I’ve stood by my boyfriend for the past four years through some incredibly hard times—his addiction, two rehab stints, six months in jail, and even very poor treatment during my pregnancy related to his substance use. I stayed through all of it. He’s now been clean for two years, and he takes his recovery very seriously, which I’m truly proud of.
Because I know how important his meetings are to his sobriety, I’ve always done my best to support him going—no matter what. There was only one time, when our son was one and I was completely exhausted, that I asked him to skip a meeting and help. He did, but later told me it really messed with his head. Since then, I’ve been careful not to ask again.
But tonight, I was at my breaking point. I pulled my back bad yesterday and it’s been hard to even pick up my son. My son is three, relentless and full of constant energy. I’m also training for a new job, feeling totally overwhelmed, and I can feel the depression I’ve fought so hard to manage creeping back in which absolutely terrifying to me.
Before he left for his meeting, I broke down crying in front of him. I told him how exhausted I was, how low I felt. I didn’t ask him not to go—I just laid it all out honestly, hoping maybe he’d see I needed support tonight.
He still got ready and left. Our son wanted to wave goodbye in the driveway but had a meltdown screaming and flinging his body all over the driveway. I had no choice but to pick him up. My back my screaming and I started to cry as he drove away.
Afterward, I called my boyfriend and told him I wished he had stayed—that it would’ve meant a lot if he had noticed I needed help without me having to ask directly. He got angry, yelled that he needed to go to his meeting for him, and hung up.
Now I’m sitting here, hurting and overwhelmed, wondering—am I a jerk for wanting him to stay? For wanting him to pick me over his sobriety tonight?
TL;DR: I wanted to boyfriend to choose me and my needs over his sobriety journey tonight and I don’t know if I was in the wrong or not.
Comments
Use your words, my god.
>am I a jerk for wanting him to stay?
You are a jerk for not asking him to stay but then calling him to make him feel bad about him not staying even though you didn’t ask him to stay.
There are virtual AA classes he can attend at all hours of the day. I think he could have missed this in person one and joined at virtual one to help out with both of your son.
I would have waited until he got home to talk about it calmly. Since he’d already left, calling him to make him feel bad about it doesn’t help anything.
You shouldn’t be partners with someone who won’t help you. At 2 years sober, he should be able to miss one meeting without it derailing his sobriety. Meetings are important but wtf is the point of staying sober if he can’t handle real life? I would leave tbh.
You need to sort out an equal opportunity to leave the house to have some time to yourself and do something to benefit your mental health.
Respectfully, the consequence of him not going may be that he’s not there at all. Even if it’s just one meeting. However, I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong of you to feel the way you do. This is a shitty situation for you both and I’m sure it’s hard, but try to reframe it in your mind that you both are putting in the work needed to keep your family healthy and on track. You are a team, and him going to those meetings is also a huge part of his responsibility to be part of that team. Being with an addict is hard. I know because I am one. You’re doing amazing 💗
ETA: make sure you are also taking time for yourself in a similar way, you deserve that time too.
He isn’t really sober sis
So you said nothing then called him when he left.
Why didn’t you wither ask him to stay home or told him how you felt when he got home
AA widows a real phenomenon for people who remain with their partners in their sobriety journeys. People overcoming addiction become dependent on their coping mechanisms for dealing with emotional distress or just daily life in a way that they used to be dependent on alcohol. Obviously it’s a big improvement but if your partner is gone for a couple of hours to a meeting most days, maybe doing retreats or service or sponsoring, it’s a lot a lot. Two years in you should be able to talk to your partner at a calm time about how you, too, have needs and need support sometimes, and that he needs to start being flexible at least some of the time with his meeting schedule so you can rest, do self care, get out of the house yourself. Your life can’t just be revolving first around his addiction and then his sobriety.
Silently expecting your partner to know what you want/need at any given time is certain to lead to disappointment for you. You may have been more satisfied with the outcome if you’d directly asked him to stay home with you before he left for his meeting. That said, he doesn’t sound like a particularly supportive partner based on your description of his reaction when you called him to indirectly ask him to come back home.
AA offers online meetings. Could he attend those while watching your son/after he goes to sleep?
Why are you proud of staying through a train wreck? No one gives out medals in the martyr Olympics.
He still treats you terribly while sober and let’s you struggle while injured.
You were a jerk for the way you handled it.
I’d probably do nearly anything to not keep an addict away from their meetings.
I also think I’d have stood in the driveway holding my kid’s hand until he chilled out. I would not have picked up a three year old in the condition you were in.
while i get where you’re coming from, and it can be scary to verbalize your needs, you should have asked him before he left. and he shouldn’t have yelled. both of you should probably sit down and talk it out, i think both of you could apologize to eachother.
Next time, just be upfront about asking him to stay and help you with your son/back etc.
Sounds like you support him, more than he supports you. Also very weird he gets angry at missing a meeting. Almost like he expects someone else to be there…
I think you’ve made a series of unwise decisions that are having and will continue to have repercussions for the rest of your life, whether that’s with him or not. The question is whether you can make better (though not necessarily easier) choices going forward and whether you’ve learned the right lessons.
> am I a jerk for wanting him to stay? For wanting him to pick me over his sobriety tonight?
Yes you are, you should have just told him what you needed
Being married to an alcoholic can be very difficult. Do you go to Al-anon for family? I’m sure you can find others that are in your position.
Are there other nights/times he can take over and help you? Sure, we all need a break but if you care about his sobriety as well, you should try to find a way to accommodate both your needs.
Your boyfriend needs a therapist. It sounds like he’s gone from drink to obsessive behaviour and routine he can’t physically step out of. This is just him going from one personal prison to another. He needs help that you nor AA can help him.
It sounds like your partner has never really been there for you and isn’t really there for you now because he doesn’t want to be in part and in another part doesn’t have the emotional capacity to be.
Your actions were of a desperate partner needing help and support knowing asking would result in a no, which hurts more than not asking. Were they honourable, no. Understandable? Absolutely.
In truth, you’re probably never going to have an equal partnership with this man or somebody you can rely on. You need to figure out what you need and what your future is for you and your son
He abandoned you to alcohol and he’s still abandoning you while sober. If you had split custody, he’d help a lot more.
Can you get any help around the house, like from a baby sitter or a cleaner or just friends and family while you’re injured and when you need a break from it all?
Listen to the words you chose: “pick me over his sobriety” his sobriety is him picking you and your son. He can’t be there for anyone if he relapses. You’re not wrong for wanting him to stay but you are wrong for being indignant about the situation. You’re allowed to want and need help, and he’s allowed to be incapable of providing that for you. He should not have yelled at you and I’m guessing that the two of you need to work on your communication with each other. Maybe if you had communicated that you needed someone to help you, he could have helped you come up with a solution that worked for both of you. Maybe if he heard you out for wanting something you couldn’t have, he could have reassured you and promised to help when he returned. You both need to turn the temperature down and work together as a team.
Part of recovery is finding balance. If he is not willing to try and find balance between his recovery and his life then he needs to focus on himself and continue that journey by himself. You need time for yourself as well. If he is not willing to try and step up to give you time for your mental health, then you need to step away and do what is best for you and your child. My fiancé is going through his sobriety journey (nearly 3 years sober!) and echoes what I am saying.
Do you have any family/friends/support system who would be able to give you a break once in awhile?
You need more support if you’re going to be in a relationship with someone recovering from alcohol use. Consider Al-Anon. I think there’s a sub too you can search for.
This post just screams that you’re sacrificing your own health, not to mention happiness, for the people in your family. I’m not saying abandon them, but you need to start taking care of yourself before you fall apart.
How often does he go to AA meetings? I think I would start by making at least that amount of time for you to take care of yourself. Maybe talk therapy would help. Maybe seeing your family or friends more often. Maybe a massage or spa treatment. Maybe join a gym or start with physical therapy for your back? You know what you need, so go do it. Hubs can watch your kid when he’s not going to an AA meeting.