I met my foreign girlfriend last summer. We met in a club with my friend and her friend and although nothing happened between ourselves that night, there was some touching and feeling in the back of the taxi by my now girlfriend and my friend. My girlfriend’s friend told them to stop and not do this in the taxi. I was in the front seat and only found out about this the following day from my friend. This is far from ideal but there’s nothing I can do about it, especially given we weren’t together and there was no indication of anything between my girlfriend and I on that night. She is unaware that I know and might not even remember herself. Despite there being nothing romantic between us that night, I was very much interested in her and messaged her about ten days later to ask if she wanted to meet up again that weekend. She agreed so I flew over again. We met up and went out for some drinks and shared a few kisses, but on occasion she did turn away when I attempted to kiss her. We maintained contact and got on really well, so she flew to my country for my birthday a few weeks later, when we were intimate for the first time. I flew out to her country a month after that: on this occasion, she told me that she loved same (I said the same in response) but then qualified that the following morning by saying she meant that she was falling in love with me. From that point on, I visited her on average every other week, spending anywhere between 3 and 10 days at a time there. I then spent three weeks with her and her family at Christmas.
On one call in around October, I indirectly referred to her as my girlfriend when giving an example of something (I can’t remember what exactly), in response to which she laughed and said “but I’m not your girlfriend”. She apologised. I was pretty hurt by this, not because I considered her my girlfriend as such, but more so because it seemed she was offended/bemused at the mere thought of being my girlfriend. Things were always very good between us, but it was always kind of mutually acknowledged that things would be difficult due to my inability to stay in the country for very long each time. In autumn I told her I love her several times, but her responses ranged from you know that I love you too to I prefer to show people I love them through actions. For context, she now tells me loves me almost daily. I do not have the right to work in her country, so finding a job was paramount, which I was willing to do. She is very wealthy and has always dated wealthy, good looking guys. I am not wealthy at all and while I have a relatively good looking face, my body needs some work. She said herself that I am different to her previous boyfriends and that in the past she has always been about the looks.
My girlfriend has a son, whose father is what can only be described as a despicable human being. They separated six years ago. She drops her son off every other weekend at his father’s. I have heard/seen the way they negatively speak to each other and am not concerned about anything going on between them, but some of her behaviour towards and interactions with the man who ruined her life for ten years leave me confused to say the least (more on that shortly). I am still yet to meet my girlfriend’s son’s father.
I trusted my girlfriend implicitly until recently, when I was helping her on her phone (with her permission) and saw a recent message from somebody abroad on Instagram. I didn’t have time to look at the messages completely, so looked when she was in the shower later that night (poor behaviour, I know). I found messages from December from my girlfriend, saying how she was in the place where they met and how special that night was to her. It’s not clear what happened on the night they met, but it doesn’t look great. They had also exchanged messages before and after that: he messaged her saying he may be in the area, she said she lives near to where he will be and it would be nice to see him again. He has messaged her several times in the last six months or so and she has not replied. The messages came just before I left my family for three weeks at Christmas, so at a time when it would appear that things were becoming serious before us. I.e., not a time to be messaging other people that.
This discovery led me to spiral in my own head and a few weeks later, I went through her phone at length while she was asleep. I found some things that made me feel pretty bad:
She lied about spending the day with her son and his father just before Christmas. I found this out through their shared photos and then looked at what she had written to me. She said that she was going to be spending the day with her mum and then 6 hours after I text her that day, she said that the texts hadn’t come through because she updated WhatsApp. Convenient. I have no issue with her spending time with her son’s father whatsoever, but I cannot stand the lying. This also makes me wonder what she has been up to when she has gone awol for a number of hours and then come up with an excuse as to why she didn’t text. Again, I have no issue with her not texting back for a number of hours, but it is not like her normally. I also found out that she sent a selfie of herself in the mirror at a wedding we were both at a few weeks ago. I pulled her up on this (I made out like i had seen the photo accidentally when she was texting) and said that I found it very strange that she is doing that, especially given what he did to her. They share photos of their son on WhatsApp which is absolutely normal, but I can’t for the life of me understand why she sent him such a photo.
I also found out that she was pregnant a few years ago (not with her son). I had a feeling she had been because of a few comments she has made, such as about how she gets pregnant easily and how the “worst possible thing has happened to her” that I wouldn’t understand. She again said this last week so I asked her if she had indeed been pregnant aside from her son, and she flat out denied it. I am aware this is likely to be a very sensitive topic for her to discuss, but if she gave me a reason to ask her by repeatedly saying how she gets pregnant easily, then I think I am within reason to do so.
There were also other, more minor things that I discovered, such as her telling her friend that she doesn’t consider me to be her boyfriend until I am living in Germany (which I now am), how she doesn’t want me to know that she works at a bar on top of her day job (the bar chat was previously archived and is now locked) and that she’s accepted a follow request from one of her most recent boyfriend’s friend’s, acknowledging that he is likely following so that the boyfriend can get in touch and/or see what she’s up to. I also discovered photos of her being close with boys she has never mentioned in such a way but still has contact with, which of course makes my mind wonder even more.
I suppose what I’m really looking for is insight into how others would have reacted to such things and how they would proceed. I love her and believe she loves me, but I have been agonising over the things I have outlined for the past week or so while we have been apart. I would like advice on whether I am overreacting and how to talk to her about what I have found out, especially given that I found out by going behind her back. The only thing that I can discuss with her without it seeming that I was snooping is the messages from December, as I had permission to be on her phone (cowardly I know). At the same time, I feel like the time has passed to talk about any of this. Thanks in advance.
TL:DR Looked at girlfriend’s phone and found things I didn’t like. Don’t know what to do or how to do it.