My husband and I have been married 10 years and have two amazing children together. In the beginning of our marriage sex was consistent and I loved it. Since our second child, who is almost 5, we’ve maybe had sex 10 times max…I’m at a loss. I’ve been at a loss. I know everyone says it’s usually the man but women have drives too. I have since turned to masturbation, which I never thought I would need but now rely on consistently. I hope I’m not alone in these feelings of guilt and worry as a woman. I miss my husband and his intimacy but have needs I need to handle as well. For the women out there who have been through this, how did you find light at the end of the tunnel?
TLDR: married 10 years intimacy fell off a cliff. For all women who have gotten through this please help and share.
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And what does your husband say when you talk about this with him?
Have you talked to your husband? Is he on medication that made his sex drive lower? Do you notice he copes through internet usage?
Has you husband’s testosterone levels been checked? Is it possible he is gay? What does he say about the issue?
The solutions depends on the cause. Is the problem the kids being around, how do you get rid of them for a bit? It could be any number of other things too, what solutions have you tried together?
Don’t fixate so much on gender roles here. You’re not having as much sex as you want: that’s a problem. What have you said to your husband so far about this? what have you tried?
Obviously, what you’ve done hasn’t worked, so do something different. Post is lacking in any detail so I can’t say what that would be, but just to riff on several with varying levels of effort/appropriateness for the specifics of your situation: have a conversation with your husband about why you aren’t having sex; take the initiative, tell him “let’s have sex tonight” or whenever; discuss seeing a doctor; insist on entering couple’s counseling
Ah. All the typical stuff I see. He’s gay, has a “porn addiction,” or low T.
It couldn’t possibly stress, being overwhelmed, being depressed, being unhealthy or out of shape. None of those things right? Perhaps he’s carrying more of the mental load? Eh? Couldn’t possibly be any of that.
Idk OP talk to him.
What did he say when you asked him about it?
None of us can really help if you don’t tell us what he has said about this when you’ve discussed it.
The solution starts with an honest and compassionate conversation with your spouse.
Beyond just talking directly about the issue, have you tried anything new to entice him? Toys, lingerie, bringing a friend over for a team blowjob, etc.
Also, I’m sure having two kids running around doesn’t exactly get everyone hot and bothered – when was the last time you spent more than one evening fully alone, with the kids somewhere else?
Personally speaking, I can’t even have sex if my dog is around, I can’t imagine doing so with two small humans I’m responsible for in the next room
have you mentioned to your husband that you miss having sex with him? is he otherwise healthy and doing well mentally? how have each of your bodies changed in the last 5 years? do you have other kinds of intimacy like cuddling, casual touches, hugs & kisses? are you still FRIENDS, who enjoy spending time together and laughing together? how is the rest of your relationship?
i recently read Come Together by Emily Nagoski and it’s frankly, brilliant. i have regular (but maybe not as much/the kinds that i want) sex and other kinds of intimacy in my relationship but it still has a lot of great advice for things that can get in the way of sexual connection. HIGHLY recommend it.
Is he getting it elsewhere?
And when you told your husband that you miss his sweet D, what did he say?
You’re definitely not alone. So many women (and men) go through this after kids. It’s a huge shift physically, emotionally, and hormonally. The guilt is normal, but please don’t blame yourself. Have you tried talking to your husband about how you’re feeling? Sometimes it’s stress, exhaustion, or even medical stuff (low T, depression, etc.). Counseling or a sex-positive therapist could help if conversations go in circles.
So many couples deal with this. It’s very common.
It’s hard to maintain eroticism with young children and so much enmeshment. I would suggest listening to Ester Perel about this.
Without more details about if yall have tried to talk about this and what the outcome of those convos were it’s hard to give more specific advice however.
I want to address all the comments saying he’s gay/porn addict/low T. These are always Reddit’s default explanations because “men shall always be horny and want sex”.
Men can also have mental health issues, feel depressed, not able to enjoy or embody sex that feels safe, have unprocessed trauma that they faked through most of their lives etc. These are all valid reasons to have your sex drive change.
But in Reddit’s world, god forbid a man has a mental health blocker for sex, that can’t be true.
Anyways – OP, talk to him about it and ask him how he’s feeling. If he says he’s fine, he might be deflecting and you’ll need to dig with care and compassion, not frustration and blame.
There isn’t a route ahead that doesn’t involve talking about this and getting to the root issue. If you haven’t talked about this stuff it’s easy for distance and tension to build and goodbye sexy time.
Do you have a good relationship aside from this?
Just ask him. Say ‘I’d love it if you could initiate sex more’. And see what he says. Have you tried outright saying to him ‘Hey, can we be intimate/snuggle/fuck/whatever your word for sex is tonight?’
The reasons differ across relationships leading to this problem but kids, life, stress, too busy can all contribute. If you haven’t spoken to him, then it’s very likely you both see the same problem but your needs differ to come together. It’s common that women need emotional security and intimacy before physical whereas a man might need physical to get to the emotional. Not saying this is you, just an example.
That said, life with kids is busy and finding that spark can be difficult in the moment. I suggest coming up with a code you can text each other, like a camel emoji. It just means “I’m open to it”, no guarantees or obligations. If you both respond in kind then you’ll have a better mental frame when the time is right.
What does your husband say?
Is he in antidepressants?