My older sister is due with twins and I want to be there for her. The last time I visited to help her was because our mother asked me to, she had her first and her husband is useless. I do not think he will offer any help if I show up and I am worried she will be overwhelmed if I don’t. If I do choose to help I will be staying in their guest bedroom since they live several states away. This isn important detail because I can just leave once I’m there. How can I help my sister but not her husband? She is aiming for a vaginal birth and I hope all works well but I also need advice on aftercare if she ends up having a C-section. I do not agree with their marriage values (theyare super traditional conservative versus my marriage being the exact opposite in a nonmonagamus marriage). I had tons of support when my little one was born and need to fulfill this itch not just for her well-being but because I am also compelled to pay it forward so please don’t tell me not to do it.
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I guess by doing jobs that are solely “hers” and by allowing her time to herself.
Separate his laundry from hers and the baby’s, and leave them for him to deal with. Only cook foods you know she likes if he requests (or demands) a certain dish, get stupid and proclaim that you can’t make it.
And if I were you, I’d lock your bedroom door from the inside, just in case he sees you as a sexual substitute for his wife.
Honestly? I think you need to refocus here. Actively working against the husband is probably going to ultimately end up hurting the baby. Unfortunately your sister and her husband are a unit, and while you don’t have to like him I don’t think you’re approaching this with the right energy.
Help your sister and the baby, regardless of whether that hurts or helps the husband. He should not enter into your considerations when you are deciding what to do to help.
Help her. Help the kids. Do what needs done.
Love them bravely and openly.
If their parasite catches some help, it will be ok.
I’ve never been one to worry if a rich person or a drug addict or an abuser accidentally got a place to sleep and a warm meal.
Protect yourself, though. Abusers can get really angry when their deficits are pointed out.
Train him up, put him to work? “You do this while I do that” it’s hard to feel put upon when someone else is working too.
And once he’s proven he can do it, he won’t be able to get out of his half in the future.
Have you talked to your sister about this? Has she asked you to come?
No matter how much you want to be there for her, if she doesn’t ask you specifically to visit: it would be rude (no matter how good your intentions) to show up at her door immediately post-partum.
I say this with kindness: you do not need advice on C-section aftercare. Every person and every delivery is different. What you sister wants and needs will be unique, and change with time. Inserting yourself to help without being asked is not actually helpful. There is very real potential here for you to come off the wrong way, and damage your relationship (which I’m sure is the opposite of what you’re going for). Also, if there’s tension between you and her husband (even if it’s warranted) then your presence could negatively impact the vibes in the home and be stressful for you sister.
You say that you “need to fulfill this itch not just for her well-being but because I am also compelled to pay it forward” … Take some time for introspection, and think about whether this is really for your sister. Or if it’s for you.
Will he be out of the house at work during the day?
I’d make it clear from the first moment that you’re there to help your sister. If he asks you to get him something from another room (a drink, blanket, phone charger, etc) say no. No is a complete sentence. You’re not his servant.
If you cook anything then he’s likely to eat some. I’m not sure if there’s anyway around that?
I like that someone else said to separate his clothes from her and the kids laundry. That’s a good idea.
Does she have any friends who can help out when you’re gone?
Baby laundry. Baby bottles. Baby milk pump parts. Clean baby nursery..mom laundry. Mom snacks
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Make sure she is fed and watered (literally everytime she sits to feed offer a drink and snack!)
Take the babies for an hour walk once a day in the buggy, at the same time regardless of weather. Babies sleep better for seeing day light, it helps start a routine of “and now we’re having a snooze in the pram” and it gives mum an hour a day to sleep, or shower, or come with you.
Make notes of appointment times, baby groups, feeding support groups. Help pack the baby bag and get the pram in the car when it’s time to go and help get the babies dressed for it.
Remind her to brush her teeth twice a day, and have a shower once a day. It’s bloody hard those first weeks.
Wash the babies clothes and fold and put them away.
If her instincts are firing, support her. So many new mums are told they’re over reacting and then don’t seek support if their scars aren’t healing, their boobs aren’t working right, the babies are off. But they know. So if she says she is thinking about seeing the doctor or she thinks something isn’t right, offer to call them and make the appointment.
Help host anyone that comes over, make the tea, get biscuits on a plate and after an hour be the one to ask your sister if she needs a break.
And just help find those moments at the beginning when it’s so hard, for mum and baby to find some joy and peace.
Her first child will not be happy with mom tending to the babies. She will truly need a dedicated toddler handler so she’s not jumping on mom while nursing, resting, etc.
Her husband is in for a shock because he’s not going to be able to ignore his kids. One is easy because mommy is handling it. But 2 or three, if he’s not actually helping when the twins arrive, he will never be who she needs.
Have you considered charging in like Mary Poppins and just sweeping him up in your tornado of helpfulness?
“Right! Let’s make a start! Do you want to start with hoovering the house, or shall we get dinner started first?” Never offer him the choice of not helping. Just be so entirely confident that he will, that he gets a little caught up in it.
It might be worth a try, and you might get to boss him around into being helpful.
Tell him what to do.
“Hey sister I’ll make dinner what would you like? Husband go get this at the store!”
“I’m doing a load of laundry. Husband get it together, when it’s done we will fold and here is your pile”
Husband here is the trash. Take it out. Husband we need diapers get them while you pick up the kids.
Etc etc etc
He is involved in every single task and you prompt him to
It’s so great that you are able to go and help her. I wish I had been able to go help my sister. I definitely wouldn’t go out of my way to help the husband, but I would just focus on my sister and the babies (and older child?) Making the older child feel loved and attended to is really important- if that means you or you taking care of the babies while mom spends time with them, whatever. This could be a wonderful memory of time together and if she ever wants to leave him, she’ll know you would be there for her.
Is your sister happy having a traditional marriage, and is the situation free from abuse? If so, it might not be for you but it’s overstepping to try and impose your values on them. Would it be appropriate for them to come into your home and have a go at your partner(s) for cheating on you? Of course not. So it’s also not appropriate to go into her home and treat her husband like a lazy misogynist if he’s just fulfilling his part of an agreement they have both freely and contentedly entered into.
Do what you think she needs. Listen to her in the beginning and stick to that. Why do I say that?
I’ve been in a similar position and, by the end of it, all of the boyfriend’s whining and complaining made the woman I was helping concede to what HE wanted, not what she needed, because she folded to his every whim. Then she and the kids were going without to make sure the worthless boyfriend’s needs got met.
He would do shit like spend their last dollars on WWE tickets and they wouldn’t have money for formula and she wasn’t producing any milk.
It was her, the boyfriend, a toddler and a newborn. She said she was craving Domino’s which I thought was weird because she’s always hated it but she assured me it was just post-birth cravings. So I ordered pizza and bread sticks with my money and he ate all of it while she awkwardly looked away. I know he nagged and whined at her to ask me to order food for him under the guise of it being for her/their toddler. He gave their toddler a couple of bread sticks.
I’m still angry thinking about this time in my life.
If you know she doesn’t like tomatoes and onions and suddenly she’s asking you to make fresh pico de gallo you can assume it’s for the husband.
There’s going to be things like laundry and dishes. Just worry about his stuff last.
Do her laundry, the babies laundry. You can help her with diaper changes and overnight feedings if he shows no signs of stepping in and she pumps.
Don’t feed him. Don’t do his laundry. If he makes her do it for him, that’s on her, she’s an adult. Then she can cook her meals too and you don’t have to help with that. Just help with the babies, don’t let them make you their house keeper. Focused on baby related chores.
You can’t help her without him benefitting.
If you do “her chores”, I see someone like him giving her his chores, assuming he has any, because she is “doing nothing” and he “works all day”.
I will be honest, she knows her husband won’t help, she is choosing this life as well. Even though she is also a victim in this kind of dynamic, she is willingly staying.
It sounds like she has a family that would take her in if she left him.
If I were in your shoes, I would step back and let them flounder. I get the kids suffer but they will when you have to return to your life too.
This isn’t an easy one. Just know that any help extended will benefit them both and make peace with it.
Teach him.
I know it sounds weird, but a lot of men were never told/invited to help. If they are more traditional, I bet your sister just does the chores with a smile on her face.
And he is just clueless of how much time it takes.
You can change that dynamic by “allowing” him to get out of his comfort level.
“Hey Husband, I will start the laundry and you do the dishes after dinner, okay?”
If you see he struggles you can say something like “funny how much more dishes are just by adding one more person to the mix, get ready for the two new ones! With cleaning after more people, it helps me to first put the glasses in and then the plates” (whatever, I make stuff up).
“What do you want to watch while we fold the laundry?”
“Your wife looks tired, can you vacuum while we are shopping so she can have a quick nap once we are back?”
“Geez, thank you for keeping the bathroom so clean for my visit! Let me help you during the next time you clean – I will take care of the shower so you only have to do the toilet and sink”.
And once the babies are born, just have him help with them as much as possible.
Same as “I bet your wife would line a grilled cheese sandwich! Can you please make her one while I’m changing the babies”.
The best gift you can give your sister is having her husband more involved in day-to-day chores.
Prioritize the baby work – bottles, pump parts, laundry, diapers, running out to get anything your sister needs. Ensure the bulk of your energy is focused specifically on tasks that are specific to the baby and to their sibling, if they need it.
But don’t use this as an opportunity to punish your sister’s husband or judge her choices or lifestyle–you wouldn’t have appreciated it if she did that to you. If you’re making dinner for the two of you, make dinner for three, because it’s just not that much more work. That doesn’t mean that if you’re only making dinner for yourself, you have to make dinner for him; be the buffer that reminds him he can go get pizza or cook something just as well as you can. He will benefit, tangentially, from a clean house if you clean up or groceries if you buy them, but it is not worth depriving your sister of support she needs in order to punish him. Direct his ass to do those tasks whenever possible, but if he refuses, just use your best judgement and stay within the bounds of what you’re comfortable doing.
Cook her favorite foods, listen to her favorite music, watch her favorite movies, do only her laundry, etc. Act like it’s a slumber party and the husband is the intruder. Lol, this is all kinda petty but don’t be afraid to cater specifically to her and he gets what he gets.
Honestly, the biggest help you could be is if you encourage the husband to step up. Ask him to help you serve dinner, or do the dishes, etc. Involve him in caring for your sis and babies. Then have a heart to heart.
Just be super cheerful about helping nudge him into doing something useful.
With a big smile, “c’mon dad, here’s your chance to change a diaper!”
“Ok, dad, now is your chance to toss this basket in the wash. Do you need me to show you which button to push?”
“Look, dad, here’s your big chance to practice burping the baby. I know you can do it!”
Has she asked you to move in right after she’s given birth?
The number one priority right now is supporting your sister and her child. If she’s not interested in changing anything in her relationship right now, you’ll only hurt her going out of your way to not help her husband.
So what if he benefits from your cooking? So what if his clothes are mixed in with the wash? It doesn’t sound like he’s the type to ever step up to do it himself so it’s just going to fall back on your sister. Bite your lip and be the person who’s always there for her so that if she changes her mind, she knows you have her back.
I wouldn’t go out of my way to exclude him, but I wouldn’t cater to him. Like if you cook dinner, cook enough so he can eat but I wouldn’t make enough for him pack for lunch or pack it for him.
You talked about your sisters marriage and their values. I think you should try looking at it from a different perspective. Your sister allows her husband to be useless (aka traditional) they are both playing roles they agreed to. What does that say about her? Her choices? You can go help her if you want – but it’s but it’s not a need. She’s living with the consequences of her choices. They’ll figure things out without your intervention.
If anything needs to be done you can certainly say to your BIL “I’m sure you want to be the best husband and father. Why don’t you show me what you can do and if you have any questions I can clarify”.
Probably I’ll be down voted into oblivion but I’ll say about my experience with twins. Because looks like practically anyone here had it.
The SIL of my wife (Mary) had twins, and her life at the time was hard, very hard.
My BIL is a present father, but had only 10 day’s of paternity leave. He had to work for 2 months so he can get vacation time. But when he was not working he was helping the way he could.
At the first couple of months Mary had the babies breastfeeding every 3 hours, but 1 baby took 1 hour, the other another hour and she had the third hour to take a bath, eat, sleep etc. And was 24h a day.
Her sisters live in other cities (1000+ miles away), her mother came to stay with her for a few months.
And my wife’s mother, my wife and I (boyfriend at the time) came to help, everyday (I came at weekends).
One of the kids had allergies, the water to wash his clothes and the mom(Mary) clothes was distilled. We cannot use any soap. And when there is times that the clothes we used had to be washed in the same way.
This arrangement lasted for months, in the meantime her mother left and we continued to take turns. But the presence was constant for at least 8 months.
What I’m trying to say is your sister will really need your help with it, and antagonizing with your BIL won’t help anything.
What you need is focus, and make him get his shit together very quickly. It’s a hard thing and I don’t know what advice to give to you about it. After the storm you can fight about the probable behavior problems that will happen.
If the text was grammatically incorrect or rude isn’t my intention. English isn’t my first language.
Best regards.
Ladies, can you imagine the mindset of getting someone pregnant and being like, That’s her problem now.
Bring a giant insulated cup with you. I had never known dehydration like the dehydration when breast feeding and for the first week, I felt like I was about to come apart every time that I stood up.
By keeping her cold cup filled with a nourishing beverage, you will be doing a great help. I would ask if she wants the baby held or handed to her after she stands up. I had a nightmare that I dropped the baby while standing once and it stayed with me for a few days. Hormones are so strange.
It is lovely of you to help your sister.
Give the useless husband jobs to do and ask your sister what foods she is craving. Stocking the pantry and cooking up her favorite meals is the first task that husband should do while you empty out the trash, wash the laundry and ask Mom how she is feeling.
You can’t! If you’re doing anything to make it easier on her, it will also make the house run more smoothly and benefit him. Even getting him to do stuff is still taking the planning and keeping track out of the equation for him. People will tell you just to do things for her and the kids, but that frees up her plate to turn around and do for him.
Gotta pick your battles here. Do you want your sister to have an easier recovery or do you want to be right about their marriage?