Firstly, it’s important to note that me and my mother don’t get along AT ALL. Since I was a kid, she’s wanted to be best friends, but the issue is that she also wants the power of being a mom. She wanted me to act a specific way and have specific interests and whenever I didn’t have them or showed discomfort, she would actively make me feel like something was wrong with me as a person for not just naturally agreeing or falling in line. My mom grew up in a VERY abusive household where she was intentionally isolated and basically made to be a housewife to her father and brothers. Helping her mother cook, clean, iron clothes, pretty much everything. Because of this she idolize her mother. Her mom was her whole world, and she lived for her approval and happiness. My mom believed that having a daughter would automatically give her that same position and would heal that abused isolated part of her. Basically, she couldn’t make friends on her own so she thought having a daughter would guarantee her a best friend for life that she could control and couldn’t leave her. She has no sense of accountability and has actively destroyed my self esteem so that it could match hers and trauma bond over it. She often tried to center my sense of worth around her opinion of me or men’s opinions of me. She believes that boundaries between a mother and daughter are a sign that she’s failed as a parent unless she’s the one making them. to her a daughter’s sole purpose is to love, take care of, and worship her mother. I’m supposed to look to her and default to her opinion, be her personal therapist and place her needs above my own. She doesn’t think I have the right to say no to anything with her and often responds with verbal violence (taking the worst things that have ever happened to me, like my late term pregnancy losses, and using them to her advantage with the intent to hurt me when she doesn’t like something I’ve said or said no to something she wants. She even has a deep jealousy towards my husband because she believes that “she is supposed to be getting the love I give to him”. I’ve been in therapy for almost a decade and every step I’ve made in healing she has tried to combat and reverse because she thinks its unnatural regardless of how healthy I’ve becomes. It often feels like she resents me for healing because she knows the more, I do the less influence she has. I’ve limited our contact and expressed why we aren’t close, but she won’t listen and keeps coming back to trying to force a friendship between us. I don’t trust her. Any interest I express that she thinks is odd or I shouldn’t have she picks at and makes me feel weird for. She my dad and my brother make a bonding game out of bullying me and then yell when I respond. I have deep seated insecurities from the years when I was younger and they’d laugh and pick at my weight in public because it was fun for them. I don’t know what to do at this point this feels like the most toxic relationship I’ve ever had, I just wat peace and to be left alone.
Comments
Thank you u/Godzilla-The-Barista for posting on r/AskParents. All post titles must be in the form of a question.
Posts that do not conform to the subreddit rules are subject to removal at the discretion of a moderator.
Remember to read the rules and report rule breaking posts.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
> She believes that boundaries between a mother and daughter are a sign that she’s failed as a parent
In this case… it seems to be true. Because you are absolutely correct that this is a very toxic situation, and you are right to want no part of it. How old are you? Are you able to simply limit contact with her and enforce your boundaries that way?
My mom was also one of those “my child should be my best friend” types of mothers, and I moved out as soon as I was able, and limited her to 1 phone call a week (I did not answer more than that, and if it was important like a family member was in the hospital, she could send me a text and I would call her back) She’s since gone to therapy and got medicated for her own mental health and we get along much better, but she’s also moved past wanting me to be her best/only friend and I still enforce boundaries as needed.