Do I cut contact with my ex, now friend or see things out?

Do I cut contact with my ex, now friend or see things out?

I (M14) are what you’d consider a rather boring person. I don’t go to parties, I don’t joke about many things my friends do, and I don’t date, at least I didn’t until around a few months ago I ended up in a relationship moving fast. A friend of mine who I’m just going to call Olive as that was our pet name, and I grew closer. I’d gone through tough times and just having small conversations made me happy, seeing her made me happy. We started emailing with school emails and ended up exchanging contacts so we could talk more and about whatever. As soon as this started the signals she wanted me to ask her out started. Stuff like talking how bored she is of being single, saying things like “I had a dream I’d get a Bf today”, and after I told her my dream job “OMG my mom’s friend told me I’d marry a ___”. We ended up talking about being single and I told her there was someone I wanted to ask out.

At this point I was still skeptical but went ahead with asking her out due to all the clues she wanted me to and I knew she wouldn’t reject me. The second I asked her out she said yes and told me she knew it was her.

The relationship moved fast and I fell hard. Since I was new to this I followed her lead, she says holding hands is okay, guess we’re doing that, she says I love you, I say it back. This doesn’t sound great for her, but I mean it when I say she was great. This girl accepted all my mistakes and was never hard on me, she let me take her on dates, stayed up late to talk to me despite normally going to bed around 9:30, and most of all we opened up to each other. She told me everything, on day 3 of our relationship and day 5 of us talking more seriously, she shared that it was her 1 year sober of sh date. She talked about literal mountains of physical and emotional abuse from family to friends to stuff thats way too deep to put here. This meant a lot to me. I’m just some introverted 14 year old kid and now a real life person with real life trauma was telling me of all people. This changed me from a “Real men dont cry” into kind of a softie that told her stuff and opened up. We hung out a lot, still, even after breaking up, have talked virtually every day since day 1 of getting each other’s info (4/18). We didn’t have much in common but our personalities were and we got into each others hobbies and supported each other. She was my everything and I was hers.

Let’s get to the end of the relationship. The most important day this all revolves around was her birthday, June 22nd. In the week before, I finished up my gifts for her. A blanket and a notebook full of songs, stories, and a keepsake for her to write in. This was going to be able to be held onto forever. The songs I’d been writing since we started dating as a present. The Wednesday before, we were going on a date that morning for breakfast. I worked for 5 HOURS STRAIGHT from 3-8:30 AM putting this notebook together after I’d finalized what I wanted it to say. I wanted her to read it together when it was just us two. I gave it to her in the car. Her face lit up, she flipped through the pages, hugged and thanked me. When I asked her about reading it she decided she wanted to do it Saturday, at her party as she thought of it as a gift and she wanted to open all her gifts together, fair. Saturday comes. I arrive at her party, It is from 1-6. It is five hours for an introvert who doesn’t like birthday parties and haven’t been to one since I was 7. I took my BFF to a Baseball game for his, will never go to a party. That’s how much she meant to me. I arrive at the party, it was me, her, and 4 girls. I was the only boy, I knew only one of the people, and I barely knew her. I instantly felt awkward and stayed quiet as they made jokes that quite frankly as a 14 year old Christian I didn’t like hearing. When Olive left to help set up we went around the room introducing ourselves. I wasn’t paying attention and was a little caught off-guard when they got to me last and for some reason my brain decided to overshare. I talked about low self confidence, feeling weird and scared at the party, and how my biggest accomplishment was pulling Olive. They then went back to talking and making jokes as I stayed quiet. The whole time this was the case. At one point I left and sat alone for a bit, plugged my ears to avoid hearing some jokes. At the party I asked her to read the notebook and she said no because there were people around and she wanted it to be just us. Around 10 once everyone was gone I messaged my GF and said “Sorry that was awkward. I loved hanging with you and the pets”. She passed it off as fine and said she had a great time. The next day as we were talking I apologized again and she flipped into talking about rethinking things. She then proceeded to dump me. The reasons she gave included rethinking things the whole time (despite her being the one pushing things the whole time), feeling we didn’t know each other well enough, wanting less pressure, calling me too edgy (she’s soft when it comes to teasing each other and talking politics) and one of her friends calling us toxic after I left. I can’t lie, I was hurt. We decided to remain friends and still talk everyday though now I feel like she doesn’t want to. We’re down to now just saying “Hey, morning” to each other, sending pet pics, and “im bored” and we talk for 5-10 minutes on a good day. I’ve been conflicted on talking to her and waiting until eventually we’re back together because she said it’s a possibility, and clearly has a thing for me as she pushed me into dating in the 1st place. At the same time, some days I want to block her and move on. I’ve wanted in length to my BFF about her for having so much control of me, starting things and ending them, pushing me out of my comfort zone and being surprised when I wasn’t perfect, and the fact she still hasn’t read that goshdang notebook because now “A lot of it is irrelevant” despite a lot of songs I’m proud of, and me doing it for her until my wrist was killing me. Today we finally were planning our 1st in person hangout since the breakup (6/23). We were both busy a lot and she went on a trip early July. This is the conversation
Me: “What days soon can you hang out” O: “not sure, __ is coming over for the weekend”, Me: “ah okay, we’ll find a day soon its been too long” O: “yeah, what would we even do” Me: “Play outside some and catch up we haven’t talked much, hell I’ll even sit and watch you craft”, O: “i feel like you would be mean to me tho and cover it with a joke or just get mad any time i forget to walk on eggshells around you” Me: “What? Not anymore now we aren’t a thing, say whatever” O: “oh okay, you just had something against me whenever we were together” Me: ” I was scared being the only guy in a roomful of girls as my girlfriend made crazy jokes and I don’t know how to respectfully do anything about it and for some reason I didn’t just leave. I’m sorry I felt weird that doesn’t mean I hate you or don’t want to hang out or something.” O: “Its almost like thats the person I am” Me: “It was just the situation of sitting there awkwardly with people I dont know as these jokes are said” O: “omg it’s never this serious” Me: “Sorry about you still being mad about that, I thought it was okay now” O: “Stop apologizing constantly. Being manipulative about this makes me want to block you”

???
Sorry for that exchange taking so long to get to that but WHAT? I was manipulative? For apologizing a lot for upsetting her? Despite me being the one dragged along for the ride the whole time?

Its times like now I want to just move on, but at the same time she’s the only person to look at me in this way, for good reason. I’m socially awkward, not attractive, and have rarer hobbies/personality than most people my age. I would take Olive back in a second though, she makes me happy to talk to still and the fact she’s a real person with real trauma she shared with me and nobody else holds weight to me. Going no contact and not being able to save it would mean losing all of this.

If for some reason you read this all the way, what would you do?

If you didn’t: tl;dr: my ex started and ended my 1st relationship hurting me a lot in the process, but opened up to me, makes me happy and is still a good person. Do I cut contact or stay being dragged along?