Im [20F] gonna try and keep this brief.
Met a guy [22M] on a dating app, we clicked. Went on our first date, he bought me flowers. Everything going well. Known each other 2 weeks and we’ve seen each other 5 times, even went for a weekend away together. He’s gentle with me (just for example, he likes fast cars and being a bit stupid on the road, but he drives properly with me and apologies if he goes a little too fast).
Hes told me about his ex. Dated for like a month, broke up over a family issue (wont go into detail but he cant know her because of it). The other day he saw she was stalking his social media so blocked her on TikTok.
I just got a DM from the ex’s friend (the friend had to find my account since my date doesnt follow them) basically telling me to run, that he’s abusive and horrible to women, that they broke up a week before i met him etc.
i told him and he answered any questions i had and even got teary. Explaining he saw abuse as a kid and would never do that. He also showed me that the ex reached for out to his mum, claiming that theyve been broken up for a few weeks (so not the week like her friend told me) and that seeing him dating already is horrible and she wants her supermarket card back and if she doesnt give it she’ll report him to the police, and that he treats women badly and his mum should have a word with him.
His mum apparently said she was weird and she knows what happened so shes kinda just ignored her. His mum also knows about me.
When i told him about the text i said “i just received an interesting text” and he knew straight away who it was. Apparently she’s been calling him on no caller ID too.
Im in two minds.
1. I know him more than i know her, i have no idea who she is. Why is she getting her friend to message me and not come to me directly? Why is she still stalking him? Why is she messaging him mum? Why is she calling him on no caller? Hes been straight up with me about his past, he said he’d answer any questions i had. He got teary which isnt like him.
Mind 2. Could she be telling the truth? Its alot of effort to find me and reach out to me and type a big ass paragraph to a stranger. And is some pretty big accusations..
I said to him ill give me a chance. But if he does a single thing i dont like, im leaving. And he accepted that and said thats completely fair.
The ex has now messaged me. Claiming he started speaking to me while they were dating. She mentioned the message she sent his mom but claimed him mom was shocked to find out. From what he’s read to me his mum blocked the ex in response. The ex claims shes coming to me out of respect.
He showed me their break up texts.The ex said she wants what they used to have again, she misses him etc. and he just politely shut her down. These were sent the day before we met. So close but we didn’t speak when they were together properly. He claims they broke up 22nd June. She saw i liked his posts from clearly when they werw dating, but this was done as a joke (i spam liked him while on facetime to him) so yes i liked photos clearly from when they were dating, but it was done 2 weeks ago. (Note she doesnt follow either of us so she stalked his account to see)
He messaged her, stating he’d drop the card off, he didnt cheat and to leave him alone and she disputed the cheating allegations and called him names (she let me read these texts) and he’s now blocked her
Should i run or give him a chance? He hasnt shown me any signs yet but equally she’s put doubt in my mind
TL:DR guy im seeing telling me one thing but his ex is reaching out to me claiming another. Do i run or give him a chance?
Comments
He’s shown you confirmation that she acts like a stalker to him. I wouldn’t put any stock into her claims. It sounds like she just wants him back.
> Its alot of effort to find me and reach out to me and type a big ass paragraph to a stranger. And is some pretty big accusations..
Some people can get pretty vindictive when a relationship ends; the woman I was with before I met my (now) wife…whom I had been broken up with for more than a year (because of her admitted cheating) went so far as to try to sue me over allegations that I was cheating on her (during the time that she had admitted to cheating on me). So never put anything past a jilted ex.
As for the size of the allegations, if she’s crazy enough to fabricate things in order to try to wreck his life using you as a conduit, there’s exactly no reason why she wouldn’t go all-out and make the accusations as awful and outrageous as possible, because there’s essentially no way for him to prove that they’re false, so she might as well swing for the fences.
Basically what you have to do here is what you’d have to do in any new relationship with someone that you didn’t know before: pay attention to his actions (and especially to any discrepancies between his words and his actions), don’t allow yourself to get completely snowed by how amazingly well he treats you during the honeymoon-phase first few months of the relationship (because everyone is always on their best behavior during that time, and so good behavior during that time doesn’t actually tell you much)…and if he shows you any behavior that’s even edging into abusiveness or controlling, get out right away, instead of sticking around and getting wrapped up in sunk cost fallacy.