ignoring may cause those feelings to manifest stronger and get in the way of your relationship, whereas confrontation might well lead to breaking up, at the very least it will be excrutiatingly awkward to say “Hey I don’t believe you about X, so I need Y and Z reassurances.”
Trust is an ultimatum for me. If I don’t trust you, I don’t want you in my life, nevermind as my partner! Decide how you feel, choose to die on that hill and proceed. If he’s a good man then hopefully he isn’t cheating, but you should 100% find out for sure and not budge on your feelings/emotions. They matter.
Completely inappropriate and I personally label it as cheating. I know some people wouldn’t but that’s my boundary. And yes where there is one rat there are hundreds more you can’t see. Just like lies.
I think i would label it cheating, because he knows he crossed that line himself and into the murky waters of cheating. He had an inappropriate conversation with this friend- while you were away. Was it going to end had you called him out?
If he shows you who are, believe him. Don’t let love blind you. I do believe in strong ultimatums and boundaries because the kinder you are, the more he will walk over you again.
Trust your gut. Don’t trust the cheater