I’m an occasional guest in the home of friends who were close with me before the kids arrived, and we have drifted apart since then, as happens. We are all trying to maintain our friendship.
Their child repeats explicitly that they (the child) want me to leave. The parents ignore this. The second time it happened, I was a little confrontive, and asked the child to apologize for their rudeness. I guess I’m old fashioned enough to think that children need to be taught politeness, and as part of the village I would be expected to speak up. The child did not apologize and the parents did not say anything.
Was I out of line? Was I expected to ignore the child? Are parents nowadays waiting until after a guest leaves before they discuss behavior like this with their kid? FWIW, these are extremely engaged parents.
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I tend to take other parents’ cues on things like this.
In this case ignoring it isn’t necessarily a bad strategy if the kid’s just doing it to get attention.
I would have turned to the parent and expressed how you felt about being verbally accosted. If the parent does nothing, you cut the visit really short and leave. If they can’t control his behavior, one parent can take him to another room while the other one entertains guests.
It isn’t a 6 yr old’s fault he’s acting like a little brat. Try not to be irritated with him. Any angry glares need to go to the parents’ way.
6 years old are just extremely honest. Your visits to the home may actually cause their daily routine to get messed up. While 6 is old enough to learn a nicer way to expres their feelings, it is also their home too. You can either ignore the comments or if you care, you can ask why they feel this way. Maybe your visit has caused them to miss an outing. Maybe they just feel ignored while you are there. I tend to speak to children like little adults and actually listen to them. You would be surprised what these little people actually know.
Yes children need to be taught politeness but not forced apologies. They are not being rude in their eyes they’re expressing their feelings. Of course we have society rules and as adults even if we wish someone to leave we have more tactful ways to express this. I would have gotten to the bottom of why he’s saying that. Ask why do you feel this way? Perhaps it was as simple as he gets tv when you leave. Furthermore instead of demanding an apology teach empathy. After he explains why he said it if he can verbalize that (depends on the kid) I would say it hurts my feelings when you want me to leave. I’d like us all to get along. What game would you like to play?
I don’t think you were out of line, you shouldn’t be expected to ignore someone being rude to you (even à child – 6 is old enough to learn). If the parents talked to the child afterwards, I’d expect them to explain that to you as part of à grovelling apology via message/phonecall afterwards.
If it were me, I’d stop going over there but I wouldn’t hold any grudges towards the parents – sometimes friendships need to take a pause and that’s okay.
They’re using planned ignoring. It is an attention seeking behavior. Ignore it. And then engage positively when the child isn’t being rude.
You should never ask (especially demand) someone for an apology, even a 6 year old. If a person is sorry, they will apologize. What will a forced apology even mean to you?
The child was expressing their feelings in their own home. You can let them know how you feel about that, or you can leave. It certainly wasn’t ‘verbal aggression’.
To answer your original question, don’t parent someone else’s child unless they ask you to.
I don’t think you were out of line. Attention seeking behavior or not, kids need to be corrected when they are being rude. That was rude. Kids need some boundaries. A rough time in school, with teachers, and lack of friends will be the natural consequences of rampant rude/entitled behavior. I have a niece and nephew like this, and family gatherings are so rough. The cousins hate it when they are there, and adults hate it when we have to interact with them too.
Wait a little while. They’ll be 7, then 8– in no time they’ll be a teenager and will totally ignore you.
Birth through kindergarten teacher, mom to a 17 year old here.
You should have ignored it. You got emotional with a child. Children don’t have the emotional capacity adults do. At 6, typically developing children are just starting to get a grasp on social norms. But with that said, some children may reach that milestone before or AFTER that age. People just look at the age and think children just automatically start or stop behaviors as some as a age starts.
That behavior definitely stems from something else. They probably don’t know you and don’t feel comfortable around you. Your presence in their house may even be causing them anxiety. Most children respond with aggression. It’s developmentally appropriate behavior. Their parents should be working on that. One chat or one demand for an apology isn’t going to fix that. Because children need time to learn and practice new skills.
I don’t think forced apologies are a problem, manners are a real thing and learning them requires practice. A young child doesn’t have the capacity to fully grasp things like harm and contrition but they definitely have the capacity to learn appropriate behaviors and they can develop a deeper understanding of what’s behind those behaviors as they age and mature. Learning behaviors without fully understanding them is a lot of what happens with kids anyway and I don’t see why apologizing or even just basic social graces should be any different.
That said, you shouldn’t be asking the internet these questions you should be asking the parents these questions. Have a conversation about what they’re doing, what their plan is, and how you fit in with that, what they would prefer from you, etc. If you want to be part of the village/community you have to actually act like a good village/community member which means having difficult conversations and clearing up confusion. Nobody on the internet can actually tell you if this was a problem or not bc none of us are directly involved.
Gone are the days of “children should be seen and not heard.” Children are human beings with feelings that matter.
He’s small. You’re in his house. And he doesn’t know you like his parents do. He’s allowed to feel however he wants to feel. It’s not personal. He’s a child. So since he’s being honest, you can be honest with him and say “well I was hoping we could become friends too like me and your mommy and daddy are.” Show that you aren’t a threat to him or them and aren’t going to come in between him and his parents. I bet yall talk a lot and he’s not used to them talking to other people. He might feel left out. And if he says it again, say “well, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable so I will leave. Can we try to be friends again sometime?” And see what he says. Really talk to him not just scolding.
He’s a little human being but he doesn’t have all the experiences you guys have. They should be helping him with this new experience. He’s probably very worried.
When I’m scared it looks like anger too, especially if it’s having to do with a potential threat.
You can turn this around and it could be great, with just a little effort and understanding.
He’s just learning, this is how children learn.
They don’t learn by being shut down and scolded all the time.
One way to look at this is like pets, not in a “train the dog” type of way, but in a way where you expect a puppy to act up when its routine or surroundings change. It isn’t some direct attack on you personally. Would you take it personally that the puppy gets upset and starts destroying furniture? No, you are the human in charge of yourself and your feelings, so you get down to the puppy’s level and try to understand why it’s doing what it’s doing. Then you try and make the puppy feel more comfortable. Don’t fixate on the actions of a small child with underdeveloped emotional regulation. Focus on building the relationship instead.
Some simple ways to do it: bring a snack you know the kid will like, or fun kid’s activity when you visit, and actually try to be a fun guest to the kid, not just the parents. Try to get to know the kid. Ask what they’re interested in–their favorite TV shows, games, playground aparatus, school subject, food, etc., and act interested. Tell a couple random funny knock knock jokes. Teach them a cool handshake and do it every time you get there and when you leave. Get to know the kid and you’ll learn more about how to be a great friend to the entire family.
It seems wild to me that you are personally offended by a 6 year old feeling uncomfortable with a stranger in their house.
Ignore it, but make an effort to include the kid and become friends. If these visits aren’t super out of your way, you can also offer to leave and try again next time.