I’m disappointed. I recently got engaged and my (30) mother (51) has not asked me any questions about the engagement, planning the wedding, nothing. I’m her only child and daughter. She only commented the day of the proposal and wanted to see the ring but that’s it. Yes she likes my fiance. I guess I expected her to show interest in it but when I mention touring venues, dress shopping etc., she just changes the subject. Literally doesn’t even try to have small talk about it. Why is this?
Backstory: we have always had a rocky relationship. She had me at 20 and in my opinion has always been emotionally immature and unregulated. Majority of my memories of her are being yelled at for big or small things. Not wanting to play with me. She’s never been comforting or the “Brady bunch” type of mother you see on tv. I didn’t expect her to cry tears of joy over my engagement…BUT I definitely thought she would show more interest since she’s always SO interested and involved in everyone else’s life in the family. She goes out of her way for my cousins and their milestones, as if she’s their mother but is so uninvolved when it comes to mine. I’m her only child and daughter…what’s the deal? Its disappointing and I feel embarrassed talking about it to anyone. What is it about me that doesn’t deserve to be celebrated or loved out loud by my own mother. Luckily I have a great relationship with my dad but he’s always said my mom has shown more interest in other children besides her own (me). And I have seen this my entire life but I simply cannot understand why??
Comments
This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in RBN.
RBN is a heavily moderated subreddit. Any rule breaking, regardless if it is the first-time offense, may result in an immediate ban. Failure to read our rules in full will not absolve you from breaking the rules. If you have not read our rules, read them first before commenting.
Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by a moderator.
Our rules include (but not limited to):
For a full list of our rules/more information, click here.
If you are confused about some acronyms or terminology, click here!
Need info or resources? Check out our Helpful Links for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
well… it can be many things:
– baiting
– you become more and more independent and she hates that
– just typical narc behavior of not being interested in others
It might be in line with narc behavior that she will take little interest behind the scenes in the wedding, but on the wedding she will have “her moment” and be “so proud of you” etc.
Having said all that: Maybe it’s better not to analyze all this too deeply, maybe its better she’s not too involved into the wedding, so less drama and less possibility for her to screw things up. Doged a lot of drama probably! I think less analyzing and more focus on healthy boundaries will do the trick :).
I would think she’s upset that you are becoming independent and don’t need her. Just plan stuff without her.
Unfortunately, you can remember those terrible memories and those tell you more about her true character. The way she portrays herself for other people isn’t real. It’s all a show.
Tread very carefully when you have a child of your own. My dad started mistreating my life, the way he did to me. I had forgotten all about it. My MIL also started doing the same when she wasn’t worshipped by my children. They didn’t want to hug her, so she lashed out at a 2 year old.
Your mother just gave you the best wedding gift ever!!! This means that you and your fiance can have the wedding that YOU TWO want. Your mother isn’t taking over and planning everything. She isn’t making everything about HER. But! Password protect all of your vendors AND the venue, too. She might still try to undermine everything.
Speaking from experience, set your bar reallly low in terms of your mother’s participation in your life. Your mother still hasn’t grown up. While your expectation regarding your mother to show some interest is normal, she simply doesn’t understand that it is her responsibility to care & it doesn’t come naturally to her. Removing the fact that she is your mother, knowing her historical behaviors being emotionally immature and unregulated, do you really believe she’s capable of thinking like a normal responsible adult? My mother was the same way, she actually didn’t care, didn’t communicate till the day of wedding, showed up to the wedding & screwed up the timing of the entrance down the aisle. Listen, forget her participation. Give up on any expectations. Remember, because she is so immature you have to manage her like a kid, especially if she will be taking part of wedding entrance, speech, etc. You leave her out, you get to control your own wedding. It’s going to be the same in any stage of life. Say after the wedding, you plan for kids, you get a new puppy, you get a promotion – she won’t be there for you. If you think about it, you got your husband, you get to create your own family detached from her & all the past history. This is a fresh start. You own it!
Sadly this is on point for narc mothers, either they go cold and uninterested or they take over and make it all about themselves. I am not sure why or how they do that. My n mother has done the former and I am sure she has felt blighted by me and enjoys playing the victim as a result of me daring to live my own life.
Just my experience but I had zero interest in my wedding, zero interest in my pregnancy and child, no care shown during my divorce. Never been asked how I am, what my child is up to. For the last few years she doesn’t call or text or respond to messages. I still see both parents on a regular basis. E father is a better parent these days but only as he is slowly filling the gap of her dreadful absence and her abuse after all these years.
Sorry you are going through this. As others have said, prepare for dwindling involvement and interest from your mother, it is sad but it’s probably a more peaceful existence than the alternative.
I’m sorry she’s treating you this way – congratulations on your engagement! I can only add my experiences with my own nmom: 1) we eloped, so as not to deal with any unnecessary drama from her in particular, and because neither of us were interested in a traditional wedding. When we got back and told our families we got the expected excitement from many, but a tepid response from her. I found out years later from my MIL, that she hopped right on the phone to shit-talk us, and bitching and moaning about “ohhhhh, I don’t know about this elopement….”. Like, really?? We were both just shy of thirty and had been self-sufficient for years. Then 2) when we told my side of the family I was pregnant with our oldest, she just sat there with her mouth dropped open like a fish. Her first words were: “You better tell your father!” Like we were teens in trouble. Never said a fucking word to me about the baby until my dad’s funeral a few months later, and then the only thing she latched onto were people telling her she must be so excited about the baby. Well, she latched onto that ball and ran with it. It was gross.
All this to say, I would suggest never expect any sort of “normal” reaction from a narc. If they can’t immediately figure out how your situation benefits them somehow, they might go through the motions, but generally they’re just plotting how to get something for themselves out of it. I say, plan your wedding day however you want it. Invite her if you want, don’t if you don’t want to. It’s your day; enjoy it!
It really hurts when your own mother is disinterested in everything about you, I know that from experience. Is there someone in your life who can be a surrogate mother of sorts?
My mother was similar, with the exception that she was generous with criticism of me and anything I planned for the wedding. In the end, she and my enabler dad set up shadow wedding events that they invited people to. My new husband and I didn’t make the cut for those invites. I was young and inexperienced and had never been involved in planning any social occasions. I was expected to pull a VERY small wedding together without any help at all. And she criticized every decision as “not the right thing to do.” I’m glad I got through it but, honestly, it would have made more sense to elope.
I could’ve written this. I’m the only child/daughter to my narc mother. She has celebrated everyone else, gone above and beyond for anyone (friends or family) but has zero interest in me or my accomplishments. I suffered a miscarriage at the same time a cousin of mine was in the hospital recovering from a minor surgery. My mother went to the hospital to see this cousin but didn’t call me to inquire about what happened when I went to the doctor to learn that I would have to have a D & C. I went through losing a baby all by myself. My mother was there for others but not for me when I needed someone. I totally understand how you feel. You are not alone in this. It is not your fault. She has the problem – not you. I can’t say that I know why our mothers do the things they do but please don’t let her lack of interest steal your joy. Live your life and do big things. (Hugs to you)
Can relate. Mine tried making my day all about her, turned up late to hair and makeup because she was still in bed at 1030am. Lower any expectations you have of her. Have none. Only involve her in things you can handle your feelings being hurt with when she acts like a dick. I cried a few times seeing coworkers gushing with excitement at their daughters engagements and weddings and how involved they were. It’s just not a relationship I have. I grieved for that side of me that wanted an involved excited mum, leant in to my work mums/aunty’s excitement and am pretty low contact now with my mum.
Of course she is going to be involved in your cousin’s weddings. It is very noticeable to the rest of the family and will make everyone think she is such an amazing saint. She thrives on the validation.
My mother did not lift a finger to help in my wedding at all. When she found out I was having the wedding on my dad’s property (they’re divorced) she flew into a rage about it. She stormed out during the toast.