I hoped I would never have to post on here but here we are.
I 26M have been in a relationship with my partner 25F for 10 years now.
I could of years ago she got into some debt she didn’t tell me about £5k to be precise. I found out but only after asking and asking and asking about it she didn’t even tell me the full amount. I helped her pay it off.
About a month ago I notice some of my money was missing from our joint bills account. I mentioned it to her and she denied knowing about it.
I notice it again, asked her again with. She denied it. But then I said “I know youre lying. I read the statements that you took my money”
She apologised and said she felt embarrassed to ask for money which I get and forgave her.
But tonight I’m working nights to cover work shortage. I come home to her laptop open so admittedly I took a look at her history. And found a page from a bank saying she had been accepted for a loan! Now idk how much it is.
How do I go about with this my trust is been broken yet again. I love her so incredibly much but this is really pushing me to my limit.
I told her how am I meant to trust you when she took from me.
Just really need some help atm. I don’t wanna see this end 🙁 im heart broken
TLDR:
She hid credit. Took from me and hiding a loan from me. What do I do?
Comments
Why does she need loans? For something specific? Have you ever thought that she is hiding something more serious from you than a loan? Maybe she got into a dark story?
Pull the string on where the money is going. She may need additional help somewhere else. The lack off management on her part indicates something potentially worse in the future.
The lying always leads to more. If you can no longer trust her maybe it’s time to end the relationship.
Since you might not have given her any consequences in the past she has no reason to fear any lies in the future.
That’s a tough one… The best is to just ask her bluntly: Why are you taking out loans without discussing this? That’s a commitment we both have to carry.
Need more context. Does she work? If not, why not? Do you have kids? 10 years is along time to be together and still be using phrases like “my money” so I’m curious to know more.
You have a joint account she stole from?
If you can’t trust a partner, then why are you with them?
Well, I won’t be able to promise you that everything will be fine. Lying is a huge red flag for sure.
But I will give you some perspective : in life, and in relationships especially, there are “stages”, that couples try to reach ; it comes through challenges, bought on our way here and there.
It’s been 10 years … but it seems like the communication between you two didn’t reach the stage where she could talk to you about this issue.
So here is my point : maybe you could “use” this opportunity to improve on that ? Maybe it won’t save the relationship, but it would for sure help you in the future ; building trust with our significant other is a tough journey, and I believe that we all should seize all opportunities to grow on this.
Here is a suggestion of “framework” that can be used for efficient communication :
The structure of the discussion:
Rules to follow :
– keeps it short (less than 2min for each part –> less than 5min for the whole thing)
– don’t start a sentence with “you” ; keep saying “I” –> less room for judgement and contradiction
– what you say matters less than how you say it ; choose a peaceful environment, put the phones on “do not disturb”, speak with a calm voice
– don’t let her interrupt ; don’t interrupt when / if she replies
– don’t expect anything from her. It’s about sharing, not forcing. She might need time to digest, and react (or not)