Last year, I was working for a small company. My colleagues and my boss started having group hang outs outside of work, which were fun enough. I always found him quite awkward, and would often be forced to socialise with him while others were in conversations, but I was always generally friendly and polite to him. One of my coworkers is extremely close to this boss as they knew each other for a long time, and she has described him as being ‘like a brother’ to her. She’s also quite direct and likes to talk behind people’s back, although I generally got on with her.
Last time we all hung out as a group, as soon as I (26f) was alone with my ex boss (38m) for a few minutes, he started pushing me to let him ‘take me out’ privately, obviously with romantic intentions but without saying it explicitly. I felt so uncomfortable as I wasn’t sure if I would have to be alone with him again on my way home, I’d just signed a new contract with him, and I’d also just asked him for a reference for another potential job after my few months’ contract ended, so I ended up saying okay very hesitantly (with no intention of ever going). After that, he was very quiet and barley talked to me for the remainder of the time before we went out separate ways (which I was glad for tbh).
The next day, he texted me, ‘I’m so happy you agreed to meet with me! Let’s do this weekend.’ I then told him I wasn’t comfortable meeting alone outside of work, and he apologized. I managed to get to the end of my work contract, although I was put on a new project which conflicted with my skills and interests, and the frequent contact I had with other team members pretty much stopped. This may be unrelated, but I ended up leaving the job feeling much more isolated than before I went into the final contract.
The issue now is that even though I don’t work there anymore, my colleagues keep wanting to meet up as a group again. I just know that if I agree to see them, I will feel so anxious having to be around him again, and I will likely have to spend some time alone with him while others chat, which I really don’t want. I’m not sure whether to tell anyone the issue, as all the other team members except one (who I’m not very close to) are very friendly with him and continue to work together, and I get the impression that my reasoning will be viewed as me trying to ‘break up the group’, especially if it’s his word over mine.
Any advice?
Comments
Girl, trust your gut and protect your vibes, you don’t owe anyone group hangs if it stresses you out. Maybe skip or say you’re busy, and keep it vague. If you feel like spilling, confide in that one colleague you kinda trust; otherwise, ghost politely and prioritize your peace.
You don’t owe your peace of mind to a group that would rather protect his comfort than your safety. You already said no, don’t feel bad for meaning it.
make notes about everything that is going on. Keep emails and texts somewhere outside of company servers. try to also get proof that you are doing your job well and effectively incase this guy gets butthurt and tries to get you sacked.
EDIT: Didn’t read the end :/ yeah protect yourself and at this point feel free to tell people this guy makes you feel uncomfortable. You are 12 years younger than him, you cannot be the only one who finds his advances creepy.
He is not longer your boss and those people are not longer your coworkers so you don’t have to go out with either the best thing is for you to block them all of them and keep moving on
You don’t need to respond beyond a, “No, I cannot make it.” You don’t owe them anything and trying to bend yourself into a pretzel to “be polite” is what gets girls murdered, r@ped, abused and kidn@pped. Trust your gut and stand up for yourself!
Wow. Sooo – it’s not OK for your boss to ask you out. For exactly this reason – you will feel you can’t say no – and they could retaliate by making your job harder if they get rejected.
Tell your friends he did this. He is the one who did something wrong – not you
Is Coldplay gonna be playing anywhere near you?
I am not sure if I am fully understanding the concern. Do you want to hang out with your co-workers again and just not your boss? Or are you concerned about saying no and asking one of them to be a reference at a later point? Or something else?
You don’t have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. If you don’t want to hang out with them anymore that’s okay, just be polite if you decline. If they pressure you then I’d say stop responding entirely.
If the issue is you want to hang out with your old co-worker again, but not your old boss that is a bit more tricky. In that scenario, your best bet is to just be honest, tell them you are happy to meet up, but not if it is because your old boss is still trying to pursue you romantically. If that drives a wedge in their group that’s their issue. You are allowed to like or dislike people, if they are mature adults they will understand.
Okay so no one’s mentioning this
Go to fucking HR
Tell HR
It is very inappropriate for a boss to ask out a subordinate. Your former coworkers are asking you to go out with them so you get to deal with him not them. I can’t make it. That is all you have to say.