I’m a married middle-aged man with two young children. For the past ten years, we’ve taken two summer vacations with my in-laws and my wife’s extended family every year.
Initially, these vacations were enjoyable, but over time, I’ve grown to detest them.
My mother-in-law (MIL) is highly strung and controlling. While she tries to be helpful, her anxiety and overbearing nature often come across as disrespectful. For instance, she organizes the trip, decides on the group’s itinerary, and decides what everyone will eat. She gets upset if there’s any deviation from her plans.
Since she’s retired and worked in education, she’s always had summer off. I believe she lacks understanding of our lives as 9-5ers who only get a few days off each summer.
I’m exhausted from these vacations. I want to plan my own trips where I can make decisions about my kids’ activities, meals, and schedules.
My wife, on the other hand, wants to continue these family vacations. She enjoys seeing her siblings and has learned to tolerate her mother’s intensity.
Every year, I express my concerns to my wife about the fact that we take two summer vacations with her family every year (and a few days with mine) and that I want us to take our own vacation.
I’ve reduced the number of days I attend the first vacation from 7 to 3days.
However, even then, the experience is unpleasant, and I still go on the second week-long vacation with my wife’s family because it’s at a location that’s a five-hour drive away.
What I dislike about these trips is the insistence that everyone follows the same schedule, despite our individual preferences and the varying ages of our children.
I have no say in how my day unfolds. If I want to visit beach A, but they don’t, I can’t take my kids there.
I suppress my resentment over my lack of choice, which eventually erupts in anger and I look like a jerk.
I’m exhausted from this situation but feel trapped. I’m at a loss for what to do. I would greatly appreciate any advice you can offer.
Comments
Tell your wife that you are not going. If she wants to go, fine, but you won’t. I agree about your taking your own family vacations. That sounds like no fun at all and you should not subject yourself to it anymore!
Is it the hill you’re willing to die on? If it makes your wife happy, can you sacrifice for her sake? Or could you find a compromise where you guys get 2 days of the week to do your own family stuff?
Try talking to your wife.
“The kids are growing up really fast and I would love to have time with just us and the kids”
I’m in a similar situation…
I get very little input on where we go “on vacation”
Good luck!
Why don’t you tell her your plans during the vacation instead of asking permission to do what you want? You say “I’m going to Beach A today and the oldest is coming with me”. “Yep – we’ll miss you – and of course you are welcome to come but that’s the plan.”
Is it a good time for your kids? If they are making fond memories and building good ties with extended family then maybe it’s worth it while the kids are young. I bet that this situation will change in a few years. MIL will age snd not be able to arrange these vacations. Your kids will start to wonder “why we always have to do what mee-maw wants to do.”
It seems unreasonable to spend 2 vacations this way. Seems like one is enough, but you may be outnumbered.
Stop going on both vacations. Go on one with your in-laws, then plan your own with your kids. Your wife can join or stay behind. It’s your vacation too
It seems like a compromise is in order. One week with the inlaws (or you do the the 3 day version while wife and kids stay the week) and one week with just your family. My husband likes my family but he can’t do a whole week cooped up with them so he comes for a few days and then goes home. We take another vacation with just the two of us. It seems unreasonable to expect you to sacrifice all of your vacation time when it isn’t fun for you.
Who pays for these vacations?
Plan a family vacation for your family.
Part of the appeal of this package is that it’s a ready-made, turn key package. The luxury!
Also, our own families of origin are easier for us than our spouses.
Plan a vacation and present it to your wife. This way you’re not complaining, you’re presenting a solution and an experience.
The old compromise, every other year she does the extended family thing and the other year you get to set things up. No way I could do an extended family vacation every year, I’d go bat shit crazy.
you need to have a big talk with your wife and come to a compromise. Lets say it is a planned trip for 5 days- wife should compromise that 2 of those days you her and your kids are doing something alone together and plan some type of excursion for just you. That is the fair thing- good luck
Let Gparents take just the kids for one. Y’all could do your own thing. Bonding.
😳😁🤣🤞
Take one less family vacation. I doubt that you have ever tried to organize a family vacay. SOMEONE has to ramrod activities otherwise NOTHING gets done. Quit complaining and roll with the flow. But if you need a day by yourself nothing says you can’t. Tell everyone you need a day and won’t be joining them ‘tomorrow’. Don’t spring it on them.
Do either your extended family or your wife’s live close by? If not, you wife should understand the idea of doing 1 week vacation with each instead of 2 with hers.
If your kids are old enough, maybe look into “things to do” with them and with your wife BEFORE the trip and get everybody excited about some options for your family…and tell MIL about your plans after you arrive while her grandkids are in the room to show their excitement. She may be less willing to be b*chy to them about their plans.
If your wife isn’t budging, you don’t need to go to both anyway. Tell her you are going to take that week off work (or another) and do a “me” vacation where you can actually relax! If it’s a different week you could even make plans that include kids/wife (assuming their school/work isn’t an issue) and have the family vacation you want!
Don’t go.
You’re not stuck. You just need to stand up for yourself.
Time for a serious conversation with your wife. Using most/all of your vacation for her family isn’t reasonable. Tell her how you feel, but also that you appreciate her need to spend time with her siblings.
Tell your wife you are skipping the trip that’s 5 hours away. You would like her skip it as well, and instead take a family vacation that you will enjoy – and start to make your own memories with the kids, without the whole extended family. It may take your wife a while to get used to the idea. Stay firm. Stay calm.
One vacation a year with her family is plenty – and for that one you can attend a shorter period, like you have been.
What your wife may not recognize is that she is repeating her mother’s behavior – controlling what happens and where you vacation. She is becoming her mother, at least to a degree. You’re going to have to stand up to your wife.
Also, for the vacations you do attend, find things you would like to do. And do them. Invite others to join you. I’m betting you’re not the only one who doesn’t enjoy being in lock step with the in-laws all week long.
At some point you will also need to have a calm talk with your in-laws. Their children are grown. They have opinions of their own. Mommy doesn’t need to control everything. And if she won’t stop – that doesn’t mean you can’t do your own thing.
You need counseling with your wife. This is an unreasonable situation for no reason. Unfortunately, your wife and her family feels it is normal because they were raised to believe it is. So, you need a pro.
Simple solution of course: your wife takes the kids and you skip out & do whatever you want instead.
If you have sons, advise them to marry only child orphans. No in laws, no drama.
Why doesn’t anyone tell MIL no?
You have a wife problem. Don’t use your PTO for MIL’s trips.
So dont go. You’re an adult. Don’t go. Take a vacation somewhere nice and enjoy yourself. A vacation with inlaws, is not a vacation.
I agree on one vacation with your immediate family. My brother’s wife’s family does a 2-week trip every year which drives him nuts. Same thing…he did not mind, but it has become worse over the years. Our parents get old, stressed by lots of company, but cannot figure this out, and treat everyone like they are 12. He solved it by joining for half the time and they book their own vacation rental while he is there. They also do a separate vacation as a family of 4.
Given how you feel about the situation you need to limit your time with your wife’s family and plan something for your family.
My family used to take a family vacation every year and it seemed like a great way for everyone to get together for some quality time, as we all live in different states.
The spouses did not completely enjoy the trips but their happiness was on them. My parents paid for the vacations but excursions were up to us. I was more than a little insulted when my brother’s spouse didn’t choose to spend time with me and my parents and we were happy when he decided to not join us. Choose to be happy or stay home.