Throwaway cause my boyfriend uses reddit, also sorry for any formatting errors this is my first time posting anything + I’ll be cross posting this so apologies if you see it twice.
To start I (25f) and my boyfriend Matt (30M) had been dating for 3 years when we opened up to dating others, then both fell for Riley (27F), a close mutual friend of ours. We’ve been a triad for a little over 17 months now and everything’s been great till a few months ago.
It was amazing at first, I had two people who deeply loved me, shared responsibilities and finances, and were eager to share a life, house, and even kids together. Matt and I fell in love with Riley and we’ve all said “I love you” to eachother. Once a month, we’d have a date night out all together, and the rest of the weeks we’d have a date night with two of us, alternating. Matt and I live together and Riley has her own apartment in the same city as us. Most of the time, Riley stays at our place but once a week or so, Matt or I separately stayed with Riley at her apartment. (This is all important)
A few months ago, things slowed down majorly. It began feeling like I was watching the relationship rather than actually participating and I feel crazy for taking things so personally. They’d hang out without me, which is obviously fine, but it started happening almost every day. The first time I really noticed it, I got home from work and found out they went to my favorite restaurant and went to the cinema to see a movie I’ve been wanting to watch (and literally introduced them to). Not to mention Riley dropped hints that she was gonna take me out to see that movie to make up for missing two dates with me. There’s also new inside jokes that I’m not apart of at all. Like full-blown whispering and giggling right in front of me and it feels like I’m intruding. I’m sure I’m not alone in feeling this way but I feel so alone in a room with the two people who supposedly love me the most and I can’t take it anymore.
They’ve also been sleeping together without me, which is fine, I don’t care. But I only found out after it had been happening regularly and I felt blindsided. Especially because any time I’d try to initiate, either of them would say they weren’t in the mood, then I’d find out a few days later they slept together that night. I’m all about consent and if they don’t wanna sleep with me, fine. I just hate the lying to my face. I don’t know if I’m justified in this or not, though.
As for missed dates, both of them have missed date nights with me. Like two fridays ago, Matt and I were supposed to go out but he forgot cause he was “in a conversation” with Riley. And that’s after Riley flaked on my birthday dinner because she was “feeling off” and Matt stayed in to “comfort” her. The last date I’ve been on was our triad date last week where the both of them sat in a booth together and watched tiktoks on Riley’s phone. Not to mention I’ve had sex like twice each month since this has started and Riley and Matt have been sleeping together average 4 times a week. They even talked about moving in together, jsut the two of them, which is what caused me to write this in the first place. Apparently I’m “too far from work and don’t like the part of town they’re considering”, so they didn’t add me into the conversations at all. Which is ridiculous cause they can just choose a different part of town if that’s the case (which it’s not, I’m fine with any part of our city and I’d enjoy a drive to work each morning to mentally prepare). But maybe I’m thinking too much and blowing everything out of proportion.
Last night I brought up how I’ve been feeling and they both got defensive. Matt told me I was being “possessive and jealous” and that it’s “not healthy for a poly dynamic”. Riley said I needed to “check my insecurity” cause they love me, and I shouldn’t need to be “constantly reassured.” I told them how I feel excluded not just emotionally but logistically and physically too. They’re building a life together and enjoying eachother’s company and I’m just an after thought. I asked if they see our triad relationship being long term and Matt literally said “I mean that’s up to you, isn’t it?” As if Im’ the one pulling away when I’m trying so hard to sttay in this relationship. I keep checking my own bias, running and rerunning every skipped date and interactions to find the one little detail that I missed that explains it all but I just can’t anymore. I’ve been so stressed and it’s starting to effect my sleep. I know being poly isn’t about hierarchy or ownership, they’re allowed to spend time together and have their own relationship just like Matt and I had our own relationship before this but isn’t there a line between independence and just cutting someone out?
I’m so lost and confused on where I went wrong. and I just don’t know anymore. Am I overreacting? Being to sensitive or monogomy brained? Is it reasonable to feel like I’m not part of this relationship anymore even if they still say they love me? Thanks for listening to my rant, I’m gonna cry and sleep now.
TL;DR: my girlfriend and boyfriend have been spending way more time with eachother and excluding me in our closed poly relationship